Masks and Mirrors, The Rest of Chapter Five
Tonks' third day in hospital brought no release for her bottled-up emotions. It did, however, bring distraction from her troubles, in the form of colleagues from the Auror squad.
"Eileen dropped in on her lunch break," Tonks told Kingsley, who had a rare day off and arrived with Mad-Eye. "She Flooed up to her Gran's in Belfast to get me those funny red flowers."
The last she said for Mad-Eye's benefit, who was sizing up the veritable florist's shop on her bedside table as though they'd come from Voldemort's garden.
"And that cactus is from Gawain, and the spines aren't poisoned -- I know, because I already pricked myself in the middle of the night reaching for my water glass."
Actually it had been her two-way mirror she'd reached for, not her water; she'd woken disoriented from a particularly realistic dream and called Remus about some nonsense involving eggs in the lasagne. But Mad-Eye didn't need to know that. And anyway it wasn't a very funny story, as Remus had come by for his morning visit looking as if he hadn't managed to get back to sleep after that. She was fairly sure she'd only done because of the Sleeping Draught. She felt awfully for it, he told her she shouldn't, they squabbled, and all definitely hadn't been fair in love and war when Remus left.
"Did Eileen tell you about what we learnt from Rabelais Lestrange?" Kingsley asked.
"Not much," Tonks replied. "I mean, Eileen said they didn't get much out of him other than he was looking for something at my parents' house. Mad-Eye!"
Out the corner of her eye, she'd caught Mad-Eye doing a residual magic scan on her potted plants.
"Unless you want to answer to my mother and Molly, you'll leave those poor flowers alone before you kill them."
"Have to be constantly vigilant," Mad-Eye said. "Remember what happened to Bode."
"Yeah, well. There're so many security wards at the Burrow I know Molly's geraniums are safe. And I doubt Lestrange stopped to hex Mum's violas before he went to work on the staircase."
"But you admit it's a possibility," said Mad-Eye.
"That's not what I..."
Tonks let the words trail away with a sigh. Taking the mickey out of Mad-Eye was normally one of her favourite pastimes, and she had a feeling it would be fun in hospital, as well. But today she simply wasn't up to it.
"What d'you know, Kingsley?"
His strong features were cool and calm as he seated himself in the chair next to the bed, crossing one leg casually over the other. To anyone who didn't know him well, Kingsley would have been the picture of laid-back. But Tonks noted a tightness in his cheek, and his brown eyes looked darker than usual, hard and fixed on some thought as though he were carefully analysing a bit of physical evidence.
"They gave him Veritaserum," he said, eyes flicking up to hers. "And he didn't talk."
"Eileen told me," said Tonks. "D'you reckon he had the antidote?"
"So far no one's detected it, but you've always been the best one at that."
Damn it all to bloody hell! It wasn't only Remus who needed her out of hospital, it was the Auror department, as well.
"Come on," she said, shifting on the bed to reach for the Healer call cord. "Let's get me discharged, and I'll--"
"You'll stay right where you are." Kingsley caught her hand and drew it away from the cord, placing it on her blanket-covered lap. "Gawain thinks -- and I agree -- that Lestrange didn't have a bloody clue what he was in your parents' house for, and was working with a partner over the Floo Network."
Sitting bolt upright, Tonks clutched the wide sleeve of Kingsley's robe as he withdrew his hand. "Lestrange was doing something to the Floo in Mum's room when I found him!" She quickly filled him in on Remus' and her sweep of the Floo for bugging spells. "Did Gawain's investigation turn anything up? Or did you find out who he was opening a direct link with?"
"No..." As Kingsley drew out the word, shadowed valleys etched his dark skin. "That would be the bit Eileen didn't tell you, I suppose."
Tonks' eyebrows knit together. "What d'you mean?"
"Never trust a one-eyed witch," Mad-Eye muttered.
"Please!" Tonks snorted. "You've only got one eye, and we trust you. And leave my flowers alone!"
"I'm a one-eyed wizard."
Tonks groaned, but was more interested in what Kingsley had to say than in fighting for her flowers. "What else didn't Eileen tell me?"
Kingsley studied her for a long moment, looking as if he were either weighing his words, or weighing whether he ought to share this information with her at all.
"Kingsley?"
"When you Flooed for backup, it was Eileen working dispatch, wasn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Aurors don't work dispatch," Kingsley said. "Didn't that strike you as odd?"
"It would've if I hadn't just been struck by a falling staircase." Tonks frowned. "Why was Eileen working dispatch, then?"
Kingsley uncrossed his legs and leant forward, elbows on his knees. "No one's supposed to know this," he said quietly. "Remus thought it seemed off and asked me to have a look at Gawain's private notes."
"And?" Tonks' heart beat a rapid staccato.
"Scrimgeour wanted the department to keep tabs on your parents. Or more specifically, on your Mum."
"WHAT?!"
"Hush, girl!" Mad-Eye hissed. "Do you want everyone in St. Mungo's to think your folks are on the wrong side?"
"I did a Muffliato when we came in," said Kingsley. "But you do need to calm down, Tonks. It's not the first time the Ministry's watched your mum and dad, and you can hardly blame them, given the family connections."
"No," Tonks reluctantly admitted. Remus had been right. "But why didn't he tell me?"
If only she'd known, she'd have had a good answer for her parents. She wouldn't have rushed out and investigated just to get them out of her house. She wouldn't be hurt, she wouldn't be here...
"Because you're not objective enough?" said Kingsley with a shrug.
"You mean he doesn't trust me," Tonks snapped. "Because it's my family connection, as well. Bellatrix is my aunt, Narcissa's not a Death Eater, but she's not exactly anti, Lestrange and Malfoy are my uncles, I'm a sodding shape-shifter with high security clearance..." She let out a puff of bitter laughter. "Reckon that's why Gawain was so jolly nice to me the other day? I mean, besides the fact that Remus' crime scene report left out all the bits about how I cocked-up the investigation. I'm not allowed to morph, so I'm not a great internal threat?"
"That's bollocks, Tonks, and you know it," Kingsley admonished, sitting back in his chair. "Scrimgeour wanted constant surveillance--"
"Umbridge's advice, no doubt," said Mad-Eye.
"--but Gawain convinced him that hourly checks, and monitoring Floo use, would do, as there wasn't probable cause that Ted and Andromeda were up to anything other than going about life as usual."
Tonks wasn't totally comforted, but she did relax against her pillows -- or lay wearily back. "Explains how Eileen didn't know there was an intruder. Though shouldn't she have known someone was fiddling with the Floo?"
"She thought it was ridiculous to spy on your parents, too," said Kingsley, "and got sloppy. Like we all do from time to time."
Though Tonks winced at her inner voice supplying, Like you did this time, she actually found herself feeling for Eileen. Luckily for Tonks, she'd been unconscious, and Gawain heard the events of what had happened at her parents' house from Remus, who'd put her in the best light possible because "that's what partners do." Poor Eileen had been working alone, and hadn't been injured, and likely had to hear about her mistakes from Gawain and Scrimgeour, too.
"Need to have a word with Robards about a constant vigilance seminar," Mad-Eye grumbled. "Auror division could do well with a reminder."
Tonks actually laughed, though when she turned her head to look at Mad-Eye, it died. Previously so tall and cheerful in their pink glass vase, Tonks' gerberas had wilted, the burnt-looking petals scattered across her bedside table. "Mad-Eye! Those were from Remus!"
"Were bugged."
He held up his wand, on the tip of which crawled a ladybird. He muttered an indistinguishable spell, presumably to turn an Animagus back to its human form.
The ladybird blew up.
Kingsley sniggered behind his hand, but turned it into a cough when Tonks glared at him before pinning Mad-Eye with her gaze.
The craggy face almost looked sheepish.
"Better safe than sorry."
"I'm sorry!" said Tonks, twisting her sheets in her hands as she watched Remus pace the length of her tiny curtained off area of the Artefact Accidents ward.
"You've nothing to be sorry for," said Remus. "It's Mad-Eye that ought to be apologising. Although I can't deny it's an appropriate end to the day I've had that my flowers would be burnt up by a hyper-paranoid former Auror."
Tonks stared at his retreating back. She'd seen Remus in a mood, but normally he brooded silently, wearing an unreadable mask. The pacing, the obvious agitation -- it bordered on a proper strop.
"What happened?" she asked.
Back still to her, Remus stopped in his tracks. His jumper stretched across his tensed shoulders, and at his sides, his fingers flexed, then balled into fists. He'd said more than he'd meant. Tonks wasn't at all surprised when he turned to her wearing a tolerant smile.
"Nothing but a few delays."
"What sort of delays?"
"Inconvenient ones."
Tonks rolled her eyes. "Where?"
"Gringotts and the apothecary. They caused me to be embarrassingly late for a meeting with Kingsley and wasted hours of his first day off in an age, and I completely missed--"
"A meeting about Eileen working Floo dispatch?"
Remus looked at her with eyebrows raised as if to ask how she knew that.
"He said you asked him to take a look at Gawain's private files."
Remus nodded, slowly. "We talked about Eileen's assignment. Among other things."
Tonks had a suspicion that Remus had thrown the latter out as bait to get her off the subject of his frustrating day. She did want to know the details of their interview, but at the moment she was far more concerned about Remus her fiancé than Remus the Order leader.
"You were late meeting Kingsley and you completely missed what?" she back-tracked.
Frowning deeply, Remus dragged a hand through his hair and over his stubbled cheek.
"An appointment with Minerva," he said darkly, and resumed his circuit of her tiny, curtained-off section of the Artefact Accidents ward.
"How many weeks' detention and how many points from Gryffindor?"
"I needed her to visit the Durmstrang library for some very old books on Dark Magic which may be useful to Harry."
Again he'd tried to shift the subject, and Tonks hadn't missed the single puff in his throat which had barely constituted a chuckle, where ordinarily her joke at least would have made his blue eyes twinkle merrily.
"What the bloody hell happened, Remus? You're not telling the whole story."
"Nothing worth telling."
"It wasn't nothing if Mad-eye blowing up your flowers pushed you over the edge instead of making you laugh." She paused, gathering courage to ask, "Was it my parents?"
"No." Remus shook his head. "They have been nothing but cordial and grateful."
"Mum must've been really terrified if she's grateful for the Hog's Head."
"Well--" He glanced over his shoulder, wryly from beneath a tousled fringe. "I did catch a few wrinkled noses I suspect I wasn't meant to see."
Tonks laughed, but only briefly before she realised the only accompanying sound was the squeak of Remus' shoes on the tile. When a full minute passed without any indication that he intended to speak, Tonks, by process of elimination, was fairly sure what had been behind the delays at Gringotts and the apothecary.
As he reached the head of her bed, she caught his hand to stop him from taking another turn.
"I know you don't like talking about this stuff, but we're getting married. When I have a crap day, you want to know what made it crap."
Sighing, Remus covered their joined hands with his other, and seated himself at the edge of her bed, facing her.
"You're injured. Is it really the best time--?"
"My knee, Remus. Not my brain or my heart."
"I don't want to upset you."
"And keeping me in the dark doesn't upset me?"
Another sigh. "It's not that I don't want to talk to you about it."
Tonks arched an eyebrow.
Looking away, he smiled sheepishly. No -- it was more than that. Two spots of red coloured his ashen cheeks. Merlin, he'd been humiliated. Mortification burned hotly within her as her heart and breath stopped, waiting for him to speak.
"All right," he said, finally. "I don't particularly relish telling my socially upstanding bride-to-be..."
Even in the painful context, Tonks couldn't help but smile, and soften inside, to hear those words fall from Remus' lips, especially when happiness from deep within ghosted his expression, as well; just as quickly the knot in her stomach tightened as the phrase socially upstanding resonated within her, as if he were drawing attention to the place that society gave him, beneath her.
"...I was made rather a public spectacle," he continued, drawing her out of her thoughts, "when I tried to withdraw gold from her -- our -- Gringotts vault, but had forgotten my card to prove I'm a joint account holder."
"What?" Tonks bolted upright in her bed, fingernails digging into Remus' palm as she clutched at his hand. "They wanted you to show that card? You've got to be bloody joking! Everyone knows me in Gringotts, and you've gone in with me dozens of times."
"The operative phrase would be with you." He freed his hand from her grasp, and Tonks saw that her nails had left half-moons in his palm. "Even after I'd gone home for the card, it took Bill Weasley vouching for me that you and I are a legitimate couple, before they would allow me into the vault."
"It's bloody ridiculous, Remus! Who hassled you? A new goblin you don't know?"
"It was a new apprentice who made me wait till there were no other customers in the apothecary shop," said Remus, smile now laced with a bitterness that matched the note in his rasping voice, "even though Mr. Yuhong had mixed my Wolfsbane Potion first thing."
Now Tonks' fingernails dug into her own palms as she gritted her teeth to squelch a scream. How could anyone trade five words with this man and then treat him that way? They were petty humiliations -- but somehow the very smallness was what made them so awful. He'd struggled so hard for the past year to maintain his dignity, and now this. He was yet so fragile...
"Where was Mr. Yuhong?" she asked.
"Out on personal business. He'd come in especially to brew my potion, then left."
"You should owl him. He won't stand for that sort of bigotry from an employee."
"I'm not sure he has much choice in his apprentice. It's all up to the Potion Brewers' Guild, and I doubt that being courteous to werewolf patrons is high priority."
"We'll write them a letter anyway." Tonks snorted. "Who was it at Gringotts? Not Ragnok."
Remus looked down at his hands, folded together in his lap.
Tonks' jaw dropped. "But you've always had a...a..." She cast about for a suitable word. "...a rapport with Ragnok, about being denied equal rights, 'n all."
"With Greyback on the rampage and it known openly, thanks to the battle at Hogwarts, that he serves Voldemort, increased anti-werewolf sentiment can hardly come as a surprise, can it? And there's Bill, a daily reminder to the Gringotts staff of how monstrous my kind can be."
The words struck her like a sharp slap on the face. For a moment she sat, stunned.
"Your kind," Tonks ground out after a moment, voice hitching, "are wizard-kind."
She blinked against a sudden sting in her eyes, but rather than stopping tears, they only squeezed out. Though blurred, Tonks saw Remus' face go grey, anxious lines etching deeply. She tried to summon the tears back back, but they wouldn't be stopped.
Swiping at her cheeks with the back of her hand, she said, "I'm okay. It's just these bloody potions making me all highly-strung--"
Remus had shifted on the bed, and was now wrapping his arms around her as he stretched out alongside her.
"I didn't mean that," he murmured, intuiting what had set her off.
"It's been so long since you said anything like that," Tonks admitted in a small voice, tucking her head under his chin and clinging to the back of his jumper.
"I know. I really didn't mean it," he repeated, kissing her hair, nuzzling her temple. She felt his shuddering indrawn breath against her body. "I'm sorry, Dora. It's just that what I--" He caught himself. "My condition has been thrown in my face all day."
Tonks squeezed him, then pulled back so she could look into his eyes. "Not by the people who matter," she said, brushing his hair back from his forehead, tracing the outline of his cheek.
His hand came to rest on her ribcage, fingers tracing circles over the thin cotton pyjamas. "No. Not by the people who matter. Except..."
"Except what?"
Remus' gaze drifted down to his fingers, ceasing their movement on her abdomen. "It's not only Gringotts goblins who think I'm taking advantage of you. Your father doesn't trust my motives for being with you."
Tonks' stomach knotted. Next time she saw her dad, she'd a piece of her mind to give him. A long overdue piece of her mind, as their safety prevented her parents making frequent hospital visits. If only she weren't trapped here, she could be helping Remus deal with them, convincing them of how real their love was, how much he gave her even though he had nothing in the way of worldly goods.
"You're not alone," Tonks said. "What I am and where I come from apparently are going to be thrown in my face, as well."
She related her conversation with Kingsley about Scrimgeour's suspicions and Robards' failure to inform her about them. Of course it wasn't new information to Remus, and the commonality did little to ease his anxiety.
"You see," he said quietly, "I can't help but wonder if your relationship with me is perhaps a contributing factor to those suspicions."
"Don't go there, Remus."
"I can't help it."
"I know." Tonks also knew that Remus needed her to acknowledge the reality of what he was saying. "And..." She paused, then blurted, though it pained her even to form the words, "It really might be."
Oddly, though Remus' face remained set in harsh lines, his body relaxed. How much heartache would they have been spared if only she'd realised how far the truth went with him? Yes, his life was full of hardships, and yes, a life with him meant sharing them, and sacrificing, and possibly losing the life she'd made for herself. I know all that, and I want you anyway was a language Remus understood in his heart, where I don't care fell like a foreign phrase on his ears.
She pushed up on her elbow. Her shoulder, though mending nicely, ached a little as she pushed shaggy pinky-brown fringe out of her face.
Damn it. She as starting to lose another morph. Should she fix it? No -- it would only draw attention to the fact, and Remus had been so preoccupied and agitated when he came in that he might not have noticed.
"You're as much a part of my life as me being a Metamorphmagus and related to Bellatrix Lestrange, and nothing's going to change that, no matter what anyone says. So d'you know what I say?"
"Sod them?"
Tonks grinned. "You're a good student."
"You're a good teacher," Remus replied, leaning in for a kiss.
"So're you."
"Was."
"No -- are."
His forehead crinkled, and Tonks wondered if he was thinking she didn't make sense because she was drugged. It was very likely. But she barrelled ahead on that train of thought.
"You've been very patient with me as I've learnt to say what you need to hear."
"Thank you," said Remus, giving a small smile, though the lines at the corners of his eyes looked pained. "But I know I could have done a better job of communicating those needs to you."
"I got it right just now, didn't I?"
He looked at her for a moment, and the tired lines eased. When he spoke, his words were a whisper against her cheek. "Exactly right."
Tangling her fingers in his soft hair, Tonks kissed his ear. "Then that makes you a good teacher."
He'd only just touched his lips to hers when he pulled back with a sigh and a furrowed forehead.
"Talking of teachers," he said hoarsely, "I'm supposed to see Healer Pye about your knee exercises." His gaze was fixed over her shoulder, and Tonks turned her head to see him looking at her clock.
"You'd better go," she said, "if you want to catch him before his shift ends."
Remus nodded and slowly sat up, swinging his legs to the floor. But he didn't stand. "Visiting hours will be over by the time I finish with Pye."
Once again, Tonks' stomach knotted with the sickening thought of how Remus needed her at home this week, and she'd failed him.
Though she felt ill, she forced herself to smile and tried for a suggestive tone. "There's always naughtiness with two-way mirrors."
It seemed she'd got it right, given the way Remus' eyes darkened as he rose from the bed. As his gaze swept her slowly, the slightest of smiles tugged at the corner of his mouth. His Adam's apple bob as he swallowed hard.
But then the look of desire was gone, and Remus' face was lined and regretful.
"Actually Harry mentioned them in an owl today, and I meant to ask if I might bring your mirror home tonight so I can study the properties."
"Of course." Tonks grabbed it from her bedside table and held it out to him.
Fingers brushing hers as he took it, Remus apologised for taking it, and again for not being able to stay with her. He looked so tired.
"Remus," she said after they'd kissed goodbye, "I know Harry and the Order need you, but you need sleep tonight."
"I'll try."
Tonks tried, too, but it was difficult when his strained smile lingered with her, making her feel as if, by bringing up his impending transformation in the midst of the weight of his Order duties, the person who mattered most to him had thrown his condition in his face more cruelly than bigoted bank staff or apothecary apprentices had done.
A/N: Did you catch the hidden fanfic reference? You might have recognised Mr. Yuhong, one of the best OCs ever in an R/T fic, from "The Future's Not Ours To See", by the very talented Gilpin25. I hope she doesn't mind me borrowing him, and I hope all of you who haven't read the fic will run and do so now!
Thank you so much to all who read and reviewed the previous installment of this fic. This time, people who leave feedback will get a visit from Remus -- you don't even have to be hospitalized or ill -- who will bring you your choice of flowers or, if you're up for a bit of naughtiness, a set of two-way mirrors to do with as you will...
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