"Look back, don't stare." Easier said than done.
I'm sure by now, after years and years of being my friend, online or not, you've noticed that it's pretty difficult for me to let go of the past. I'd actually venture to say that it's almost impossible. I don't know why that is. I never have any plans for the future. No ambitions. It's the past I long for, dream of, cry about. In the final episode of Desperate Housewives, the character of Susan said something about how you've reached middle age once your memories become more important to you than your dreams. Well, I guess that means I was born middle-aged.
I'll give you an example. There was a boy in junior high. He's just about the only thing I remember about my first day there. To be more specific, his oddly dark hair (after all, Finns are known for their blondness) bouncing as we walked along the hallways getting acquainted with everything and everyone. I never spoke to this boy, other than this one short debate we were assigned to have during Finnish class. He probably doesn't even remember me. But here I am, 16 years later, STILL having dreams about him and wondering where he is in this world. I wouldn't say he was my crush -- I honestly first began having sexual feelings at around the age of 18, much later. But something about him drew me to him like crazy. The best word to describe this boy is inspirational. He challenged everything and everyone, but in the most intelligent way conceivable. He wasn't a straight A student, but still one of the smartest people I've met. And hell, he was BEAUTIFUL. He was a motivation on school days that felt long and dreary; he was a promise of a better tomorrow. And yet, as stated, we never interacted on any significant level.
WHY is it so tough for my subconscious to let go of him? Why can't I stop myself browsing Facebook every now and then to see if he has popped up somewhere unexpectedly? It's bewildering. I need this boy to be a part of my life, even though he basically never was. But I guess that's the point -- despite the lack of interaction, he was SO important to my psyche. It goes to show you that reality is a very confusing concept. The boy who lives in my head is probably nothing like the man he nowadays is or even the boy he then was, but I cling onto him like a thistle.
Any theories? Was my past so fucked up that I'm desperately trying to make it right by bringing it into the forefront and twisting it into something it most definitely wasn't? I once told someone online that I absolutely DESPISE "what if"s and can't comprehend why people surrender to them so willingly. In reality, I'm possibly the worst of them all. I live in the land of What If.
...Yes, this is what you get when I'm left all alone for five whole days. Depressing, eh?
xxPo
I'll give you an example. There was a boy in junior high. He's just about the only thing I remember about my first day there. To be more specific, his oddly dark hair (after all, Finns are known for their blondness) bouncing as we walked along the hallways getting acquainted with everything and everyone. I never spoke to this boy, other than this one short debate we were assigned to have during Finnish class. He probably doesn't even remember me. But here I am, 16 years later, STILL having dreams about him and wondering where he is in this world. I wouldn't say he was my crush -- I honestly first began having sexual feelings at around the age of 18, much later. But something about him drew me to him like crazy. The best word to describe this boy is inspirational. He challenged everything and everyone, but in the most intelligent way conceivable. He wasn't a straight A student, but still one of the smartest people I've met. And hell, he was BEAUTIFUL. He was a motivation on school days that felt long and dreary; he was a promise of a better tomorrow. And yet, as stated, we never interacted on any significant level.
WHY is it so tough for my subconscious to let go of him? Why can't I stop myself browsing Facebook every now and then to see if he has popped up somewhere unexpectedly? It's bewildering. I need this boy to be a part of my life, even though he basically never was. But I guess that's the point -- despite the lack of interaction, he was SO important to my psyche. It goes to show you that reality is a very confusing concept. The boy who lives in my head is probably nothing like the man he nowadays is or even the boy he then was, but I cling onto him like a thistle.
Any theories? Was my past so fucked up that I'm desperately trying to make it right by bringing it into the forefront and twisting it into something it most definitely wasn't? I once told someone online that I absolutely DESPISE "what if"s and can't comprehend why people surrender to them so willingly. In reality, I'm possibly the worst of them all. I live in the land of What If.
...Yes, this is what you get when I'm left all alone for five whole days. Depressing, eh?
xxPo