Stormy seas ahead....
It's clearly that time of year to battern down the hatches and prepare to weather some storms.
First, some background: My son is 21 years old and has lived away from home since shortly after he turned 18. In that time he has never held a job for more than a month and there has only been two jobs.
He is a wayward young man, preferring to spend his money on dope, drinking and gambling than paying rent or buying food. Before he was 21 I used to at least feed him until he got to the point that three days after he was paid his unemployment payment he would be on my doorstep begging for food.
He's frittered his money, spounged off his friends till they will not take it any more, been evicted more times than I care to remember and has spent time sleeping in an abandoned truck on a vacant allotment - all because he refuses to seek and hold down a job.
Time and time again he will end up homeless and penniless through his own silly decisions and time and time again come to me for help.
While trying to subtly teach him better I would help him - until he turned 21. Once he turned 21 I sat him down and told him that he would get no more financial help from me, whatever. I told him that he was my son and I loved him, but he was no longer my child so it was no longer my responsiblity to clothe or house him. It was his.
Well, he ended up in Queensland, as that is where he was born. Two days later he rang me wanting me to send him money so he could travel to a different town. I refused - after all, if he spent all his money plus some of mine travelling, what would he use to eat with, or pay for accommodation?
After that he seemed to take the hint and seemed happy living at a backpackers hostel. Next I heard he 'had to move' and was in a flat which he had just moved into and was doing good.
Then earlier this week he rang and said he had been kicked out of the flat. They had a rule that no one stayed over who did not have their name on the lease (and therefore had paid bond), and THREE TIMES he smuggled his girlfriend in. He said they did a three strikes and you're out thing and he was out. Ok, so he had already had two warnings but still persisted in ignoring the rules? That's pretty typical - he rebels and then wants me to cleanup and fix things after he gets landed with consequences of what he's done.
He asked me to send him money. I said no. He asked me again this weekend, and again I said no. His girlfriend doesn't get paid unemployment (and heaven forbid, neither of them is working), so she was spounging off him. He was talking about 'them' moving back down here.
Now, I have always had a policy with my son that if he moves back down here(which takes most of his payment in air fare) then he can stay here (in his tent on the back lawn - there are no spare beds in the house) and earn his keep doing chores until his following payday. Then he MUST move out and stand on his own two feet.
Well, we had a family conference and all agreed that no way was any strange penniless girl coming to our house. My son has never been one for respecting other people's property and I strongly doubted a penniless teenaged girl would either.
This brings us up to today. Today he called me to say he had managed to arrange a flight to come down south at last - arriving at 10.40am tomorrow morning, the day I have a write-in organised here for my local Nanowrimo group! It appears he was at his grandmother's house and she had arranged and paid for him to come home. He put her on the phone.
SHE tells me that his girlfriend is only 16 and had run away from home (and was therefore unable to get any help from centrelink as they would immediately contact her parents, who had reported her as a missing person!). She had climbed out the bedroom window and he had paid for a taxi to take her the 25km to where he was living. Together they had lived on his unemployment payments until he was kicked out of the flat for having her stay there.
He says he had 'kicked around' at a mate's place since then, but his grandmother believes they have been living on the streets. She said he's sick, with a cold, and looks really ragged. Grandma refused to bring the girl back to her place for the same reasons as we did not want her here, and called her mother to come collect her. That's when Grandma found out the girl's true age. My son had said she was 18. So either the girl or my son are lying.
Contact details have been taken should it prove they were not careful enough while they cohabited, but if the fates are kind he IS telling the truth this time when he said he used condoms!
In the meantime, Grandma had fed him and put him to bed and was going to take him to put him on the bus down to Brisbane where he would connect with his flight down here tomorrow. She said she would make sure he had enough money to get a bus up to Mt Barker from the City tomorrow which would make it easier for me to duck out and pick him up.
So, tomorrow my son arrives home penniless and homeless yet again. Grandma reckons he seems to have really hit rock bottom and realises his choices have not been good ones. I hope she's right.
I love my son, but his steadfast refusal to take responsiblity for himself frustrates me no end. Usually when he stays here something or other of ours gets broken or wrecked, or outright disappears. Usually when he stays here he holes up in the loungeroom, leaving it a mess with dirty dishes and glasses everywhere. Usually we are very glad to see the end of him when he leaves, which is incredibly sad.
Things are already going to be different this time. We've moved the lounge, remember? Now the lounge is where I work, so he will not be able to watch movies all day, nor will he be able to leave it a pigsty as I am here too.
Normally he never bothers looking for work til the day before he has to lodge his employment form to get paid. He's going to be going out every day looking for work if he wants to stay here this time. He's also going to be doing a lot more work around the house to earn his keep.
Every time this happens I keep hoping that this time at least he's learnt his lesson and this time he will sort himself out and clean up his act. Every time so far I've been disappointed. It's the hardset thing for a mother to stand by and see her son waste his life away like this. It's the hardest thing to refuse him food or money - but in feeding him or giving him money I am taking it away from the family here who live with me that I am responsible for. That's hardly fair. They at least all pull their weight and earn their keep. He should too.
What IS it about this son of mine that he is so troubled? What is it about him that can break my heart so?
Red.
First, some background: My son is 21 years old and has lived away from home since shortly after he turned 18. In that time he has never held a job for more than a month and there has only been two jobs.
He is a wayward young man, preferring to spend his money on dope, drinking and gambling than paying rent or buying food. Before he was 21 I used to at least feed him until he got to the point that three days after he was paid his unemployment payment he would be on my doorstep begging for food.
He's frittered his money, spounged off his friends till they will not take it any more, been evicted more times than I care to remember and has spent time sleeping in an abandoned truck on a vacant allotment - all because he refuses to seek and hold down a job.
Time and time again he will end up homeless and penniless through his own silly decisions and time and time again come to me for help.
While trying to subtly teach him better I would help him - until he turned 21. Once he turned 21 I sat him down and told him that he would get no more financial help from me, whatever. I told him that he was my son and I loved him, but he was no longer my child so it was no longer my responsiblity to clothe or house him. It was his.
Well, he ended up in Queensland, as that is where he was born. Two days later he rang me wanting me to send him money so he could travel to a different town. I refused - after all, if he spent all his money plus some of mine travelling, what would he use to eat with, or pay for accommodation?
After that he seemed to take the hint and seemed happy living at a backpackers hostel. Next I heard he 'had to move' and was in a flat which he had just moved into and was doing good.
Then earlier this week he rang and said he had been kicked out of the flat. They had a rule that no one stayed over who did not have their name on the lease (and therefore had paid bond), and THREE TIMES he smuggled his girlfriend in. He said they did a three strikes and you're out thing and he was out. Ok, so he had already had two warnings but still persisted in ignoring the rules? That's pretty typical - he rebels and then wants me to cleanup and fix things after he gets landed with consequences of what he's done.
He asked me to send him money. I said no. He asked me again this weekend, and again I said no. His girlfriend doesn't get paid unemployment (and heaven forbid, neither of them is working), so she was spounging off him. He was talking about 'them' moving back down here.
Now, I have always had a policy with my son that if he moves back down here(which takes most of his payment in air fare) then he can stay here (in his tent on the back lawn - there are no spare beds in the house) and earn his keep doing chores until his following payday. Then he MUST move out and stand on his own two feet.
Well, we had a family conference and all agreed that no way was any strange penniless girl coming to our house. My son has never been one for respecting other people's property and I strongly doubted a penniless teenaged girl would either.
This brings us up to today. Today he called me to say he had managed to arrange a flight to come down south at last - arriving at 10.40am tomorrow morning, the day I have a write-in organised here for my local Nanowrimo group! It appears he was at his grandmother's house and she had arranged and paid for him to come home. He put her on the phone.
SHE tells me that his girlfriend is only 16 and had run away from home (and was therefore unable to get any help from centrelink as they would immediately contact her parents, who had reported her as a missing person!). She had climbed out the bedroom window and he had paid for a taxi to take her the 25km to where he was living. Together they had lived on his unemployment payments until he was kicked out of the flat for having her stay there.
He says he had 'kicked around' at a mate's place since then, but his grandmother believes they have been living on the streets. She said he's sick, with a cold, and looks really ragged. Grandma refused to bring the girl back to her place for the same reasons as we did not want her here, and called her mother to come collect her. That's when Grandma found out the girl's true age. My son had said she was 18. So either the girl or my son are lying.
Contact details have been taken should it prove they were not careful enough while they cohabited, but if the fates are kind he IS telling the truth this time when he said he used condoms!
In the meantime, Grandma had fed him and put him to bed and was going to take him to put him on the bus down to Brisbane where he would connect with his flight down here tomorrow. She said she would make sure he had enough money to get a bus up to Mt Barker from the City tomorrow which would make it easier for me to duck out and pick him up.
So, tomorrow my son arrives home penniless and homeless yet again. Grandma reckons he seems to have really hit rock bottom and realises his choices have not been good ones. I hope she's right.
I love my son, but his steadfast refusal to take responsiblity for himself frustrates me no end. Usually when he stays here something or other of ours gets broken or wrecked, or outright disappears. Usually when he stays here he holes up in the loungeroom, leaving it a mess with dirty dishes and glasses everywhere. Usually we are very glad to see the end of him when he leaves, which is incredibly sad.
Things are already going to be different this time. We've moved the lounge, remember? Now the lounge is where I work, so he will not be able to watch movies all day, nor will he be able to leave it a pigsty as I am here too.
Normally he never bothers looking for work til the day before he has to lodge his employment form to get paid. He's going to be going out every day looking for work if he wants to stay here this time. He's also going to be doing a lot more work around the house to earn his keep.
Every time this happens I keep hoping that this time at least he's learnt his lesson and this time he will sort himself out and clean up his act. Every time so far I've been disappointed. It's the hardset thing for a mother to stand by and see her son waste his life away like this. It's the hardest thing to refuse him food or money - but in feeding him or giving him money I am taking it away from the family here who live with me that I am responsible for. That's hardly fair. They at least all pull their weight and earn their keep. He should too.
What IS it about this son of mine that he is so troubled? What is it about him that can break my heart so?
Red.