The Only Colour Better Than Black Is Transparent Chap 1
A.N. Please have read the prologue before starting ne? Or this will confuse you (but still make you laugh like an idiot, I promise)
Basically, one very pissed off angel has a hell of a bad day *pun intended*
Angels, be they black or white-winged, are superior entities compared to humans. They can use their entire brain capacity, control the elements, use magic, mind-read, predict the future, live for over two thousand years in prime shape and fly.
The main point of the last sentence was the FLYING.
Who needs a driver’s licence when they can fly? No-one.
“Fuck,” Ueda Tatsuya, currently a white-winged angel sent to Earth to study humanity, cursed out loud while rummaging through his glovebox. “Fuck this. Just because I know how a car works and how to build one doesn’t mean I’ve ever driven one!! These humans are so dense! Why can’t they invent a car that drives itself or mutate their DNA to grow some goddamn wings?! OR AT LEAST HEAVEN SHOULD HAVE GIVEN ME A MANUAL ON HOW TO DRIVE THIS PIECE OF SHT BEFORE THEY GAVE THIS TO ME!!!”
The piece of ‘shit’ Ueda is currently referring to is the newest model Aston Martin with a custom paintjob and calf leather inerior.
He never did find the driving manual in the glovebox either. Instead, the scowling angel pulled out an unassuming manila envelope, perfectly printed with the words ‘Dear Tatsuya’ on it.
“Dear Tatsuya,” he read the letter inside, “Good day to you. I am your dean Gabriel- OH GOD NO WAY!! Why does Gabriel have to be my dean out of all the archangels?!”
He was tempted to turn the paper to ashes and just walk to wherever he needed to go.
“…I deal primarily with young angels who have a great deal of magical potential, but are slightly misguided and therefore am in charge of reforming them”
Yes, because I’ve dyed my wings black, lived in hell for 500 years and hate your guts. I need to be reformed.
“…If all has gone well, you should have woken up in the driver’s seat of this car in the middle of Japan and is blaspheming because you do not know how to drive it.”
Correct. If you had let me keep my prediction powers, I could have foreseen this when I woke up and not even bothered to read your crap.
“..but that is just fine. The human body we have put you in is a very reliable driver and when you start the ignition of your new car, the body’s instincts should awaken and take you straight home. If not, there is always the GPS on the dashboard. In the case of an emergency such as speeding fines, you should find a sum of cash in your wallet, plus a credit card with no limit, a cellular phone with no end to battery life or money. This is your allowance. We understand it as the Finance department inputting into the Japanese economy and none of the money you spend on this trip will be billed to your bank account in hell. The clothing you wear should also generate the Japanese currency on demand, if you so wish.”
…Sweet. I’m beginning to like you gentlemen from above.
There was a repetition of all the rules he’s read before, an automatic key to the car and a set of identifications to be used in the human world.
Heaven was organised. At least, they get a budget big enough to cater for all these scholarships.
[1 hour later]
Ueda Tatsuya didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. The car was great, his body pretty much drove itself and the air conditioning didn’t smell funny. However, being stuck in the middle of a rush-hour human traffic jam was hardly a good way to spend one’s first day on Earth. His GPS predicted that it would take him exactly 3 hours and 46 minutes to get home, and since he no longer was able to judge the little machine, he had to believe it.
So far, being on earth had one upside: there was peace and quiet in his car. True, there was honking and yelling as road-raged drivers outside, but Tatsuya was able to zone, out, let his body drive and listen to the pop music on the radio without being interfered by the noise of everyone’s thoughts. In hell, all angels could read the thoughts of everyone who didn’t want to hide theirs on purpose, resulting in a scrambled mess of thoughts flooding Tatsuya’s brain every time he saw others. Hell did try to campaign for less thought traffic through habitual hiding but to be quite honest, the spell was a pain to execute all day and nobody bothered. Being stripped of mind-reading has turned out to be a blessing in disguise.
The silence was about to end.
After the initial upside, a barrage of downsides came with it. For instance, restriction of magic use mean that when the weather suddenly turned nasty, Tatsuya was powerless against the torrential rain that fell only minutes after he began enjoying his peace of mind. As his windscreen wipers were forced into overdrive, Tatsuya finally began to despise the traffic jam.
That was why, when his best friend (GPS) told him in an automated voice that there was a detour at the next left corner, he floored the accelerator and shot into a side street, engine roaring in happiness.
[5 nanoseconds later]
He considered suing Aston Martin. He really did.
Why had the bloody car manufacturer not put a sensor on the front of the car?
Just as he turned the corner, Ueda crashed the Aston Martin headfirst into an unsuspecting pedestrian who happened to be crossing the road, sending the man flying 5 metres down the wet road in a tumble of dripping books and body.
FUCK. He cursed for the nth time that day.
As the man slowly began to pick himself up off the asphalt, Ueda wound down the driver’s seat window and turned on his headlights. “Hey you, still alive? Your books are all wet so if you don’t pick them up, they might go soggy.”
His victim looked into the headlights like a rabbit and flashed the brightest smile Ueda had ever seen in his 550-year-old life. “Yeah I’m okay! Sorry for running into the road like this and making you worry about my books! But can you turn your headlights on low beam? My eyes hurt a bit.”
Wow did I run into an absolute blockhead? Ueda gasped inwardly, who reacts like THIS when they’ve been hit by a car? Sore eyes?!
“Dude are you sure you’re okay?” he shouted out of his window, “I don’t wanna get wet but are you sure?”
“Oh,” the drenched imbecilic lank smiled again, “thank you for worrying but I’m really okay-
“I’m NOT worried!” Why would I be worried about someone I don’t even know and who has no use to me?! Humans make me sick!
Ueda’s body executed a brilliant three-point turn in the narrow side-street and proceeded to drive away, leaving the man he just hit standing in a downpour. As he slowed to indicate a turn, his body checked the rear view mirror only to find that the idiot had already collapsed onto the ground.
Oh my god humans are SUCH pathetic things! He groaned inwardly, serves him right for lying to me about being okay….. But still, maybe it would be nice to help- NO NO NO Tatsuya that would be falling into Heaven’s conspiracy to brainwash you to a white-wing!!!! To rescue or not to rescue, that is the question. To drive away and be sane or take responsibility for reckless driving and drive this oaf to hospital?
A rather loud beeping tone interrupted Tatsuya’s internal struggle. It turned out to be a text message on his cellphone. ‘Do not, in any way, land yourself in a prison institution as it is strictly against the rules’, it read.
Oh great, I knew that one. They’re watching me from a portal! But wait, if it’s against the rules, hell might take me back if the guy sues me for a hit and run? YES. Tatsuya you GENIUS.
Just as his foot was about to press the accelerator, another message came. ‘…or your time on earth shall be lengthened to accommodate your prison sentence, plus 10 percent more sand for you hourglass pendant necklace.’
………No. Bloody. Mother. Fucking. Way.
Tatsuya wasted no time in speeding to rescue his victim. From, of course, the goodness of his heart.
“GET IN THE CAR NOW!!!” he shook the half-dead man by the collar, “You HAVE to let me rescue you!!” Or I have to spend more time in this world!! Noooooo!!!!!
“I’m…. fine….”
A vein popped up on Tatsuya’s forehead. If there was one thing he despised more than the average dim-witted human, it was an above-averagely dim-witted one who didn’t follow his orders.
Without another word, he slung the man over his shoulders, opened the boot of the car and packed the groaning guy inside.
Slam.
“Perfect,” Tatsuya flexed his arm muscles and hopped dandily back in his car, quite pleased with himself as he lighted the ignition, “if he dies, all good. If he survives, I’ll just sweet-talk him, release him back into the wild and nobody will be the wiser. No prison time for meeeee…”
[3 hours and 56 minutes later]
The lanky guy in the boot managed to survive just under 4 hours of travel. Even Tatsuya was impressed as he opened the hatch in his garage that the guy was still coughing and spluttering.
“Can you walk by yourself or do I have to carry you?” he prodded the man’s ribs, “You’re soggy and you smell like damp socks so I’m going to take it as a yes. Come one, out you get!”
It was the first time he’d taken a good look at his piece of road-kill. Under the harsh LED lighting in Ueda’s (Ueda’s body’s) garage, the man in the boot seemed paler. He was tall, slender, and had very delicate features. One would probably call him good-looking, even by angel standards. Hair sticking to his forehead in a mess of rainwater, he groaned in pain a few times before opening his eyes.
And Lord were those orbs shiny.
“…Where am I?” the idiotic thing rubbed his head, “Who are you?”
The world is pretty fair to these humans… He has the looks, but his IQ is about the equivalent of a sandfly.
“I ran you over in town about 4 hours ago and threw you in the back of my car,” Ueda replied with full seriousness, “and now I’m going to rape you, kill you and dispose of your body in mailed packages to your family.”
To his chagrin, the victim of his joke started sobbing. “…Why would you do this to me?!” the man was already a mess of tears, “Please don’t send my body back to my parents… They’ll cry… waaah!!! Get me out of here!!! I start university tomorrow and I don’t want to die yet!!! Can’t you ransom me or something- WOOAAAHH-
In an attempt to crawl out of the car, the lanky bastard fell on top of his supposed ‘rapist’.
“Okay just shut the fuck up!!” Ueda facepalmed, “Don’t you understand humour?! I’m kidding!! Now get your sorry ass into the living room and I’ll find you a towel!!! Jesus what have I picked up off the road… ”
I should have just reversed over his corpse and lived with my time in prison. This guy is so irritating!
Awkward glances passed from one end of Ueda’s living room to the other. For the second time in one day, the hell angel found himself thanking heaven. This time for providing him with a body that lived the high life (the house is ridiculously huge) and thus had a large enough living room for him and the soggy dummy to sit on separate couches. Every time their eyes met, both would immediately look away.
“Look,” Ueda broke the icy silence, “I’m not going to do anything to you. I’m sorry for running you over and since you’re not dead, I’d be happy to let you crash here tonight. Now, stay put and I’ll go get you some dry clothes before you ruin all the upholstery in my house.” He felt like he was giving instructions to a dog that understood Japanese.
The idiot flashed yet another trademark 1000-watt smile. “Thank you for rescuing me!”
“I ran you over to begin with.”
“I know. But you saved me.”
“I threw you in my car boot to suffocate.”
“Yet I’m alive.”
“This conversation is getting nowhere.”
“I’m cold. When are you going to get me clothes?”
“AAARRGGHH!!!!” Ueda stormed in the general direction his body led him, possibly up to the bedroom.
I can’t do this!! I can’t keep him in my sight for any longer!! His smile is too bright!! He’s too forgiving!! He makes me feel bad about myself!!! He’s making me feel like the crap I learnt in Moral class actually has uses!!! He’s turning me into a perfect little white-wing!!!
Slamming the bedroom door, the angel rushed to the ensuite bathroom and grabbed the nearest showerhead he saw. Turning it on cold, he drenched his head of coppery hair and shook it like a wet animal. “This can’t be happening… Please don’t tell me the theories I learnt about humans in class are true and not all humans are like this guy…”
Fuck. Now I’m praying. What is this idiot doing to me?!
After an hour-long shower, Ueda felt sufficiently better about himself and his future to blow-dry his hair. He was about to blow-dry his wings too, then quickly realized he no longer had any.
Well, he stared at the figure in the mirror, at least I still look the same as I used to. Not missing any muscle tone, hair quality or skin moisture. I wonder how that imbecile is doing?
Still, he took the time to dress himself nicely, rummaging through the closet until he found an outfit that did not look horrendous. His body had heinous fashion sense.
A total of 2 hours had passed since Ueda had left the lank in the living room, and by the time he returned with a towel, he was greeted by the sound of heavy breathing.
Wow. I should just let him catch pneumonia and die. How dare he go to sleep after I told him to wait for me?
“Hey, wake up,” the angel pushed the other man’s shoulder, only to have him fall over on the couch and continue his slumber. “What have I done to deserve this?” he muttered under his breath as he begrudgingly began to dry the idiot’s fine brown hair.
Your brain’s not wired right but they’ve done a good job with your physical body haven’t they? Not many humans are born to look this nice you know? Or maybe you’re too dense to even notice that? Why did I have to run into you the first night I’m here? All angels believe in destiny - it’s a truth to us… Who are you? Why am I so confused? Normally I would have killed anyone half as annoying as you are… You have nice eyelashes….
[The next morning]
Ueda Tatsuya was brought into his second day on Earth with a chorus of ear-splitting screeching that was the idiot’s ringtone. *read: his first encounter with J-Pop*
Half-awake and very very pissed off, the angel groped blindly towards the source of the noise and upon finding the offending phone, threw it with all his might onto its owner’s stomach.
“OOWWW!!!” the other man complained, “Who would want to ring me this early in the morning?” he flipped open his phone. “Oh. Hi mom…. Yeah I think I missed it… long story… I’ll survive… gotta go love you!!”
“That’s it?” Ueda gaped, “This hideous song woke me up at god knows how early in the morning just so you could blab nonsense to your mother?! Why did I even rescue you…”
The idiot looked thoroughly confused. “But I’m supposed to be getting up this early. I’ve got school starting from today.”
His blank face explained a lot.
“…You… expect me to take you to school?” Ueda’s left eye began to twitch, “… Don’t you?”
“Uh huh. That is, if you don’t mind.”
HALLELUJAH BLESS ALL MANKIND I FINALLY CAN GET RID OF THIS PEST!!!!!
“Fine, whatever,” Ueda put on a poker face to hide his overwhelming sense of joy, “where do you go to school baka?”
“My name’s not baka,” the baka pouted, “it’s Taguchi Junnosuke and I go to Tokyo University. You can call me Junno.” Digging through his slightly damp pockets (Ueda did nothing but dry his hair and fall on top of him the night before), he produced a wallet and a plastic student ID. “Nice to meet you.”
Ueda’s eyes widened to an impossible size and made a mad dash to his car.
This can’t be… it HAS to be my imagination… yes. I’m paranoid.
Panting, he returned with the manila folder from Gabriel and tipped its contents to the floor unceremoniously. Sifting through the mess of paper, he finally laid eyes on HIS student ID for the second time.
Aside from photos and personal details, it was, in every way identical to the one Junno held out.
“Wow!” the ‘Junno’ laughed and held up both their IDs together, “Does that mean we’re gonna be classmates?! This HAS to be destiny!! So COOL!!! Since you’re starting school today too, you can really take me along!!! Ne ne ne, when should we set off?”
Ueda wasn’t even listening. He now had a scientific conclusion that he would publish as soon as he got back to the other realms.
Proven Fact: Hell on Earth is no urban legend. It is very, terrifyingly real. And if you fail to kill it with an Aston Martin, there was no way out.
A.N. First chappie!!!!!!!! HOW WAS IT?!?! *begs for comments*