(no subject)
another boy confessed his undying love for me last night.
it made me sick.
why?
honestly you know nothing about me-if you did you would run screaming.
it did make me think..or just feel...
i get off on torturing men. making them want...making them think they have a chance..and making them hurt.
this summer i tried to contact the boy i practiced this on for years... i tried to apologize. it was a step towards forgiving myself... his girlfriend wouldnt let him see me. i was so furious... lately i have found myself drunkenly tormenting him via text at obscene hours. out of boredom....
no sahra, not boredom.
you are sick.
it is so fucking clear. i am a stereotype... throwing myself at men needing some sort of validation. never feeling loved or safe.
i just want to be held in a way that is non-sexual.
i feel violated when i am touched in haste
i was never in control-and now i refuse to be out of it...
but i have none still.
clearly...none.
i am convinced my boyfriend isnt in love with me. i know he loves me...i think so anyway? i want to marry him...
i dont think it will work.
do you ever just think you aren't going to live?
if i died would he be relieved? not to have to deal with the mess that i am?
i only feel beautiful when i am bleeding.
it made me sick.
why?
honestly you know nothing about me-if you did you would run screaming.
it did make me think..or just feel...
i get off on torturing men. making them want...making them think they have a chance..and making them hurt.
this summer i tried to contact the boy i practiced this on for years... i tried to apologize. it was a step towards forgiving myself... his girlfriend wouldnt let him see me. i was so furious... lately i have found myself drunkenly tormenting him via text at obscene hours. out of boredom....
no sahra, not boredom.
you are sick.
it is so fucking clear. i am a stereotype... throwing myself at men needing some sort of validation. never feeling loved or safe.
i just want to be held in a way that is non-sexual.
i feel violated when i am touched in haste
i was never in control-and now i refuse to be out of it...
but i have none still.
clearly...none.
i am convinced my boyfriend isnt in love with me. i know he loves me...i think so anyway? i want to marry him...
i dont think it will work.
do you ever just think you aren't going to live?
if i died would he be relieved? not to have to deal with the mess that i am?
i only feel beautiful when i am bleeding.