Going Left Around the World: Chapter 75
Title: Going Left Around the World
Author: mrs-spamlad
Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Rating: R
Feedback: have at it!
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
A/N: Well, here we are: the finale. It’s longer than most chapters - hopefully no complaints on that.
I’m not quite sure what to say here - thank you doesn’t seem adequate. You all have stayed with this story for literally YEARS while I plodded through it, with long gaps in posts, and at last here we all are. We made it. Thank you for sticking with these guys, with me, for nudging me when I needed it, and for being generous, kind, and above all, honest with your comments.
I’ve made friends in this fandom who I know I will know for the rest of my life. I’ve lost friends here who I thought I would know the rest of my life, but I guess that just how things go sometimes. I’m thankful for the ones who are still with me, and I miss the ones who have gone other ways. Maybe, if nothing else, they might read this and know that.
I don’t know if this is the end of my writing in the fandom, although I know it’s very quiet now. The story I was co-writing with my lovely wife Camilla, The Golden Boy, remains unfinished, and I am not one to leave things unfinished. It’s close to the end too. She is no longer writing, but I think I could do it justice and bring it to a conclusion. We shall see. Maybe it’s been forgotten.
Thank you to the ends of the earth to shieldmaid1 for her feedback and support on this story. You made it better, your comments made me smile, and I’m so happy we connected over writing. Thank you also to Judy for her beta work on this story - she did a tremendous amount of work on this story as well and I’m so grateful.
I guess that’s it, folks. Please note the link at the end of this chapter that will take you on to the epilogue. I hope you enjoy the chapter/epilogue, and that I did the guys justice after the long road they’ve been on.
Happy reading,
jill
Chapter 75
I dragged myself into work the next day against my better judgement, since I was still stewing over the way the weekend had ended and what I was going to do about it. But I did have a couple deadlines hanging over my head and I didn’t think an ex-boyfriend crisis would fly as a reason for missing them. So I was there, sitting behind my desk, physically present but my mind about a million miles away. I stared at the report I’d started on my screen and re-read the same paragraph again.
“The goal of the survey was to identify any potential properties in the Albany area eligible for inclusion on the Albany Historic Register. The assigned committee conducted three separate field studies along with research to determine….”
I groaned and swiveled my chair away from the screen. Of course it said Albany. Twice.
“Except we’re not in fucking Albany!” I yelled and kicked the trashcan sitting by the wall. I dropped my elbows onto my desk and my head into my hands. I tried taking some deep breaths, then there was a knock on my door.
“What?” I snapped.
Chloe opened the door and peeked her head in. “Everything all right in here?”
“Fine.”
“Uh-huh.” She stepped inside and shut the door behind her, then crossed over to her chair and sat down.
I looked up at her. “Usually ‘fine’ means ‘no assistance needed’,” I said.
She gave me a bland look. “Yeah. And usually the people who say it don’t look like they should be on a 72-hour psych hold.”
“Shut up,” I groaned.
“Seriously, Jack. I’ve seen you almost daily for the past three years and I’ve never seen you come in unshaven, un-ironed, un-coifed,” - she gestured at my hair - “and just generally unhinged. What the hell is going on? Did your weekend with your ex- go badly?”
I sighed. “Not all of it. It just ended badly. Horribly.”
“What happened?”
“Mateo,” I said, of all the dumbass things.
Her eyebrows drew together. “What’s a mateo?”
“He’s not a ‘what,’ he’s a ‘who’. He’s one of Ennis’s exes, and we ran into him while we were out on Sunday.”
She gasped. “And you found out they were back together?”
I jerked my head back. “No.”
“Well, what then?”
“He’s gorgeous and perfect and a massage therapist and… Jesus, he’s even polite!”
“And he hit on you?” she asked.
“What? No! You watch too many soap operas,” I said, leaning back in my chair.
“I’m sorry,” she said, planting her hands on her hips. “But when I hear ‘fuck!’ and banging furniture and you look like the walking dead, I’m kind of expecting soap opera. So what the hell’s the problem?”
“I don’t even know. I was already getting freaked out about how well things seemed to be going, and how different he was, and then we ran into his superhuman ex and I couldn’t deal. I lost it and I just bailed.”
“You left?” she asked, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah. I mean, we kind of had a fight, yelled some.”
“And then you left?”
“Yes.”
“And you haven’t talked since?”
“Nope.”
“Christ,” she muttered.
“What?”
“Grow up is what!” she said. “I’ll tell you what the problem is: You’re. Scared.” She spoke slowly and leaned forward so I’d be sure to follow along. “You mean it wasn’t super easy figuring out how to have a grownup relationship with another person in the first 48 hours? Guess what? It’s never easy! And then you got jealous and your ego took a hit, so you used that as an excuse to leave. God! That’s just immature and that’s on you, my friend.”
“Hey! I don’t need you to come in here and gang up on me. I already feel like shit about it,” I said.
“And maybe that should tell you something,” she said. She stood up, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and marched out of my office, letting the door bang shut behind her.
“What the hell?” I whispered. It felt like the Jack Fan Club was rapidly dwindling. Maybe I did need a seat in Time Out.
I went out for coffee to clear my head, and when I got back I threw myself into my work for the rest of the afternoon. The gods of focus were on my side because I actually managed to get a lot done. I was the last one to leave the office which was just as well. I wasn’t up for another conversation with Chloe.
Despite the cold-ass fall temperatures, I got home, put on my Under Armour and went for a long run to blank out my mind and dodge any possible incoming phone calls. When I got back I saw I hadn’t missed anything - not a single call - and I felt a hint of disappointment. I didn’t expect Ennis to call, not really. I was the one who’d lit out of there, so it made sense it was on me to make a call or send an email or do something to fix it. I had kind of thought Josh might call and, as much as I had said I didn’t want to talk about what happened with Ennis, I needed to. Josh was my primary sounding board, but it was pretty late at that point. I sighed and headed for the shower. I’d left things fucked up this long. Surely another day or two wasn’t going to kill anyone.
The next morning, Chloe was sending out clear cold-shoulder vibes. I knew I could count on her to be professional and get done whatever work we had to collaborate on, but I wasn’t holding my breath for any heart-to-hearts. My cell rang around lunchtime and I was more than a little relieved to see Josh’s name on the caller ID.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hi. How’s things?” he asked.
“Could be better,” I said.
“You don’t say,” he said, his voice tinged with sarcasm.
“Yeah. So, what can I do for you?”
“You can meet me for dinner.”
“On a Tuesday? Is David out of town or something?” I asked.
“No, he’s here. I explained it was an intervention so he’s cool with it.”
“Fuck you and your ‘intervention’!”
Josh laughed. “Okay. It’s not an intervention. But we need to talk. Scratch that - you need to figure this shit out. I thought in person might be better.”
I rubbed a hand over my face. “Yeah, you’re right. Meet halfway?”
“Sounds good. Seven?”
“I’ll be there.”
We met up that night at our usual spot and snagged our regular booth. We made it through a beer and our appetizer before Josh got down to business.
“So what’s your status with the Ennis situation?” he asked, planting his elbows on the table.
“My status? How about ‘it’s complicated’?” He shot me a look that I knew well and I leaned back in the booth and blew out a long breath. “Fuck. I don’t know.”
“All right. Well, how do you feel about where things are now? Could you just leave it like this and walk away? Be fine?”
“No! It sucks. I shouldn’t have…. A lot of things. I shouldn’t have freaked out, been jealous, left… probably other stuff I can’t remember. When did our roles get reversed so I’m the one who’s constantly fucking up and he’s doing everything right?”
Josh sipped from the fresh beer the waitress had brought. “He’s not doing everything right. I think the difference is…. Back in the day, when you two were together the first time, you knew what you wanted, right? You were sure?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Well, now he’s the one who’s sure. He knows what he wants. It doesn’t erase the choices he made before, but they were a long time ago. I’m not sure it does anyone any good to hold onto that. You’re different people now.”
I snorted. “I noticed.”
“And this time around, you’re the one who’s floundering. It’s not that you’re constantly fucking up. You’re reacting, not sure what to do with whatever you’re feeling….”
“In short, what Ennis was doing the first time we were together,” I said.
He tapped the center of my forehead. “Gold star. The one big difference, however, is that now you two are adults. And you need to act like it.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Sorry. Truth.”
Our food arrived and we ate in silence for a few minutes while I thought over what he’d just said. After several bites, I set my burger down and said, “So what do I do?”
He shrugged. “What do you want to do?”
“C’mon. Don’t play therapist. Actually be helpful.”
He chuckled. “I’m not trying to be unhelpful. I’m asking you what you want to do. Do you want to see him again?” I nodded. “Do you want to see only him?”
I fidgeted in my seat. “I don’t know. Maybe. I think so.”
Josh nodded and looked me right in the eyes. “Do you love him?”
“Yes,” I said quietly. “Always have.”
He smiled. “Now did you really need me to come down here and kick your ass into talking to the guy?”
I nodded seriously. “Yeah, I did. Being in this position…it’s new to me, man. I don’t know how to fix this.”
“Right,” Josh said. “I forgot you’re not really familiar with having to go after anyone since we just tend to line up for you.”
“Shut up,” I said, and he laughed. “So what now? Do I call him?”
Josh swallowed his food and shrugged. “That’s up to you. Was he pissed?”
“Hmm. Yeah. But I think he would’ve talked too.”
“If you think he needs space, maybe a text or an email just to feel things out. Or you could go for it and call. With a good idea of what you want to say,” he emphasized. “Or show you really mean business and show up there.”
I shook my head. “That may get my ass kicked. I think I’ll start with a text or something. If he blows me off, then I’ll get pushy.”
Josh grinned. “That’s my boy.”
I thought about it for one more day, in between meetings and last-minute tweaks to the reports I had to submit, which didn’t leave a ton of time. Later that evening I came dangerously close to writing out a pros-cons list for email vs. text, but I managed to keep my thoughts in my head. By the time I went to bed, I’d decided: an email from work the next day. It felt like the right amount of distance, or personal space, or whatever, although the knot in my stomach as I climbed into bed nagged at me that I’d already left too much space between us, and that maybe no email or text or call would be enough to reconnect us.
I stalled my way through the next morning, reasoning that he might be busy in meetings or something and I didn’t want to distract him. Around eleven o’clock my cell vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw a text from Josh.
Any luck?
Haven’t sent anything yet. Procrastinating.
Omg. Do it.
I sighed. He was right; I was being an idiot. And the longer I let it sit, the harder it got to explain, even to myself.
Fine, I texted back.
I slid my phone back in my pocket and figured since it was close to lunch time, it was as good a time as any. I opened a new email and clicked on Ennis’s address.
Ennis,
I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry for how things ended last weekend. I’d like to talk about it if you’re willing. Let me know.
Jack
I hit Send before I could rethink or overanalyze a single syllable. Then I cleaned out my inbox while I pretended not to wait for a response. But I didn’t have to wait long. Less than ten minutes later, I saw the new message come in with Ennis’s address and clicked on it.
Jack - got your email. Traveling. Will talk soon. Ennis.
“Shit,” I muttered. I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but it was a little bit more than sentence fragments. On the up side, he did say we’d talk so that was something. Of course he could just want to tell me to call him in another ten years when I’d actually grown up. But at least it was talking.
I did my best to get some work done, all the while my brain tossing around a million questions. Traveling where? Alone? Far? Was he in an airport somewhere when he emailed me back? Where the hell did hospital finance people have to travel to anyway? I knew he’d sent it from his phone by the iPhone signature line at the bottom. I wondered as I worked, my thoughts white noise in the back of my mind, until I was jarred out of my productive zone by a knock on my office door. I glanced at the clock on my desk and saw it was nearly three o’clock.
“Yes?” I called.
Chloe cracked the door and poked her head in, her eyes as big as saucers and her mouth in an “O” shape.
“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong?” I stood up behind my desk.
She shook her head. “Nothing. Just, uh… your three o’clock is here.”
“My three…. I don’t have a three o’clock today,” I said, looking down at my desk calendar.
When I looked up Chloe was gone and I sucked in a sharp breath as I took in the tall, lean figure in the doorway. Ennis.
I stepped out from behind my desk, momentarily stunned into silence as he stepped into my office and shut the door.
“Shit,” I whispered. His mouth quirked up in a half smile. “I thought you were traveling.”
“I was. Here,” he said. I continued to blink at him. “I assume from your invitation to talk that my visit isn’t totally unwelcome,” he added, his tone a question.
“No! No, of course not. Fuck, I’m glad to see you,” I said. I closed the distance between us and wrapped him up in a tight hug. I felt his arms go around me, and I pressed my cheek to his and we just hung there for a few long seconds. I wasn’t sure why he was there so when we broke apart I took a step back. “Come on in. Sit down.”
He nodded and slipped off his coat. I couldn’t bring myself to sit in my office chair and have him on the other side of my desk, so I led him over to the two side-by-side chairs. I sat in one and he dropped his coat over the back and sat in the other. I leaned forward, elbows on my knees.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Seems like we had the same idea. I was just a little further along. I thought we should talk,” he said.
I sighed. “Yes. We should. And I should… apologize. I’m sorry,” I said, meeting his gaze. “I shouldn’t have left the way I did last weekend. And I shouldn’t have thrown that stuff about you leaving for school in your face. It was uncalled for.”
“Thanks,” he said, then sat quietly for a minute in that way he’d always had when he was putting thoughts together. “I do wish you hadn’t left. I wish we could have talked some - and I know how weird that sounds coming from me.” I smiled. “As for the stuff you said - part of you is still pissed. I get it. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand the way my leaving affected you. You can only get so much after the fact, you know?” I nodded.
I took a deep breath. “I don’t think I’ll ever really get what it was like for you to be in the closet, in love with me, and then later when you came out. You made choices I never would have, but they were yours. You were trying to deal. And I wasn’t there for most of it.”
“Right,” he agreed. “And they weren’t always the best choices, I admit. But the way I see it, we now have two options: we can let the past become this living, breathing thing between us that takes up our time and our energy.” I nodded. “Or we can leave it where it belongs: in the past. When it comes up, we’ll need to talk about things, work through stuff, I’m sure. And there’s lots we missed out on, things we need to learn as we go. But I don’t want to be sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the next blow-up, or for ‘you left me’ to always be your trump card.”
I stared at him again. “Wow. I’m not used to speeches from you.”
He gave a shy smile. “Told you I gave presentations.”
“But you’re right. It needs to stay in the past, except when it comes up on its own for whatever reason. You know?”
“Exactly.” He shifted in his seat and glanced at the carpet. “Can I ask a question?”
“Yes.”
“What was the deal with Mateo?”
I groaned and ran a hand through my hair. “Do we have to?” He raised his eyebrows at me and I got up and started to pace. “I don’t know! It freaked me out meeting someone else you’d… been with. And then of all people it had to be him.”
“What does that mean?” Ennis asked.
“Are you kidding? He’s gorgeous! And perfect and tan and polite and a massage therapist so he probably knows all kinds of -” I made wiggling motions with my fingers and Ennis laughed.
“Does it help to know we weren’t together all that long?” he asked.
“No,” I said, coming to rest against the side of my desk. “Because he was all those things for however long it lasted. I know I’m being petty and jealous but I can’t help it.” I shifted my gaze to the floor.
He stood walked toward me. “What if I told you he was incredibly boring?” I glanced up and shrugged. “And that his tan is a spray tan?”
“No way!”
Ennis smiled and nodded as he came to a stop just inches from me. “And that when I kissed him, it didn’t feel anything even remotely like this.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, his warm hand sliding alongside my neck as our lips parted and our tongues brushed over each other. When he pulled back all too soon, he took my hand, brought it up to his chest and held it over his hammering heart.
“Feel that?” he whispered. I nodded. “He never did that to me.” He brought my hand to his lips and brushed a kiss across my knuckles. “You, Jack, were always the one. No one else ever stood a chance.”
“Jesus,” I whispered. I pulled his lips back to mine and lost myself in the feel of his mouth against mine, his hands in my hair, my hands on his ass. We started to get seriously heated so I slowed the kiss and drew back a bit. “Time out,” I said with a laugh.
“Good idea,” he said and took a step back.
I adjusted myself, then wandered over and flopped down in my desk chair. “Well, if I had anything intelligent to say, it’s gone now.” He snickered. “But really, I’m glad you came, and I agree with you. You’ve always been it for me too. But how’s it going to work? I have a job and a house here, and you work and have a house three hours away…. I mean, I guess we could try being long distance, but that didn’t work out so well the last time, you know? I realize we’re older now and we have coping skills and things, but still…. I guess it just freaks me out because of when we were kids. Like once burned, you know?”
I glanced up and saw him watching me with a half smile. “Are you done?”
“Rambling. Sorry.”
He came toward me. “You don’t have to be sorry. But I’d like to say the rest of what I came to say, if that’s all right with you.”
I nodded as he stopped in front of me and then knelt down and took my hand. My heart lurched to an unsafe speed as I took in each of his actions.
“I know there’s still a lot to figure out, but I think we can do it. We haven’t spent a ton of time together, but I’ve been up here, and you’ve been to Albany. Underneath it all, we’re still the same people. And I love you. You’ve got to know that.” I nodded, wide-eyed. “So I wanted to come here and ask if you would -”
“Get up!” I blurted desperately. “Just - Ennis, don’t! Not now. Please? Stand up, okay? Just stand up!” I tugged him to a standing position and he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “I just - I don’t know what to say, and I don’t want to fuck it up, you know? It’s a big deal!”
He furrowed his brow. “It is?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course! Huge!”
He shook his head a little. “Okay. I just thought since we’d spent weekends together before that this weekend wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but if you’re not up for it, that’s all right.”
I froze. “Wait, what? What weekend?”
“I was going to suggest we head up to the Berkshires. I found a nice B & B just across the state line. That way it’s like neutral territory, just you and me, a junior suite and a king size bed…. Jack, what the fuck is going on in your head? You’re as white as a sheet.” He put his hand on my forehead.
I eased myself back down into my chair and exhaled. “A weekend away,” I repeated.
“Yes,” he said nodding.
I sat quietly for a few more seconds and then started to giggle. Like, uncontrollable, pee-your-pants giggle. Ennis just stared at me, bewildered. After a minute or two I collected myself and said, “Oh, my god, you scared the shit out of me!” I wheezed.
“Me! How?” he asked.
“I mean, c’mon,” I said, wiping my eyes. “You’re kneeling in front of me, holding my hand, talking about making it work, and that you love me, and that you have something to ask me….”
His face fell. “Shit. You thought I was proposing.”
I smiled. “I did.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s okay. We’re further along than we were, but I don’t know if we’re there yet,” I said.
Ennis knelt back down in front of my oversized chair and spun me around to face him. “No, probably not.” He took my hand again. “But I’m going to work my ass off to get there. And I’m going to make you a promise.” He scooted up and wedged himself between my legs.
“Really? I don’t think we’ve done that before,” I murmured, nuzzling his cheek with my nose.
“No, we haven’t,” he said. “But here goes: I’m going to marry you, Jack Twist. Someday, when we’re ready, I’m going to put a ring on your finger.” He turned his head and brushed his lips over mine.
“And you know what I promise back?” I whispered.
“Hmm?”
I kissed my way over to his ear. “I’ll think about it.”
He jerked his head back and narrowed his eyes at my smirk. “You’re going to pay for that,” he growled and pinched my side.
I yelped and squirmed in my chair. “Hey! This my place of business. Control yourself.”
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “You don’t make it easy.”
I puckered up and smacked him on the lips, then draped my arms over his shoulders. “So is this weekend already planned?” I asked.
“Well, I’ve got the room on hold. I need to make a couple calls to confirm. I was hoping to leave tomorrow if you can get away, but I left it open until I saw you.”
“I have a few things to wrap up, but I think I can finish today. This place can function without me tomorrow,” I said.
“Yeah?”
“Yep.”
He grinned and pulled me into a hug. “This is good,” he whispered. “Is there someplace here I could make my calls? Shit. I left my laptop in my car,” he muttered.
“I have a better idea,” I said, standing and taking my keys out of my pocket. I worked one key free and held it out to him. “Head over to my house. You can have all the space you want, make your calls, go online, book me an in-room lap dance. I’ll be there in a couple hours.”
He plucked the key from my hand and growled as he slid an arm around my waist. “The only way you’re getting a lap dance is if I give you one.”
I laughed. “I’m going to hold you to that. Do you need the address?”
His cheeks flushed pink and he shook his head. “No. I still remember it from the last time I was here.”
I pulled him in for a quick kiss, then turned him and pointed him toward the door. “Get going and plan my weekend and let me get some work done.”
He smiled as he snagged one more kiss. “See you at home,” he said as he shut my office door behind him.
I stared at the closed door for a few seconds, and shook my head. Against all odds, that night I was going home to Ennis.
Continue Reading: http://mrs-spamlad.livejournal.com/48653.html
Author: mrs-spamlad
Pairing: Jack/Ennis
Rating: R
Feedback: have at it!
Disclaimer: Brokeback Mountain and the original characters of Jack and Ennis were created by and belong to Annie Proulx. No money is being made from this- I’m just taking them out for a spin!
A/N: Well, here we are: the finale. It’s longer than most chapters - hopefully no complaints on that.
I’m not quite sure what to say here - thank you doesn’t seem adequate. You all have stayed with this story for literally YEARS while I plodded through it, with long gaps in posts, and at last here we all are. We made it. Thank you for sticking with these guys, with me, for nudging me when I needed it, and for being generous, kind, and above all, honest with your comments.
I’ve made friends in this fandom who I know I will know for the rest of my life. I’ve lost friends here who I thought I would know the rest of my life, but I guess that just how things go sometimes. I’m thankful for the ones who are still with me, and I miss the ones who have gone other ways. Maybe, if nothing else, they might read this and know that.
I don’t know if this is the end of my writing in the fandom, although I know it’s very quiet now. The story I was co-writing with my lovely wife Camilla, The Golden Boy, remains unfinished, and I am not one to leave things unfinished. It’s close to the end too. She is no longer writing, but I think I could do it justice and bring it to a conclusion. We shall see. Maybe it’s been forgotten.
Thank you to the ends of the earth to shieldmaid1 for her feedback and support on this story. You made it better, your comments made me smile, and I’m so happy we connected over writing. Thank you also to Judy for her beta work on this story - she did a tremendous amount of work on this story as well and I’m so grateful.
I guess that’s it, folks. Please note the link at the end of this chapter that will take you on to the epilogue. I hope you enjoy the chapter/epilogue, and that I did the guys justice after the long road they’ve been on.
Happy reading,
jill
Chapter 75
I dragged myself into work the next day against my better judgement, since I was still stewing over the way the weekend had ended and what I was going to do about it. But I did have a couple deadlines hanging over my head and I didn’t think an ex-boyfriend crisis would fly as a reason for missing them. So I was there, sitting behind my desk, physically present but my mind about a million miles away. I stared at the report I’d started on my screen and re-read the same paragraph again.
“The goal of the survey was to identify any potential properties in the Albany area eligible for inclusion on the Albany Historic Register. The assigned committee conducted three separate field studies along with research to determine….”
I groaned and swiveled my chair away from the screen. Of course it said Albany. Twice.
“Except we’re not in fucking Albany!” I yelled and kicked the trashcan sitting by the wall. I dropped my elbows onto my desk and my head into my hands. I tried taking some deep breaths, then there was a knock on my door.
“What?” I snapped.
Chloe opened the door and peeked her head in. “Everything all right in here?”
“Fine.”
“Uh-huh.” She stepped inside and shut the door behind her, then crossed over to her chair and sat down.
I looked up at her. “Usually ‘fine’ means ‘no assistance needed’,” I said.
She gave me a bland look. “Yeah. And usually the people who say it don’t look like they should be on a 72-hour psych hold.”
“Shut up,” I groaned.
“Seriously, Jack. I’ve seen you almost daily for the past three years and I’ve never seen you come in unshaven, un-ironed, un-coifed,” - she gestured at my hair - “and just generally unhinged. What the hell is going on? Did your weekend with your ex- go badly?”
I sighed. “Not all of it. It just ended badly. Horribly.”
“What happened?”
“Mateo,” I said, of all the dumbass things.
Her eyebrows drew together. “What’s a mateo?”
“He’s not a ‘what,’ he’s a ‘who’. He’s one of Ennis’s exes, and we ran into him while we were out on Sunday.”
She gasped. “And you found out they were back together?”
I jerked my head back. “No.”
“Well, what then?”
“He’s gorgeous and perfect and a massage therapist and… Jesus, he’s even polite!”
“And he hit on you?” she asked.
“What? No! You watch too many soap operas,” I said, leaning back in my chair.
“I’m sorry,” she said, planting her hands on her hips. “But when I hear ‘fuck!’ and banging furniture and you look like the walking dead, I’m kind of expecting soap opera. So what the hell’s the problem?”
“I don’t even know. I was already getting freaked out about how well things seemed to be going, and how different he was, and then we ran into his superhuman ex and I couldn’t deal. I lost it and I just bailed.”
“You left?” she asked, eyebrows raised.
“Yeah. I mean, we kind of had a fight, yelled some.”
“And then you left?”
“Yes.”
“And you haven’t talked since?”
“Nope.”
“Christ,” she muttered.
“What?”
“Grow up is what!” she said. “I’ll tell you what the problem is: You’re. Scared.” She spoke slowly and leaned forward so I’d be sure to follow along. “You mean it wasn’t super easy figuring out how to have a grownup relationship with another person in the first 48 hours? Guess what? It’s never easy! And then you got jealous and your ego took a hit, so you used that as an excuse to leave. God! That’s just immature and that’s on you, my friend.”
“Hey! I don’t need you to come in here and gang up on me. I already feel like shit about it,” I said.
“And maybe that should tell you something,” she said. She stood up, tucked a strand of hair behind her ear, and marched out of my office, letting the door bang shut behind her.
“What the hell?” I whispered. It felt like the Jack Fan Club was rapidly dwindling. Maybe I did need a seat in Time Out.
I went out for coffee to clear my head, and when I got back I threw myself into my work for the rest of the afternoon. The gods of focus were on my side because I actually managed to get a lot done. I was the last one to leave the office which was just as well. I wasn’t up for another conversation with Chloe.
Despite the cold-ass fall temperatures, I got home, put on my Under Armour and went for a long run to blank out my mind and dodge any possible incoming phone calls. When I got back I saw I hadn’t missed anything - not a single call - and I felt a hint of disappointment. I didn’t expect Ennis to call, not really. I was the one who’d lit out of there, so it made sense it was on me to make a call or send an email or do something to fix it. I had kind of thought Josh might call and, as much as I had said I didn’t want to talk about what happened with Ennis, I needed to. Josh was my primary sounding board, but it was pretty late at that point. I sighed and headed for the shower. I’d left things fucked up this long. Surely another day or two wasn’t going to kill anyone.
The next morning, Chloe was sending out clear cold-shoulder vibes. I knew I could count on her to be professional and get done whatever work we had to collaborate on, but I wasn’t holding my breath for any heart-to-hearts. My cell rang around lunchtime and I was more than a little relieved to see Josh’s name on the caller ID.
“Hey,” I said.
“Hi. How’s things?” he asked.
“Could be better,” I said.
“You don’t say,” he said, his voice tinged with sarcasm.
“Yeah. So, what can I do for you?”
“You can meet me for dinner.”
“On a Tuesday? Is David out of town or something?” I asked.
“No, he’s here. I explained it was an intervention so he’s cool with it.”
“Fuck you and your ‘intervention’!”
Josh laughed. “Okay. It’s not an intervention. But we need to talk. Scratch that - you need to figure this shit out. I thought in person might be better.”
I rubbed a hand over my face. “Yeah, you’re right. Meet halfway?”
“Sounds good. Seven?”
“I’ll be there.”
We met up that night at our usual spot and snagged our regular booth. We made it through a beer and our appetizer before Josh got down to business.
“So what’s your status with the Ennis situation?” he asked, planting his elbows on the table.
“My status? How about ‘it’s complicated’?” He shot me a look that I knew well and I leaned back in the booth and blew out a long breath. “Fuck. I don’t know.”
“All right. Well, how do you feel about where things are now? Could you just leave it like this and walk away? Be fine?”
“No! It sucks. I shouldn’t have…. A lot of things. I shouldn’t have freaked out, been jealous, left… probably other stuff I can’t remember. When did our roles get reversed so I’m the one who’s constantly fucking up and he’s doing everything right?”
Josh sipped from the fresh beer the waitress had brought. “He’s not doing everything right. I think the difference is…. Back in the day, when you two were together the first time, you knew what you wanted, right? You were sure?”
I nodded. “Yes.”
“Well, now he’s the one who’s sure. He knows what he wants. It doesn’t erase the choices he made before, but they were a long time ago. I’m not sure it does anyone any good to hold onto that. You’re different people now.”
I snorted. “I noticed.”
“And this time around, you’re the one who’s floundering. It’s not that you’re constantly fucking up. You’re reacting, not sure what to do with whatever you’re feeling….”
“In short, what Ennis was doing the first time we were together,” I said.
He tapped the center of my forehead. “Gold star. The one big difference, however, is that now you two are adults. And you need to act like it.” I narrowed my eyes at him. “Sorry. Truth.”
Our food arrived and we ate in silence for a few minutes while I thought over what he’d just said. After several bites, I set my burger down and said, “So what do I do?”
He shrugged. “What do you want to do?”
“C’mon. Don’t play therapist. Actually be helpful.”
He chuckled. “I’m not trying to be unhelpful. I’m asking you what you want to do. Do you want to see him again?” I nodded. “Do you want to see only him?”
I fidgeted in my seat. “I don’t know. Maybe. I think so.”
Josh nodded and looked me right in the eyes. “Do you love him?”
“Yes,” I said quietly. “Always have.”
He smiled. “Now did you really need me to come down here and kick your ass into talking to the guy?”
I nodded seriously. “Yeah, I did. Being in this position…it’s new to me, man. I don’t know how to fix this.”
“Right,” Josh said. “I forgot you’re not really familiar with having to go after anyone since we just tend to line up for you.”
“Shut up,” I said, and he laughed. “So what now? Do I call him?”
Josh swallowed his food and shrugged. “That’s up to you. Was he pissed?”
“Hmm. Yeah. But I think he would’ve talked too.”
“If you think he needs space, maybe a text or an email just to feel things out. Or you could go for it and call. With a good idea of what you want to say,” he emphasized. “Or show you really mean business and show up there.”
I shook my head. “That may get my ass kicked. I think I’ll start with a text or something. If he blows me off, then I’ll get pushy.”
Josh grinned. “That’s my boy.”
I thought about it for one more day, in between meetings and last-minute tweaks to the reports I had to submit, which didn’t leave a ton of time. Later that evening I came dangerously close to writing out a pros-cons list for email vs. text, but I managed to keep my thoughts in my head. By the time I went to bed, I’d decided: an email from work the next day. It felt like the right amount of distance, or personal space, or whatever, although the knot in my stomach as I climbed into bed nagged at me that I’d already left too much space between us, and that maybe no email or text or call would be enough to reconnect us.
I stalled my way through the next morning, reasoning that he might be busy in meetings or something and I didn’t want to distract him. Around eleven o’clock my cell vibrated in my pocket. I pulled it out and saw a text from Josh.
Any luck?
Haven’t sent anything yet. Procrastinating.
Omg. Do it.
I sighed. He was right; I was being an idiot. And the longer I let it sit, the harder it got to explain, even to myself.
Fine, I texted back.
I slid my phone back in my pocket and figured since it was close to lunch time, it was as good a time as any. I opened a new email and clicked on Ennis’s address.
Ennis,
I hope you’re doing well. I’m sorry for how things ended last weekend. I’d like to talk about it if you’re willing. Let me know.
Jack
I hit Send before I could rethink or overanalyze a single syllable. Then I cleaned out my inbox while I pretended not to wait for a response. But I didn’t have to wait long. Less than ten minutes later, I saw the new message come in with Ennis’s address and clicked on it.
Jack - got your email. Traveling. Will talk soon. Ennis.
“Shit,” I muttered. I don’t know what I’d been expecting, but it was a little bit more than sentence fragments. On the up side, he did say we’d talk so that was something. Of course he could just want to tell me to call him in another ten years when I’d actually grown up. But at least it was talking.
I did my best to get some work done, all the while my brain tossing around a million questions. Traveling where? Alone? Far? Was he in an airport somewhere when he emailed me back? Where the hell did hospital finance people have to travel to anyway? I knew he’d sent it from his phone by the iPhone signature line at the bottom. I wondered as I worked, my thoughts white noise in the back of my mind, until I was jarred out of my productive zone by a knock on my office door. I glanced at the clock on my desk and saw it was nearly three o’clock.
“Yes?” I called.
Chloe cracked the door and poked her head in, her eyes as big as saucers and her mouth in an “O” shape.
“What?” I asked. “What’s wrong?” I stood up behind my desk.
She shook her head. “Nothing. Just, uh… your three o’clock is here.”
“My three…. I don’t have a three o’clock today,” I said, looking down at my desk calendar.
When I looked up Chloe was gone and I sucked in a sharp breath as I took in the tall, lean figure in the doorway. Ennis.
I stepped out from behind my desk, momentarily stunned into silence as he stepped into my office and shut the door.
“Shit,” I whispered. His mouth quirked up in a half smile. “I thought you were traveling.”
“I was. Here,” he said. I continued to blink at him. “I assume from your invitation to talk that my visit isn’t totally unwelcome,” he added, his tone a question.
“No! No, of course not. Fuck, I’m glad to see you,” I said. I closed the distance between us and wrapped him up in a tight hug. I felt his arms go around me, and I pressed my cheek to his and we just hung there for a few long seconds. I wasn’t sure why he was there so when we broke apart I took a step back. “Come on in. Sit down.”
He nodded and slipped off his coat. I couldn’t bring myself to sit in my office chair and have him on the other side of my desk, so I led him over to the two side-by-side chairs. I sat in one and he dropped his coat over the back and sat in the other. I leaned forward, elbows on my knees.
“What are you doing here?” I asked.
“Seems like we had the same idea. I was just a little further along. I thought we should talk,” he said.
I sighed. “Yes. We should. And I should… apologize. I’m sorry,” I said, meeting his gaze. “I shouldn’t have left the way I did last weekend. And I shouldn’t have thrown that stuff about you leaving for school in your face. It was uncalled for.”
“Thanks,” he said, then sat quietly for a minute in that way he’d always had when he was putting thoughts together. “I do wish you hadn’t left. I wish we could have talked some - and I know how weird that sounds coming from me.” I smiled. “As for the stuff you said - part of you is still pissed. I get it. I don’t think I’ll ever fully understand the way my leaving affected you. You can only get so much after the fact, you know?” I nodded.
I took a deep breath. “I don’t think I’ll ever really get what it was like for you to be in the closet, in love with me, and then later when you came out. You made choices I never would have, but they were yours. You were trying to deal. And I wasn’t there for most of it.”
“Right,” he agreed. “And they weren’t always the best choices, I admit. But the way I see it, we now have two options: we can let the past become this living, breathing thing between us that takes up our time and our energy.” I nodded. “Or we can leave it where it belongs: in the past. When it comes up, we’ll need to talk about things, work through stuff, I’m sure. And there’s lots we missed out on, things we need to learn as we go. But I don’t want to be sitting on the edge of my seat waiting for the next blow-up, or for ‘you left me’ to always be your trump card.”
I stared at him again. “Wow. I’m not used to speeches from you.”
He gave a shy smile. “Told you I gave presentations.”
“But you’re right. It needs to stay in the past, except when it comes up on its own for whatever reason. You know?”
“Exactly.” He shifted in his seat and glanced at the carpet. “Can I ask a question?”
“Yes.”
“What was the deal with Mateo?”
I groaned and ran a hand through my hair. “Do we have to?” He raised his eyebrows at me and I got up and started to pace. “I don’t know! It freaked me out meeting someone else you’d… been with. And then of all people it had to be him.”
“What does that mean?” Ennis asked.
“Are you kidding? He’s gorgeous! And perfect and tan and polite and a massage therapist so he probably knows all kinds of -” I made wiggling motions with my fingers and Ennis laughed.
“Does it help to know we weren’t together all that long?” he asked.
“No,” I said, coming to rest against the side of my desk. “Because he was all those things for however long it lasted. I know I’m being petty and jealous but I can’t help it.” I shifted my gaze to the floor.
He stood walked toward me. “What if I told you he was incredibly boring?” I glanced up and shrugged. “And that his tan is a spray tan?”
“No way!”
Ennis smiled and nodded as he came to a stop just inches from me. “And that when I kissed him, it didn’t feel anything even remotely like this.” He leaned in and pressed his lips to mine, his warm hand sliding alongside my neck as our lips parted and our tongues brushed over each other. When he pulled back all too soon, he took my hand, brought it up to his chest and held it over his hammering heart.
“Feel that?” he whispered. I nodded. “He never did that to me.” He brought my hand to his lips and brushed a kiss across my knuckles. “You, Jack, were always the one. No one else ever stood a chance.”
“Jesus,” I whispered. I pulled his lips back to mine and lost myself in the feel of his mouth against mine, his hands in my hair, my hands on his ass. We started to get seriously heated so I slowed the kiss and drew back a bit. “Time out,” I said with a laugh.
“Good idea,” he said and took a step back.
I adjusted myself, then wandered over and flopped down in my desk chair. “Well, if I had anything intelligent to say, it’s gone now.” He snickered. “But really, I’m glad you came, and I agree with you. You’ve always been it for me too. But how’s it going to work? I have a job and a house here, and you work and have a house three hours away…. I mean, I guess we could try being long distance, but that didn’t work out so well the last time, you know? I realize we’re older now and we have coping skills and things, but still…. I guess it just freaks me out because of when we were kids. Like once burned, you know?”
I glanced up and saw him watching me with a half smile. “Are you done?”
“Rambling. Sorry.”
He came toward me. “You don’t have to be sorry. But I’d like to say the rest of what I came to say, if that’s all right with you.”
I nodded as he stopped in front of me and then knelt down and took my hand. My heart lurched to an unsafe speed as I took in each of his actions.
“I know there’s still a lot to figure out, but I think we can do it. We haven’t spent a ton of time together, but I’ve been up here, and you’ve been to Albany. Underneath it all, we’re still the same people. And I love you. You’ve got to know that.” I nodded, wide-eyed. “So I wanted to come here and ask if you would -”
“Get up!” I blurted desperately. “Just - Ennis, don’t! Not now. Please? Stand up, okay? Just stand up!” I tugged him to a standing position and he looked at me like I’d lost my mind. “I just - I don’t know what to say, and I don’t want to fuck it up, you know? It’s a big deal!”
He furrowed his brow. “It is?”
I rolled my eyes. “Of course! Huge!”
He shook his head a little. “Okay. I just thought since we’d spent weekends together before that this weekend wouldn’t be that big of a deal, but if you’re not up for it, that’s all right.”
I froze. “Wait, what? What weekend?”
“I was going to suggest we head up to the Berkshires. I found a nice B & B just across the state line. That way it’s like neutral territory, just you and me, a junior suite and a king size bed…. Jack, what the fuck is going on in your head? You’re as white as a sheet.” He put his hand on my forehead.
I eased myself back down into my chair and exhaled. “A weekend away,” I repeated.
“Yes,” he said nodding.
I sat quietly for a few more seconds and then started to giggle. Like, uncontrollable, pee-your-pants giggle. Ennis just stared at me, bewildered. After a minute or two I collected myself and said, “Oh, my god, you scared the shit out of me!” I wheezed.
“Me! How?” he asked.
“I mean, c’mon,” I said, wiping my eyes. “You’re kneeling in front of me, holding my hand, talking about making it work, and that you love me, and that you have something to ask me….”
His face fell. “Shit. You thought I was proposing.”
I smiled. “I did.”
“I’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking.”
“It’s okay. We’re further along than we were, but I don’t know if we’re there yet,” I said.
Ennis knelt back down in front of my oversized chair and spun me around to face him. “No, probably not.” He took my hand again. “But I’m going to work my ass off to get there. And I’m going to make you a promise.” He scooted up and wedged himself between my legs.
“Really? I don’t think we’ve done that before,” I murmured, nuzzling his cheek with my nose.
“No, we haven’t,” he said. “But here goes: I’m going to marry you, Jack Twist. Someday, when we’re ready, I’m going to put a ring on your finger.” He turned his head and brushed his lips over mine.
“And you know what I promise back?” I whispered.
“Hmm?”
I kissed my way over to his ear. “I’ll think about it.”
He jerked his head back and narrowed his eyes at my smirk. “You’re going to pay for that,” he growled and pinched my side.
I yelped and squirmed in my chair. “Hey! This my place of business. Control yourself.”
He sighed and ran a hand through his hair. “You don’t make it easy.”
I puckered up and smacked him on the lips, then draped my arms over his shoulders. “So is this weekend already planned?” I asked.
“Well, I’ve got the room on hold. I need to make a couple calls to confirm. I was hoping to leave tomorrow if you can get away, but I left it open until I saw you.”
“I have a few things to wrap up, but I think I can finish today. This place can function without me tomorrow,” I said.
“Yeah?”
“Yep.”
He grinned and pulled me into a hug. “This is good,” he whispered. “Is there someplace here I could make my calls? Shit. I left my laptop in my car,” he muttered.
“I have a better idea,” I said, standing and taking my keys out of my pocket. I worked one key free and held it out to him. “Head over to my house. You can have all the space you want, make your calls, go online, book me an in-room lap dance. I’ll be there in a couple hours.”
He plucked the key from my hand and growled as he slid an arm around my waist. “The only way you’re getting a lap dance is if I give you one.”
I laughed. “I’m going to hold you to that. Do you need the address?”
His cheeks flushed pink and he shook his head. “No. I still remember it from the last time I was here.”
I pulled him in for a quick kiss, then turned him and pointed him toward the door. “Get going and plan my weekend and let me get some work done.”
He smiled as he snagged one more kiss. “See you at home,” he said as he shut my office door behind him.
I stared at the closed door for a few seconds, and shook my head. Against all odds, that night I was going home to Ennis.
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