(no subject)
c.h. has been around since December. around but unstable though kind. he's cleaning himself up - literally and figuratively. he's been around five months and i've been keeping him at arms length since our first couple encounters. we slept together sunday night. Monday I invite my mother to join me for coffee at powell's after work. that's where I run into j.a., whom I'd forgotten works there monday nights. We exchange small talk - one or two sentances each - before I leave. He hasn't responded to text messages in the last two weeks and I suspect he has no intention of doing so, so I'm surprised to receive a message later that night: "it was nice to see you."
"you too. wasn't sure if you wanted to see me, though."
"I like you, I just think you need a vacation from me."
I'm confused as to whether I'm angry - who are you to make that decision for me? what makes you think you're so important that you so affect my wellbeing? - or maybe he's right? I do attach, cling, depend. Maybe I'm only angry because I do still wish things had worked out differently. Or I'm angry at myself for hoping that they still might.
On the way out of Powells I headed to Whole Foods to buy some dinner and validate parking. who should I run into at the store other than g.a., whom I haven't seen since he left me for an inanimate object last August (his guitar). we made small talk, laughed, smiled a lot, and then I pretended I cared about finding something to buy to leave.
15 minutes later as I was digging through my bag for my keys after checkout, g.a. 'pssts' at me from where he'd been waiting for me. he invites me over to sit with him. we talk, he flirts, I smile, not sure how much time I want to waste but enjoying myself nonetheless. he walks me to my car. tension, lots of laughing, smiling, weird silences, loaded glances at the keys and brushes of arms. he touches my hair. "i'm flirting you know." we hug - a good, close, strong embrace, and I say "well, you have my number."
no, he doesn't. we both know he doesn't. he's stuck.
awkward silence.
waffling between getting in my car, giving him my number, taking his...
"I don't know...if I'm supposed to...ask...for your number now" he says, honestly but by saying so admitting that he's not willing to risk the rejection.
"well you remember where I live, then."
more waffling.
He kisses me. We kiss. Close, intense, in a humid parking garage under whole foods, not knowing if he'll be getting my number, not knowing if i'd rather just take my chance to blow him off, not knowing if we will ever even see each other again.
slowly lips unlocking, eyes still closed, my face drops forward a little as I reslt my forehead, pressing it, against his nose, mouth, chin. what next.
He can't, wont' promise me anything. he still has his lists of goals. music is still his priority. (I'm not.)
I'm worth more than that. "I'm going to leave now. I hope I see you again some time."
"...in public...?"
I nod, hesitate a moment again, glancing at his eyes, his lips, still feeling his fingertips lingering on my hips.
"You had your chance."
Our eyes lock one more time while we both acknowledge the truth - the mature, somber, yet real truth - of that statement.
Between validating the ticket and leaving the garage I'd ended up with $5.00 parking fees. I drive home.
Two hours later I hear a clatter on my fire escape. he's managed to bus his way out to my apartment to leave a bottle of wine with a note outside my window, of 'invitation to enjoy each others company." However he didn't make it down the fire escape before the bottle toppled and I caught him. We talked, joked, played cards, listened to music, for a couple hours.
The sex was much better than I remember.
wonder if I'll ever see him again.
"you too. wasn't sure if you wanted to see me, though."
"I like you, I just think you need a vacation from me."
I'm confused as to whether I'm angry - who are you to make that decision for me? what makes you think you're so important that you so affect my wellbeing? - or maybe he's right? I do attach, cling, depend. Maybe I'm only angry because I do still wish things had worked out differently. Or I'm angry at myself for hoping that they still might.
On the way out of Powells I headed to Whole Foods to buy some dinner and validate parking. who should I run into at the store other than g.a., whom I haven't seen since he left me for an inanimate object last August (his guitar). we made small talk, laughed, smiled a lot, and then I pretended I cared about finding something to buy to leave.
15 minutes later as I was digging through my bag for my keys after checkout, g.a. 'pssts' at me from where he'd been waiting for me. he invites me over to sit with him. we talk, he flirts, I smile, not sure how much time I want to waste but enjoying myself nonetheless. he walks me to my car. tension, lots of laughing, smiling, weird silences, loaded glances at the keys and brushes of arms. he touches my hair. "i'm flirting you know." we hug - a good, close, strong embrace, and I say "well, you have my number."
no, he doesn't. we both know he doesn't. he's stuck.
awkward silence.
waffling between getting in my car, giving him my number, taking his...
"I don't know...if I'm supposed to...ask...for your number now" he says, honestly but by saying so admitting that he's not willing to risk the rejection.
"well you remember where I live, then."
more waffling.
He kisses me. We kiss. Close, intense, in a humid parking garage under whole foods, not knowing if he'll be getting my number, not knowing if i'd rather just take my chance to blow him off, not knowing if we will ever even see each other again.
slowly lips unlocking, eyes still closed, my face drops forward a little as I reslt my forehead, pressing it, against his nose, mouth, chin. what next.
He can't, wont' promise me anything. he still has his lists of goals. music is still his priority. (I'm not.)
I'm worth more than that. "I'm going to leave now. I hope I see you again some time."
"...in public...?"
I nod, hesitate a moment again, glancing at his eyes, his lips, still feeling his fingertips lingering on my hips.
"You had your chance."
Our eyes lock one more time while we both acknowledge the truth - the mature, somber, yet real truth - of that statement.
Between validating the ticket and leaving the garage I'd ended up with $5.00 parking fees. I drive home.
Two hours later I hear a clatter on my fire escape. he's managed to bus his way out to my apartment to leave a bottle of wine with a note outside my window, of 'invitation to enjoy each others company." However he didn't make it down the fire escape before the bottle toppled and I caught him. We talked, joked, played cards, listened to music, for a couple hours.
The sex was much better than I remember.
wonder if I'll ever see him again.