Not even Beethoven can fix this
I...need to vent. A lot. I can't believe that bad stuff keeps happening to my family. It's like the past TWO YEARS have been a nightmare and I keep trying to wake up from it, but I can't. It won't ever end, it won't go away, IT WON'T STOP. People I love keep having horrible things happen to them. They are sick. They are dying. Many have actually died.
I normally try to see the best in life. I try to find the blessings that I have around me everyday. I really do. And in many ways, I am a very lucky girl. I have parents who love me, a roof over my head, good friends, decent health, a job in today's economy, some measure of intelligence, and I'm not hideously deformed. One would think that this would mean I have it quite good. Well, I do. BUT...it seems like every time I turn around, some new catastrophe has erupted and cast all of that nice stuff into this pitch colored shadow. I've lost a lot of people: my grandmother, my nana, my grandfather, many aunts and uncles, cousins, very, very dear friends, and now my other grandfather might leave us too, if he can't keep fighting like he has been.
He was admitted to St Anne's hospital today with double pneumonia. The man beat PANCREATIC CANCER. He would have been dead by now if he had not decided to fight and to go for his operation. He's been getting chemotherapy and radiation AT THE SAME TIME. Sometimes, even getting just ONE of those treatments is HELL. He is getting BOTH. One of the side effects is water in the lungs. This is what happened to him. It got worse, and he went to the emergency room. They told him that HALF OF HIS LUNG HAD COLLAPSED. You know what they did?!?!?!?! They gave him antibiotics and SENT HIM HOME. Seriously, what the fuck! WHO DOES THAT?!
He got better on Sunday, and then just...ever since then, he's been in this downward spiral. Now, he has double pneumonia, and the infection has spread into his blood. The doctors say if he doesn't get much better in the next 24 hours, it is only a matter of time. He currently has a 50/50 chance. I don't like it. Not one bit.
I should have known though, that things have been to good lately. I mean, we were supposed to go to NEW ORLEANS on Tuesday. I've only been wanting to go there MY WHOLE LIFE. I'm going to NYC in a couple weeks. I'm going to see Billy Joel this summer. My grandpa beat his cancer. Our other friend who was grievously ill is ok for now at least. I don't know why I EVER expected this streak of good luck to keep going. Of course I can't go to New Orleans. That would be a dream come true, and that's just not in the cards for me. Of course I have to be threatened with the imminent loss of my grandpa, just when I finally felt like I had one again these last few years (they have been mostly distant for my life so far). I don't know why I ever thought we could even make it three months without our world crashing down around us. It was foolish to think we had made it. I'm not so sure I'll ever make the mistake of being so hopeful again. It's that bad. Really.
I've had Beethoven going all day. I don't even have the heart to really listen. If he were here to see the extremely pathetic depression I've sunk into, he would kick my ass and revoke my worshiping privileges.