my happy place.
I'm reading this book called "Dear American Airlines." This book is 2 things to me: 1) very funny and sarcastic, and reflects the feelings that I have myself toward airlines, and 2) an interesting reflection on what appears so far to be a vary "dark" life. I say "dark" because it seems to me that the feeling I get in books dealing with alchoholism, drugs, violence, a child who doesn't get a childhood, or other unfamiliar things is very "dark." Scary, grainy, and uncomfortable. I guess I just can't take some people's reality. I wonder does that make my life cushy? or would those people have an equally hard time dealing with my life because it is unfamiliar to them? Maybe no one has it "better" or "worse" than anyone else, but rather different. I can't handle these things I mentioned, but I've become very agile at dealing with my relationship with my mom, and with my mom in general.
This made me think about the opposite, my "bright" vision. I realized that my happy place is when I was in about 4th grade, sitting on the floor in my bedroom at my dad's house at about 11am on a saturday with the sun shining in the window and the breeze blowing past my face. Sometimes I'm reading, sometimes, I'm sitting, sometimes I'm laying on my bed thinking. On the radio is some fabulously 90's song like "don't go chasing waterfalls." I'd give anything to live my entire life in that moment. Other elements can come and go, but it seems unlikely that anything could make me unhappy in that place. My life at that point wasn't any better or worse than it is now, but rather the same probably, yet the feeling of opportunity and possibility and the simple feeling of a late spring sun and breeze on my face is impenetrable.
A non-poluted life. Nothing political about it, but just things that are familiar and safe and unthreatening. I think I long for that. Logically I feel generally accepting of new things/people, but my heart longs for the simple, safe life.
And now the details which all pollute my life to some extent:
My mom is in hawaii, and getting married tomorrow. I feel like she is being selfish, and I feel like I am selfish for thinking that. As I sit here planning a reception for 2 people who shouldn't be getting married, I can't help but resent her.
I wish I could fast forward my life just a little bit, or rather glance a bit further into the book just to make sure that everything ends up ok. I know that people tell me everything works out, but pretending to be certain of any of that is baloney. No one knows what happens tomorrow or a year from now. I want some certainty. I won't get it, and I'll have to do the best that I can with what information I have.
I'm anxious about where we'll live next. It is inevitable that we will move in July, I think Jeremy has pretty much decided that, so where to? Do we give ourselves some more space? do we move to a place about the size of our current place and pay half the rent to save up for a house down payment? Do we move into a rental house that is bigger, further away than I'd like, and cheaper than our current home, yet not quite free? Maybe we stay there a few years? Do we make our location decision on where our friends live? Couldn't that all change? Riann and Jeremy will be in Addison soon, Nigel is moving to Rockwall, I feel stupid waiting for justin's every move to determine where we live. Richardson is fine, but without the richardson house full of our friends, I have no reason/desire to live there. That's not my home. However, it would be awfully convenient if I go there for my masters whenever I get around to it...
I went to Doug's house this weekend and he gave me a bunch of my old things I'd left, including some pictures from my youth. I found the most horrifyingly terrible picture of myself I've ever seen, and how it got framed is beyond me. I realized that when I look in the mirror I still see that horrible ugly as sin face and body and can't imagine anyone wanting to be near me, friends with me, or much less married to me. I know there is some depth involved in friendships, but god. I was ugly. I see some technical changes, but when I smile oddly in pictures or am caught off guard, I swear I see that girl standing in my place. Jeremy thinks I'm crazy, but that doesn't change anything. I don't know what will ever change the way I see myself. I just hope that fact doesn't ruin my marriage or friendships.
I had a startlingly advanced conversation with Jeremy last night about the importance of saving up for several possible occurences, including (but not limited to) the loss of one or both of our jobs, medical emergencies, and (gasp) children. Right now if we were to spit out a kid, we'd be in big trouble. Yup. We'd be screwed. (haha. Yeah I know.) So it might be less terrifying and maybe I wouldn't have nightmares about it all the time if we had a small cushion of savings. Plus, we have to figure out living situation, as far as where we want to own a house, and if we buy one, what are the chances of us raising children in that house, therefore do we in our early twenties need to be concerned with school district?!?!? GAH. That's scary stuff man.
My job is still new enough that I'm greatful to have it enough that I let things slide that would normally drive me nutso. For example, I get up early, and dress up in professional apparel, so that I can sit in a cave of an office, for hours and hours with nothing to do. Finally maybe around 1, I get a search request. Then I have somewhere between 5 minutes to 1 hour of work to do. Woot. Why can't I do this in my pajamies at home? Just wondering.
Thursday was Grandad's birthday. Nonnie's friends are having a birthday party in his honor this week. He would be 75.
One of the last things he ever said to me was that he wanted my mom to be happy. He didn't like mike either, but he wanted her to be happy and was willing to put aside his own happiness for her. Why can't I be that way? I'm selfish.