Back in the USSR
Rich fell asleep at 8:30. It started as this let's go upstairs thing, we turned the lights off and played Billie Holiday, I had a cigarette.. And the next thing I know, he's asleep. (NOTHING can wake him!) He's worse than me.. It feels like he's not here, and tonight has been so dull. I did some homework, watched TV, ate tomatoes, and took a bath..
I put in In Reverie, which was completely over-played in the warmer times of last year. I found my cigarette holder with cloves, which remind me of the late summer, early fall when I went to Harvard every day. There was this lull, after Nick and I broke up, school was starting, but nothing really mattered and I wasn't emotional. I think I was seeing Lynch then.
I realized that the more I learn about my dad, the more I don't like him. The last time we talked was when he dropped me off at the airport, we had a fight and I flipped him off.. He called the Sunday after that day, to say that he was sorry and that we should overlook things. I couldn't. After all the fights we've had... It's been two and a half months.. I thought a lot about it and I realized that I have a ton of issues with him. I'm really terrified of abandonment or rejection, a hundred other dumb things..
Sunday night I came home and stepped on his picture, and broke the frame, but I didn't know what to do with it, so I shoved it under my bed and I'm just going to wait to decide whether to throw out the whole thing or to pull the picture out.
I just thought that was funny in a pathetic way, stepping on someone's picture but not being able to throw it out.. Next time I should tear it up and then tape it back together.
I lost a lot of friends, I feel sorta like I've been blacklisted by my old friends. I've been sitting at my locker during lunch cause it's a little easier than sitting at a table where I know half the people hate me. It also matches everyone's 'goth' expectations.
The last time I was at the table, or as I like to call it, the "trough"..I asked - if we had an English test, on Tuesday, because I'd been absent. "I dunno" they barely replied. "I thought it was tomorrow." said the other person, quiety to them. "Yeah, it is" they said back to the other person, really quietly. I guess they thought I didn't hear them, or just didn't care..
But I had a dream about that cafeteria scene where after they said that, everybody froze, completely, and I got out of my chair and walked out. After I left, everyone started moving again and I realized I'd left my purse in there.. I tried to go back and get it, but I couldn't get back in, and I was freaking out.
I think maybe the cafeteria is comme Le Greenhouse. They're both cursed and I always leave angry.
Oh, and my ex dissed me today. Okay, THAT pissed me off. He thinks I'm a ditz????????? At least I don't call people at three in the morning crying. FUCKIN A, man. (AND PICK ALL THAT GROSS FUZZ OUT OF YOUR HAIR!)
Anyway, I've got this cigarette, I'm going to smoke it. I'm slowly getting beyound all this social bullshit. (chain of fools, chainsmoke)
P.S. I was thinking it'd be really funny to make a reality TV show parady of Denis the Menace with "W" as Denis and "Mr. William" (Cheney).. ohh possibities.
I put in In Reverie, which was completely over-played in the warmer times of last year. I found my cigarette holder with cloves, which remind me of the late summer, early fall when I went to Harvard every day. There was this lull, after Nick and I broke up, school was starting, but nothing really mattered and I wasn't emotional. I think I was seeing Lynch then.
I realized that the more I learn about my dad, the more I don't like him. The last time we talked was when he dropped me off at the airport, we had a fight and I flipped him off.. He called the Sunday after that day, to say that he was sorry and that we should overlook things. I couldn't. After all the fights we've had... It's been two and a half months.. I thought a lot about it and I realized that I have a ton of issues with him. I'm really terrified of abandonment or rejection, a hundred other dumb things..
Sunday night I came home and stepped on his picture, and broke the frame, but I didn't know what to do with it, so I shoved it under my bed and I'm just going to wait to decide whether to throw out the whole thing or to pull the picture out.
I just thought that was funny in a pathetic way, stepping on someone's picture but not being able to throw it out.. Next time I should tear it up and then tape it back together.
I lost a lot of friends, I feel sorta like I've been blacklisted by my old friends. I've been sitting at my locker during lunch cause it's a little easier than sitting at a table where I know half the people hate me. It also matches everyone's 'goth' expectations.
The last time I was at the table, or as I like to call it, the "trough"..I asked - if we had an English test, on Tuesday, because I'd been absent. "I dunno" they barely replied. "I thought it was tomorrow." said the other person, quiety to them. "Yeah, it is" they said back to the other person, really quietly. I guess they thought I didn't hear them, or just didn't care..
But I had a dream about that cafeteria scene where after they said that, everybody froze, completely, and I got out of my chair and walked out. After I left, everyone started moving again and I realized I'd left my purse in there.. I tried to go back and get it, but I couldn't get back in, and I was freaking out.
I think maybe the cafeteria is comme Le Greenhouse. They're both cursed and I always leave angry.
Oh, and my ex dissed me today. Okay, THAT pissed me off. He thinks I'm a ditz????????? At least I don't call people at three in the morning crying. FUCKIN A, man. (AND PICK ALL THAT GROSS FUZZ OUT OF YOUR HAIR!)
Anyway, I've got this cigarette, I'm going to smoke it. I'm slowly getting beyound all this social bullshit. (chain of fools, chainsmoke)
P.S. I was thinking it'd be really funny to make a reality TV show parady of Denis the Menace with "W" as Denis and "Mr. William" (Cheney).. ohh possibities.