I'm sorry Saf, I didn't mean to upset you. And you can tell me to fuck off, that's okay. I don't feel like I really understand you, I didn't mean it offensively that I didn't know if the pen thing was your 'shit'. I did mean that I just don't know. I can't tell what is what.
I see things pretty one-sided, regarding friends. If they aren't as I can cope with them then I find it hard to continue without being destructive and I wanted to avoid doing that.
To me, that you had only just noticed I had deleted you was proof in a sense that you don't care. In my head it's how it works. I have not spoken to you in any other context like I have other people. And though it's not like not knowing where I stand, totally, it is a bit like that, because I find it hard to maintain peace in my head. Therefore I just conclude that you don't care.
I know you've had shit going on. I don't feel neglected and it's not a way of saying I'm angry that I've not heard from you. It is just a decision I have made to make things easier to cope with in my head. It's easier for me to just let go than to stay and feel resentful towards you, which I do, and want to cause drama and end up looking stupid for it. Which is what I would've done in the past.
I thought that we could have been friends, like proper friends. Because spending time with you, especially in Bristol made me feel normal and I enjoyed it very much. But then lately things dwindle and I do feel like I don't matter, though I follow your life in a sense from a distance.
I don't really know what I am saying or why! And feel a bit daft.... but I don't see it as discarding you, I just see it as damage limitation really. We haven't had much contact, which is more difficult for me than having none. I am guessing maybe that is different for you, in which case I am not sure what to say or do.
The only real expectations I have of my friends is that I have contact with them and we have some sort of understanding of how things work. I don't understand the commodity bit or being fickle, nothing has changed in my head, I assume that's just how it seems from your perspective for it to make sense.
I am glad that you are working so hard at recovery. And I think you are probably best off without me anyway.
And about the difficulty talking - I maintain contact with people in spite of that, I find a way, and I hope that people I care about know that or at least have some idea from my presense wherever it is, and that's totally different to a complete lack of contact in my eyes.
I want to talk about this at some point if that's OK because I really don't think I can just let you go because it's easier for you. I called you fickle because my perception was that you had been able to let me go easily, as if I was replaceable, I don't know.
I know you're using the fact that I didn't notice as proof but that's really unfair. I was preparing to go on holiday which was really stressful, then I was away for two weeks, then I got back on the Saturday night, unpacked Sunday and went shopping and have been at uni or school every day for the past two weeks. You've posted less since being at Main House and I thought you hadn't posted for a couple of weeks, I didn't manage to go back over journals and read what I missed while away. It was only by chance that I looked at my profile carefully, I generally rely on posts appearing on my friends list. I don't know why I'm justifying myself, you might still find that insufficient. I guess it feels like you were trying to test me and in doing that you created a situation that supported your belief that I didn't care.
My side of things is essentially that I have really struggled to adapt from a real life relationship with you to an internet based one. Although I feel we had some valuable conversations while you were in Main House and it feels like you're discounting them. If you could explain to me what is needed from me in order to make you feel cared for then maybe I wouldn't get it wrong. One day we might be closer and it'll be easier to have real contact. I'm possibly moving to Reading in a few months and you've spoken about moving South as well. I'm taking my driving test at the end of October. Maybe you need to put this on hold until we can have a live friendship again? I just don't want this to be forever.
I see things pretty one-sided, regarding friends.
If they aren't as I can cope with them then I find it hard to continue without being destructive and I wanted to avoid doing that.
To me, that you had only just noticed I had deleted you was proof in a sense that you don't care. In my head it's how it works. I have not spoken to you in any other context like I have other people. And though it's not like not knowing where I stand, totally, it is a bit like that, because I find it hard to maintain peace in my head. Therefore I just conclude that you don't care.
I know you've had shit going on.
I don't feel neglected and it's not a way of saying I'm angry that I've not heard from you. It is just a decision I have made to make things easier to cope with in my head. It's easier for me to just let go than to stay and feel resentful towards you, which I do, and want to cause drama and end up looking stupid for it. Which is what I would've done in the past.
I thought that we could have been friends, like proper friends. Because spending time with you, especially in Bristol made me feel normal and I enjoyed it very much. But then lately things dwindle and I do feel like I don't matter, though I follow your life in a sense from a distance.
I don't really know what I am saying or why! And feel a bit daft....
but I don't see it as discarding you, I just see it as damage limitation really. We haven't had much contact, which is more difficult for me than having none. I am guessing maybe that is different for you, in which case I am not sure what to say or do.
The only real expectations I have of my friends is that I have contact with them and we have some sort of understanding of how things work. I don't understand the commodity bit or being fickle, nothing has changed in my head, I assume that's just how it seems from your perspective for it to make sense.
I am glad that you are working so hard at recovery.
And I think you are probably best off without me anyway.
And about the difficulty talking - I maintain contact with people in spite of that, I find a way, and I hope that people I care about know that or at least have some idea from my presense wherever it is, and that's totally different to a complete lack of contact in my eyes.
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I know you're using the fact that I didn't notice as proof but that's really unfair. I was preparing to go on holiday which was really stressful, then I was away for two weeks, then I got back on the Saturday night, unpacked Sunday and went shopping and have been at uni or school every day for the past two weeks. You've posted less since being at Main House and I thought you hadn't posted for a couple of weeks, I didn't manage to go back over journals and read what I missed while away. It was only by chance that I looked at my profile carefully, I generally rely on posts appearing on my friends list. I don't know why I'm justifying myself, you might still find that insufficient. I guess it feels like you were trying to test me and in doing that you created a situation that supported your belief that I didn't care.
My side of things is essentially that I have really struggled to adapt from a real life relationship with you to an internet based one. Although I feel we had some valuable conversations while you were in Main House and it feels like you're discounting them. If you could explain to me what is needed from me in order to make you feel cared for then maybe I wouldn't get it wrong. One day we might be closer and it'll be easier to have real contact. I'm possibly moving to Reading in a few months and you've spoken about moving South as well. I'm taking my driving test at the end of October. Maybe you need to put this on hold until we can have a live friendship again? I just don't want this to be forever.
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