All right-
So, I've finished reading through all of the journal entries here. It's kind of crazy how many ideas I had before that just either didn't get picked up again, or were just set on the back burner. This is like a moratorium of ancient thoughts and poetry and so on.
Michelle passed away, that being archethereal. We'd gotten divorced some time ago. We were starting to become closer, I guess. We were talking more and more. I have enough outlets to really talk about this, so I'd rather not go into it. Ultimately, I didn't get a chance to say anything to her before she passed away. I think I dropped the ball on that, though.
My friend Dustin (kata_satori) had sent me a text message several days before she passed away, asking if I had the space to allow her to stay with me. Unfortunately, I did not at the time. I was living in what amounted to a glorified shed that had no running water or heat in the middle of woods, which was also infested with spiders. It was kind of a weird time in my life. I was going through, attempting to sober up and make sure that everything was good to go as far as that's concerned. It's been two years since Saturday, so I think I'm all right on that front.
Anyway, he asked if she could stay with me. I said that I didn't have the room. A few days later, she passes away. Now, a normal person would just call it coincidence. I had it in my head for a while that it wasn't coincidental at all - that in fact, something had happened to her and someone was the cause of it. However, I didn't have the means or the funds to investigate the matter further. I was going to travel to where she passed away, but could never get enough money or time off from work to do it. I still would like to, but considering that the coroner's report came back with no discernible cause of death, I don't know if I would find anything.
I blamed myself for a while. I guess, mainly what I thought was that if I had said yes, regardless of my circumstances, she would still be alive and all right. I think about that almost every day. Maybe that's unhealthy, but it's probably part of the grieving process. Even though we'd been divorced for a while, we both agreed that once you made a contract like that, (or a pact, if you will) it was a life-long commitment. We both agreed within the last year or so that we would always have one another's backs in case something happened.
And this is where I believe I dropped the ball.
A lot of the entries on here are tributes to her. Some of them are self-absorbed and completely pathetic goth poetry, which is funny to look at, but sad to think that I spent so much of my life wrapped up in that. Although I still have a slightly dark outlook on life, I try to keep positive. It helps with the process of remaining sober.
There isn't much else to say. I work a job similar to the job I worked in Oklahoma. I'm still attempting to become a real writer. One of these days, maybe I'll get that chance. I'm working on several pieces right now; maybe one of them will come to fruition and be decent. I've been diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy, so I'm taking medication for that. Outside of that, things are generally okay.
But anyhow, this was interesting to catch up on what I'd done for the last five to seven years. Crazy stuff.
Michelle passed away, that being archethereal. We'd gotten divorced some time ago. We were starting to become closer, I guess. We were talking more and more. I have enough outlets to really talk about this, so I'd rather not go into it. Ultimately, I didn't get a chance to say anything to her before she passed away. I think I dropped the ball on that, though.
My friend Dustin (kata_satori) had sent me a text message several days before she passed away, asking if I had the space to allow her to stay with me. Unfortunately, I did not at the time. I was living in what amounted to a glorified shed that had no running water or heat in the middle of woods, which was also infested with spiders. It was kind of a weird time in my life. I was going through, attempting to sober up and make sure that everything was good to go as far as that's concerned. It's been two years since Saturday, so I think I'm all right on that front.
Anyway, he asked if she could stay with me. I said that I didn't have the room. A few days later, she passes away. Now, a normal person would just call it coincidence. I had it in my head for a while that it wasn't coincidental at all - that in fact, something had happened to her and someone was the cause of it. However, I didn't have the means or the funds to investigate the matter further. I was going to travel to where she passed away, but could never get enough money or time off from work to do it. I still would like to, but considering that the coroner's report came back with no discernible cause of death, I don't know if I would find anything.
I blamed myself for a while. I guess, mainly what I thought was that if I had said yes, regardless of my circumstances, she would still be alive and all right. I think about that almost every day. Maybe that's unhealthy, but it's probably part of the grieving process. Even though we'd been divorced for a while, we both agreed that once you made a contract like that, (or a pact, if you will) it was a life-long commitment. We both agreed within the last year or so that we would always have one another's backs in case something happened.
And this is where I believe I dropped the ball.
A lot of the entries on here are tributes to her. Some of them are self-absorbed and completely pathetic goth poetry, which is funny to look at, but sad to think that I spent so much of my life wrapped up in that. Although I still have a slightly dark outlook on life, I try to keep positive. It helps with the process of remaining sober.
There isn't much else to say. I work a job similar to the job I worked in Oklahoma. I'm still attempting to become a real writer. One of these days, maybe I'll get that chance. I'm working on several pieces right now; maybe one of them will come to fruition and be decent. I've been diagnosed with temporal lobe epilepsy, so I'm taking medication for that. Outside of that, things are generally okay.
But anyhow, this was interesting to catch up on what I'd done for the last five to seven years. Crazy stuff.