50 Ways Women Screw Up Sex for Men
Taken from jimmyjuice and then ... I added my own 2 cents (mostly from an "if I were a slut" point of view for sake of humor).
1. Assuming he can get a raging hard on when it suits you. Contrary to popular belief, men can't just flip a switch and get it up because you decided to stop being a frigid bitch. Getting it hard is your job. I suggest you figure it out.
My input: Most men are walking, raging hard-ons. If they lose an erection while in my presence then either they aren't that interested in the first place, they're really gay (which isn't a bad thing - J.S.), or I haven't showered since the last walking, raging hard-on I've encountered.
2. Thinking that kissing needs to be this sweet romantic thing all the time. Sometimes pressing your lips against your partners mouth while you get off is hot. It depends on the situation.
My input: Sometimes pressing your lips against your partner - anywhere, is just hot. I prefer passionate kissing over tentative kissing. Don't be afraid to be forceful - just don't choke me with your tongue - because I'll bite it off and spit it at your feet. There's passionate aggression and then there's just force entry. Save the forced entry for my girlie bits when I fake "resistance".
3. Leaving him responsible for your orgasm. You know what gets you off. Tell him. If you don't, it's your own fault when he's snoozing and you're all wound up.
My input: Men should never be responsible for a woman's orgasm. Men can't even be trusted to take out the trash or put the lid back down on the toilet seat. Finger out your triggers and use that cock for the dildo replacement space filler you know it's there for! I mean it's really the only time you don't need batteries and you can use both of your hands because one isn't holding a device of some sort.
4. Expecting him to cuddle. Men and women are wired differently. Sex makes most women want to talk and bond and all that shit. It makes men pass out. It's a biological thing. Stop fighting it, and stop holding it over his head, it's not his fault.
My input: What women are these? You can cuddle me after you grab me some towels to clean up your spill, sorry you couldn't wait until you got the condom on and actually had the sex FIRST for that... next time, no buildup for you!
5. Expecting him to fall asleep with you in his arms. That shit is uncomfortable after awhile. A little snuggling isn't unreasonable, but when it's time to actually sleep? An arm draped over you should suffice.
My input: When I want to sleep; I want to sleep - ever think that the snuggling after would be so I could grind my ass up against you to entice you for more? What are you? Some minute-man one-shot kind of guy or what? But hey, if you want to take your ass right on to sleep; take your ass right on out to the sofa. Will mean we both get a good nights rest because then I won't hear you snoring and farting all night.
6. Expecting him to always lay on the charm and romance. Sometimes, that's nice. Sometimes. But expecting him to be all roses and candles all the time is like expecting you to act like a pornstar all the time. If you're not willing to do that, don't expect him to switch for you.
My input: You mean you don't expect us to act like a pornstar all of the time? Fine, saves me some money on those pole-dancing aerobic workout sessions at the gym along with the books on "how to deep-throat without gagging". I'll use the savings to get myself some roses.
7. Being selfish in bed. Regardless of the shit that Cosmo forces down our throats, sex is NOT just about us. Get over it.
My input: Confused, if I'm being selfish in bed - how is that about YOU in the first place? Cuz you're right, it's not about you; it's about mutual orgasms if we're lucky - so we should both be selfish until we both get whats coming to us.
8. Using random magazines as a sex bible. I dont know who comes up with half that shit, but I'm pretty sure they need counseling.
My input: As do those other random magazines that say perfect women should look like those in Maxim, FHM, Playboy...
9. Whining when he pushes your head down on his cock instead of stroking your hair. Know why he's pushing, skippy? Because you aren't doing it right, and have apparently ignored the other clues he's given you. Pay attention to the signals that he's sending you.
My input: I'll pay attention if you do. Don't expect me to bob enthusiastically on you if you've neglected to shower that day; ball-sweat is not an alluring scent to get me to want to go back DOWN from the UP position - so if all I'm doing is twirling my tongue around the head of your cock and I'm not feasting on you like a starving sumu at a weiner eating contest - maybe use more soap next time. Trust me, I know how to suck cock - yours was not the first one in my mouth.
10. Not moving at all. Missionary is not an excuse to do nothing.
My input: It is if you haven't impressed me in the foreplay department and now I'm just there for the follow-thru so you'll get on with it and shake your ass on home.
11. Expecting him to undress himself with any amount of grace. He's about to get some pussy. Be glad he bothered to take his pants all the way off. If it concerns you so much, undress him yourself.
My input: I realize that the thought of finally getting some does throw a man off his mark. But if I have to undress me, undress YOU, instruct, direct, appease, be this, be that - fuck it - by now I might as well just grab that vibe - it doesn't talk back and whine about having to remove some clothing at least.
12. Not shaving your legs. Im pretty bad at this myself. But if you want your guy stubble free, you better get out the razor.
My input: Some men, like some women - prefer the natural look and feel. Before we were all mainstreamed by the porn industry to all look like shaved down plastic versions of a human. I'm anatomically correct, Barbie - was not. Sure she was bald; but where are you going to stick your dick. Tell you what - be glad you're even being allowed to see the forest, for the trees.
13. Allowing your crotch to resemble the amazon. Yes, waxing hurts. Yes, some people don't want to go bare. Thats fine. If you like bush, great. If you have sensitive skin and can't shave, I feel for you. But for the love of Christ, trim that shit if you want him to spend any time down there.
My input: See above. As long as my cunt hair doesn't wrap around to my ass hole so much it can serve as a shit strainer - deal with it. I'm clean, I bathe, and you're not going to lose a limb by some wayward pubes. It's short enough you won't poke an eye out and no you can't floss with it - so it's fine. And if you don't want to go down on me because I'm not BALD down there, guess what - I'm not going to suck your cock because you're a puss about some hair that naturally grows there in the first place.
14. Assuming that sex means a relationship. The only relationship you have is that he has now stuck his hoo hoo dilly in your cha cha. That's as far as it goes unless otherwise noted.
My input: Thank GOD because really, I'd prefer to have a relationship with an adult. One that can call his cock his COCK and my cunt a CUNT - not some hoo hoo dilly, cha cha shit - that sounds too much like a new country line dance if you ask me. Damned baby babble. Be a MAN.
15. Withholding oral sex just because you're ragging. He didn't do it. Unless you want him to withhold oral sex because he's hormonal, I suggest you get some kneepads.
My input: I agree, blood shouldn't stop oral sex. NOR should it stop FUCKING. Last I checked; we're all washable - lay a towel down and get with the program. If my blood grosses you out, guess what - try swallowing the globs of swimmers you want to force down my throat before you continue bitching.
16. Expecting him to figure out what you like by what noise you make. Use your words. Have you ever actually heard what you sound like while you're having sex? If you heard yourself on tape, and someone asked you to explain what was causing you to make that noise, 67% of women would respond with answers like "I stubbed my toe" "I ran up the steps" or "I was putting up drywall".
My input: This goes for you as well. If I'm pleasing you - don't just look down on me with those doe eyes and "omg I can't believe I'm all up in here" look on your face. Verbalize - this is probably the only time and place I'm going to let you call me your whore without smacking you in the face for it; go for it.
17. Leaving condoms up to him. If you're sexually active and insist that he uses a condom, I suggest buying a box and keeping it by your bed. Not all men keep them on them, and it's just as much your responsibility as it is his. If you think that makes you a slut, you shouldn't be having sex anyway. Go back to Jr High.
My input: Men that are not prepared to have sex, are men that are never expecting to GET sex. Sure I can understand sometimes not having them on hand in need and I do agree that sexually active women should have their own stash. But don't call us a whore because we do. Or else I won't show you why I have the stash of them in the first place. Being prepared = smart, not slut.
18. Getting your undies in a bunch when he talks dirty. A little fantasy can be fun. If he treats you with respect all the time, you shouldn't be offended when he calls you his dirty little slut. When he calls you a whore and tells you to come, its his way of showing that he cares if you get off. Stop being a sissy.
My input: And the same rule applies - when I call you some other guys name - be flattered that you're giving it to me at least half as good as the guy you were all so intimidated about in the first place. See, you had no reason to be worried after all.
19. Refusing to be spontaneous. I know this is shocking, but sometimes sex OUTSIDE of the bedroom is fun.
My input: Perhaps - but that doesn't mean I'm going to do it out in the living room in front of your friends just because it's Superbowl Sunday and you have money on the game. And giving you head while in a Haunted House, never a good idea I don't care how bad you want it - I have reflexes dammit and I scare easily.
20. Dissing quickies because it's not some slow sensual ordeal. Sex is a dynamic thing. Theres an awesome raw energy when you only have 20 minutes but having to have someone so bad that you do it half clothed against the wall. Readjust your thinking.
My input: 20 minutes? You think you're all that do you? Let's get past the first 10 before you decided that 20 is a "quickie" for you first. That's the readjustment of thought that needs to happen here.
21. Being too much of a pussy to tell him what is or isn't acceptable before you start bumping uglies. Be honest. If he asks if he can poke you in the butt, and you giggle and say no like it's an invitation, don't look surprised when he "accidentally" sticks his cock in your butt.
My input: Fine but when I clench up my ass muscles and rip your dick off - don't say I didn't warn you. No means NO I don't care how much nervous giggling is involved - fucktard.
22. Expecting him to undress you. I put a bra on almost every day. I know for a fact that getting them off isn't always easy. Help a brother out.
My input: This goes along with you asking us to undress YOU. Why expect us to do for you what you're now saying you refuse to do for us? I'll handle my own bra - I realize that most men fake product knowledge and mechanics much like women fake orgasms and enthusiasm. Just get naked and hope for the best, okay? And PS - why are you putting on a bra almost every day? See I just don't think a woman wrote this list of 50.
23. Undressing in the dark. If you're shy, dim the lights, but give the man something to see. No ripping off the clothes and diving under the covers, either.
My input: Ever think we're avoiding looking at your man bits and hairy back? I mean how much would my laughing at your tiny cock be a turn on for you.
24. Refusing to get on top. Theres no reason men should have to do all the work.
My input: Maybe your man-bit is too short to give a firm seating position upon?
25. Getting that bored look on your face. Men are more visual than women. Give him something to look at. Get on top and arch your back a little bit. Move. Do something to indicate that you 1) are not dead and 2) didn't suffer a minor stroke rendering you unable to move.
My input: Well, maybe it is that we are in fact - bored. More effort on your part might invoke more animation on ours.
26. Expecting him to do all the touching when you're riding him. It's your body, you're used to it. Play with your tits, rub your clit, do something to make his job easier.
My input: If I'm going to do all that; I don't need you there to watch - I'm sure I've mastered the art of self-touching long before I needed sex to be an audience participation sport. Why should his "job" be easier? Like men don't get off easy enough?
27. Being too afraid to guide your partner's hand when hes touching you. Don't like the way he's doing it? Gently take his hand and show him how you like it.
My input: See 26.
28. Getting into bed, getting naked, fooling around and then deciding that you just want to cuddle, then getting offended when he doesn't. Its your choice to stop, but don't look all fucking surprised when he's confused. You got him naked in your bed, what else did you think was going to happen?
My input: I thought I'd be a tease; and lookie - it worked! Sucker.
29. Refusing to let him take control. So your a feminist. Big fucking deal. Letting him call the shots doesn't make you any less of one.
My input: If you want control; then stop asking me to do all the work already! No wonder we're all confused and psychotic - make up our minds for us already!
30. Refusing to take control. Its ok to crawl across a bed to him on all fours, push him down and crawl on top. It's not his responsibility to start things all the time.
My input: See 29.
31. Forgetting that he has a body that likes to be touched, too. Men have things like backs and shoulders and stomachs and other parts that are fun to kiss and touch. You miss a lot of good places by concentrating solely on his penis.
My input: We know where the brain is; that is all.
32. Ignoring his balls. Seriously, they are there. Kiss them, lick them, suck on them, make a relationship with them, just don't ignore them.
My input: See 31. - and p.s. - trust us, piss us off and see how fast we remember where your balls are located.
33. Leaving him to his own devices. Nothing is worse than a girl who gets you most of the way off and then bolts because she doesn't want to deal with the mess.
My input: You've got two hands and if you're worried about her bailing because she doesn't want to deal with a mess; cum on her sheets - or on her *shrug* personally, if I've left you hanging - it's because I've lost interest, not because I'm worried about a little spill.
34. Launching into some speech about not being an object for sex when he tries to titty fuck you. Jesus Christ, just push them together and enjoy yourself. You get a great view.
My input: Fine, I don't want to hear any complaints when I strap on a dildo and tell you to bend over - because really, just enjoy yourself.
35. Expecting him to handle you like a porcelain doll. I'd hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you're not going to break, sister. So doing it against the wall gives you a bruise on your shoulder. Look at it later and giggle at the memory.
My input: And when I bite you back - and scratch my nails down your skin - don't wince like a little bitch who just fell down and skinned her knee.
36. Refusing to try things in the name of "making love". You're not making anything. You are naked. With another person. Making strange faces and weird noises. Stop romanticizing it.
My input: Finally - one I agree with.
37. Taking things way too seriously. Sex is funny. Actually it's hilarious. Somewhere along the line, someone is going to fall off of a bed, hit their head on a lighting fixture, accidentally kick a midget or trip over a goat. It's how you deal with it that really matters.
My input: Ooo Another I agree with - are we on a roll?
38. Throwing a bitch fit when he asks for a 3 some. Its the American dream. (I know my ex is reading this right now, so a quick interjection. One request for a 3 some is ok. Every 5 minutes, not so much. Know the difference).
My input: I won't pitch a fit, just don't give me "that look" when I suggest the third person in our three some is named Chris, and his dick is bigger than yours.
39. Continuing a blow job knowing that you have god awful cotton mouth. Really. Grab a bottle of water.
My input: Shut up and be glad your dick is in my mouth before I bite you.
40. Nails. Its one thing tracing them up and down your partners back. Its another when you snag the goods with a claw.
My input: See 35.
41. Bitching when you get jizz on you. You're having sex. That will happen. Thats the entire point of sex. Establish where he can and cant jizz and be done with it. Remember, it tightens the pores.
My input: The entire point of sex is getting your jizz on me? Well thanks for clearing that up. Now hold still while I get Chris to jizz on you, since we're all about skin care at the moment.
42. Not making any noises at all. Moan. Scream his name. Something so he knows he's the best you've had, even if he isn't.
My input: See 18.
43. Faking orgasms. Just. Don't. By faking (IF he believes you) he thinks he's doing everything right. And if he doesn't know its not working, he's not going to change it. Starting a vicious cycle of unfulfilling sex which will eventually be very damaging to his ego.
My input: Women fake orgasms, men fake whole relationships - nature of the business. Be glad I'm at least giving you something to do while I pretend I'm having an orgasm while counting down the moments in my mind until you leave and I can finish off what you couldn't get me to achieve.
44. Not washing before sex. I know that sex is spontaneous, this is more of a general statement. If you haven't showered that day, and things smell a little...fishy...perhaps demanding oral sex is a little ridiculous of you.
My input: Keep this in mind for yourself as well, ball-sweat-boy.
45. Anything that involves inserting anything into his body that he has not specifically approved before hand. I don't care what Cosmo says, some things are simply not pleasant surprises.
My input: See 21.
46. Refusing to use oils/whipped cream/other messy but fun things because you have 541510630 count Egyptian cotton sheets that were made by hand by the only person alive capable of sewing that pattern. They'll wash.
My input: Don't bitch when I pull out the latex sheets then about how you stick to it when you've not powdered up first.
47. Doing all of your before bed things before sex. Yes, sleeping with makeup on is bad. Now is not the time to remove it, you can do that later. And really fucking you with your hair in a ratty scrunchie with acne cream on your nose is not all its cracked up to be.
My input: Sure, as long as you refrain from farting, picking your nose, scratching your ass.. all the things you do before YOU prepare for bed.
48. Cleaning up after sex. Wiping the splooge off is one thing. But changing the sheets immediately so you can get the other ones in the washer and then sanitizing everything your naked body might have possibly passed by is not the way to do it.
My input: Don't mind me if I scoot over and let you sleep in your own cold, sticky, globs of goo then. In fact, I insist.
49. Making a big deal out of it if he loses his hard on. This is not an interrogation, or 20 questions. It happens, he's probably mortified and you are NOT helping. Refrain from using phrases like "it happens to every guy". Just move to other activities until it gets hard again, and if it doesn't, get off another way with him. He's still capable of getting you off. Mumbling "Forget it" and rolling over are not ok.
My input: I'll make a big deal out of it - what are you in my bed for in the first place? How would you feel about half a blow job? Find your happy place and let's continue; stop being a pussy about losing your erection and if you can't maintain - what you can't do with your pisser - you can do with your kisser, start licking.
50. Asking questions right afterwards. The woman equivalent of "was it good for you?". Now is not a good time to ask "What this means". Right now, it means he probably needs to take a drink, a leak and a nap, perhaps not in that order.
My input: I know what it means; it means we had sex - and if it wasn't good for me, that means it won't happen again for you. Be glad I didn't just ask you to shake your ass on home.
Excuse any typos - I'm at work... and didn't bother spell-checking.
*addendum* because it was asked of me - no I do not hate men. I have a sense of humor is all. And yes, I'll make it public so you can link your friends over so they can get the giggles as well.