December 21, 2009.
So.. Okay, I was going to start this entry off about how tired I am...and woe is me, UNTIL I look over at the middle eastern man to my left that's on Computer #4 ( I am at the library, can't wait til' we get our computer this week for Xmas..Mac Desktop, hell yes..) picking his nose...it's like there are 24 people around here all on computers and he's going to proceed to touch the mouse, the keypad..etc. I may do that once or twice when I'm by myself or with just Rafic, but not while I'm using a public computer..come on, has he heard about the H1N1? lol jeezsh.. Anyways, yeah soo it's been quite awhile since I posted on here...and my life has done like 4 360's since my last entry..... I'd have to read my entries to catch up on where I left off...but on November 30, 2009 Gabriella Elizabeth was born, premature I was only 25 weeks pregnant.. and she was alive and fighting for 12 days. On the 12th day, December 12, 2009, her abdomen started turning dark, they took a few Xrays and they all came back normal. However, the next day they told me they needed to do a procedure to insert a tube that would drain the secretions from her stomach because her feces...that would normally travel through her intestines and out of her butt seeped into her little stomach. Causing a horrible infection in her body, well the procedure went well, and even afterwards until 5 AM the day after the procedure...Rafic and I were called in because she wasn't doing well, when we got there she was on a machine that was doing of her breathing for her, which wasn't a good sign because she had been doing almost all her breathing on her own before this.. and it was vibrating her head, making her look like she was seizing. It was awful. Everything she was going through since birth I felt. I felt them searching for a vein in her tiny little head to put in an IV. I felt the little wounds she had sporadically on her body from irritation and rubbing to hard on her fragile skin. I felt the uncomfortable transfusion after transfusion, and the infection that was unidentified in the beginning, but what was fought of miraculously by the artifical immune system they were creating for her. Everything I felt, it was all painful. However, I felt the joy that I experienced everyday when I would walk in that room and see her. I felt the excitement when the phototherapy light was taken off because her skin had healed from the bruising of labor and she didn't need it shining soo bright on her. I felt the comfort she felt when I bundled her little bedding around her head and body. Rafic and I shared the happiness of when she would grab on tight to our finger or try oh-so-hard to open her fused eyes. All of these things I got to experience with her in her short time here on Earth. At first I was so angry with God, asking the age-old question "Why Me?" and creating an imaginary worthiness that would create an illusion that this shouldn't or couldn't ever happen to me...well it did, and I blamed myself, I prayed and wished that things could have been different...but finally I got to hold her...on the account that she was going to die. They explained to us that she wouldn't be able to fight this infection and we could try fighting it for hours or days however long we chose, but I just couldn't be selfish and force her to stay here because I was too scared to let her go when all we were doing was slowly fighting the inevitable. We had to let her go... now I don't know exactly what time, but it was when we decided to take off the ventilator, and I held her in my arms while she died, next to Rafic. We cried, I was angry, I felt like the walls were falling down on me, but then God reminded me that she was with Him now. And that where she is...I would much rather be. Each day's getting easier, if that's what you want to call it. She's with Giddo and Grandma...soo that's an update on my life...Maybe I'll post tomorrow....~ I wanna get back down to the parking garage before the hour's up so I don't have to pay a dollar to the lot person haha...first hour's free...I'm so cheap, plus I got laundry in the dryer at home...and washer, and I can't stand letting clothes sit like that....TTFN.