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Over the last few months, while enduring a reconstruction of myself, I've been sleeping and entering REM sleep with no trouble. I've surmised that it's a result of maintaining positivity consistently and being happy--with myself, my life, my efforts, everything.
I've had a recurring dream, rather, I've been having dreams (infrequently) of a place that feels like a sanctuary. I believe the setting is Brooklyn or Queens, and it's a residential house of a successful American (of Indian descent [dots, not feathers ]) family consisting of 2 parents and 3 young female children. The dynamics of their details have grown with each dream they're in (I learn more about them?), such as them having pets where previously I didn't remember pets.
The situation is very interesting. So this family somehow "accepted" me as a welcome guest in their home (I can't remember how I met them)--the kind of guest that is like another member of the family. I come and go as I please, my manners are always appreciated but always regarded as unnecessary, we talk about things that may be personal in nature without any social barriers, etc. They're also, while ethnically very Indian and even can be culturally, very non intrusive with their ways (they almost seem "Americanized") in that they've educated themselves on American culture and in fact live that more than their ethnic culture. The times I've seen them "behave Indian (don't know how else to put it)" were always when hosting events for other ethnic Indians (relatives, friends who aren't very American in culture), otherwise they're just generic people and really unidentifiable (in that you can't say "oh they're Indian because they cook curry" or something like that, because they don't really eat curry). Anyway, I only mention that because I've never experienced ethnic people (3rd world at least) in my life that weren't cultural in some way all the time, in my life.
I'm constantly observing myself feeling unable to repay them for their hospitality and love, and am always trying to express to them with words my graciousness. That's a personality trait, as I tend to be passionate about "the little things" and really make an effort to let people know when I appreciate being treated well by them (breaking bread with people is very meaningful to me, for example). Then, I end up accidentally breaking dishes or doing some random little things sometimes that could lead me to "lose my welcome", and just get reassured that I've not worn it. Perhaps because I've lost touch with my abandonment issues in real life, somewhere in my mind it still exists, even if only in a small way, a concern of loving and being loved and "messing that up". I find that interesting, as part of my reconstruction was getting rid of abandonment issues entirely (that was probably the most challenging). I've considered it a "self check" of my mind, to see if I've truly rid myself of those abandonment concerns, based on my emotions and reactions to when I accidentally break dishes while washing them for the family, for example. A way to observe if I feel panic or anxiety at the possibility of losing my new dream sanctuary. To be honest, I can only recall two occasions where something has happened that would jeopardize my relationship with the family, and both were negligible (like a glass slipping out of my hand while doing the dishes, for example), and I've dreamed of the family about 12 times if I recall correctly.
The most recent dream, my older brother was there with me, as I've also been (in life) communicating with him more and actually having some kind of relationship with him in the past months. What's fascinating about that is that I did not feel shame having him there. He was also a previous disconnection in the hopes of "purifying myself" of negative people. He and I were, in fact, having a good time in the dream. The latest upgrade to the family was that they now had pets--at least 3 dogs, a chimpanzee, and a human that looked like an orangutan (without body hair, just the color of his skin and his physical attributes). In the recent dream, those pets dominated the dream because they were all over me, me being a new person to them. It was excessive as well, but I wasn't bothered, annoyed, or angered by any of it. They even nibbled on me or did other things that could be unpleasant, however I didn't mind, I was all smiles :) However, they began to annoy my older brother, and something happened which I can't remember that caused me great anguish. He did something, and I clearly remember feeling pain, anguish, shame, as I felt his behavior was a reflection of me, since I'm the one with ties to him. I raged, grabbed a knife (long time ago I stabbed him, and I'm sure my mind still remembers that self defensive instinct against him) and pointed it at him. He didn't waver, and the knife changed to a butter knife. The thought of even causing him harm, he who was responsible for my anguish, made me feel nauseous and sad. I threw the knife into a sink and lunged at him, grabbing him by the throat. Mind you, my older brother is bigger than me. He's very muscular, and has a considerable weight advantage over me (especially since I've lost a ton of weight during the last few months), but I've always been able to outgun him on sheer willpower. I was yelling at him, and I recall asking him, with anguished shouting, why he must always "shit on that which I hold so dear". My face was wet, and I remember lifting him off the ground and throwing him out of the house, cursing at him for being who he was and disrespecting or harming those that I love.
I woke up at that point, my words to him still echoing in my mind. My face was wet, I must have been weeping in my sleep. The dream lasted about 3 hours.
Now anytime in the past I've extended myself to him with an offer of peace, he's always graciously accepted, but managed to do or say something or express his personality in some way to undermine the attempts. That's always left me feeling disappointed, that I let myself get drawn into creating a connection with him, and he "shit all over me". In the past few months it hasn't been that way. He's still who he is, and he still thinks and feels the way he does, and there are things about him that I don't agree with, but he doesn't make me feel shame or disappointed. I embrace him as he is, and the rest just doesn't phase me. The dream saddened me, to see that anguish and anger, to feel it.
My father's birthday was yesterday. I have been texting back and forth with my older brother for him to drive up from Jersey so we can cut a cake for my father (who's diabetic lol) and wish him a happy birthday together. I've already wished him happy birthday, but I felt it was important to do just another 'little thing' with my older brother together. We'd arranged to get him a cake today (since before the dream) and I've been looking forward to it, without any concerns or hesitation about my older brother.
So while I cannot explain the reasons for the dream turning out the way it did, I've considered it an exercise, a test of my mind. Maybe I'm performing self diagnostics to ensure the sincereness of my reconstruction. It definitely makes the most sense.
I've had a recurring dream, rather, I've been having dreams (infrequently) of a place that feels like a sanctuary. I believe the setting is Brooklyn or Queens, and it's a residential house of a successful American (of Indian descent [dots, not feathers ]) family consisting of 2 parents and 3 young female children. The dynamics of their details have grown with each dream they're in (I learn more about them?), such as them having pets where previously I didn't remember pets.
The situation is very interesting. So this family somehow "accepted" me as a welcome guest in their home (I can't remember how I met them)--the kind of guest that is like another member of the family. I come and go as I please, my manners are always appreciated but always regarded as unnecessary, we talk about things that may be personal in nature without any social barriers, etc. They're also, while ethnically very Indian and even can be culturally, very non intrusive with their ways (they almost seem "Americanized") in that they've educated themselves on American culture and in fact live that more than their ethnic culture. The times I've seen them "behave Indian (don't know how else to put it)" were always when hosting events for other ethnic Indians (relatives, friends who aren't very American in culture), otherwise they're just generic people and really unidentifiable (in that you can't say "oh they're Indian because they cook curry" or something like that, because they don't really eat curry). Anyway, I only mention that because I've never experienced ethnic people (3rd world at least) in my life that weren't cultural in some way all the time, in my life.
I'm constantly observing myself feeling unable to repay them for their hospitality and love, and am always trying to express to them with words my graciousness. That's a personality trait, as I tend to be passionate about "the little things" and really make an effort to let people know when I appreciate being treated well by them (breaking bread with people is very meaningful to me, for example). Then, I end up accidentally breaking dishes or doing some random little things sometimes that could lead me to "lose my welcome", and just get reassured that I've not worn it. Perhaps because I've lost touch with my abandonment issues in real life, somewhere in my mind it still exists, even if only in a small way, a concern of loving and being loved and "messing that up". I find that interesting, as part of my reconstruction was getting rid of abandonment issues entirely (that was probably the most challenging). I've considered it a "self check" of my mind, to see if I've truly rid myself of those abandonment concerns, based on my emotions and reactions to when I accidentally break dishes while washing them for the family, for example. A way to observe if I feel panic or anxiety at the possibility of losing my new dream sanctuary. To be honest, I can only recall two occasions where something has happened that would jeopardize my relationship with the family, and both were negligible (like a glass slipping out of my hand while doing the dishes, for example), and I've dreamed of the family about 12 times if I recall correctly.
The most recent dream, my older brother was there with me, as I've also been (in life) communicating with him more and actually having some kind of relationship with him in the past months. What's fascinating about that is that I did not feel shame having him there. He was also a previous disconnection in the hopes of "purifying myself" of negative people. He and I were, in fact, having a good time in the dream. The latest upgrade to the family was that they now had pets--at least 3 dogs, a chimpanzee, and a human that looked like an orangutan (without body hair, just the color of his skin and his physical attributes). In the recent dream, those pets dominated the dream because they were all over me, me being a new person to them. It was excessive as well, but I wasn't bothered, annoyed, or angered by any of it. They even nibbled on me or did other things that could be unpleasant, however I didn't mind, I was all smiles :) However, they began to annoy my older brother, and something happened which I can't remember that caused me great anguish. He did something, and I clearly remember feeling pain, anguish, shame, as I felt his behavior was a reflection of me, since I'm the one with ties to him. I raged, grabbed a knife (long time ago I stabbed him, and I'm sure my mind still remembers that self defensive instinct against him) and pointed it at him. He didn't waver, and the knife changed to a butter knife. The thought of even causing him harm, he who was responsible for my anguish, made me feel nauseous and sad. I threw the knife into a sink and lunged at him, grabbing him by the throat. Mind you, my older brother is bigger than me. He's very muscular, and has a considerable weight advantage over me (especially since I've lost a ton of weight during the last few months), but I've always been able to outgun him on sheer willpower. I was yelling at him, and I recall asking him, with anguished shouting, why he must always "shit on that which I hold so dear". My face was wet, and I remember lifting him off the ground and throwing him out of the house, cursing at him for being who he was and disrespecting or harming those that I love.
I woke up at that point, my words to him still echoing in my mind. My face was wet, I must have been weeping in my sleep. The dream lasted about 3 hours.
Now anytime in the past I've extended myself to him with an offer of peace, he's always graciously accepted, but managed to do or say something or express his personality in some way to undermine the attempts. That's always left me feeling disappointed, that I let myself get drawn into creating a connection with him, and he "shit all over me". In the past few months it hasn't been that way. He's still who he is, and he still thinks and feels the way he does, and there are things about him that I don't agree with, but he doesn't make me feel shame or disappointed. I embrace him as he is, and the rest just doesn't phase me. The dream saddened me, to see that anguish and anger, to feel it.
My father's birthday was yesterday. I have been texting back and forth with my older brother for him to drive up from Jersey so we can cut a cake for my father (who's diabetic lol) and wish him a happy birthday together. I've already wished him happy birthday, but I felt it was important to do just another 'little thing' with my older brother together. We'd arranged to get him a cake today (since before the dream) and I've been looking forward to it, without any concerns or hesitation about my older brother.
So while I cannot explain the reasons for the dream turning out the way it did, I've considered it an exercise, a test of my mind. Maybe I'm performing self diagnostics to ensure the sincereness of my reconstruction. It definitely makes the most sense.