(no subject)
FUCK EVERYONE... sometimes.
I realize that family is important. They're behind me, when no one else is. I know I would regret wasting time, when I'm able to have that time now. I know it's sometimes better to overlook things, and pretend that it's not as bad as it seems. In fact, this technique has been apart of my family ever since I can remember. There's a difference between being *hopeful* and being *blind*. If you can imagine it ;), I was a total shithead as a kid. I was stubborn. Incredibly selfish. Incredibly hateful. But mostly, I was kind of depressed. And sometimes, I feel that my family never understood that. Nor do they understand ME today. Imagine how hard it is, to have my own ethics, my own morals, my own goals/ambitions, and not be supported by the only people who have always stood behind me. I'm in college, and apparently thats good enough for them. I believe in God, but my heart is saying I can worship/love/experience my religion anywhere, should I choose. That doesn't make me a bad person, and no matter how often you try to preach to me, if that going to change. I know I'm trying to be a good person. I don't need someone to tell me I'm not trying hard enough. I don't need to feel guilty when I'm trying to live my own life. I shouldn't even have to pay YOUR debts, but I am. I should need feel obligated to attend to you. I am appreciative of you. I am thankful of you. I love you. But I am still selfish, I guess. I might even come across as hateful. But now, its because I'm trying hard and youre not making it easy. Its because you give me no credit, when I feel I deserve a little. I'm not looking for a thank you or anything.. but I am looking to you for acknowledgment. I don't really know how that will ever happen, and I'm sad that I can't see it... but I am still waiting.
I realize that family is important. They're behind me, when no one else is. I know I would regret wasting time, when I'm able to have that time now. I know it's sometimes better to overlook things, and pretend that it's not as bad as it seems. In fact, this technique has been apart of my family ever since I can remember. There's a difference between being *hopeful* and being *blind*. If you can imagine it ;), I was a total shithead as a kid. I was stubborn. Incredibly selfish. Incredibly hateful. But mostly, I was kind of depressed. And sometimes, I feel that my family never understood that. Nor do they understand ME today. Imagine how hard it is, to have my own ethics, my own morals, my own goals/ambitions, and not be supported by the only people who have always stood behind me. I'm in college, and apparently thats good enough for them. I believe in God, but my heart is saying I can worship/love/experience my religion anywhere, should I choose. That doesn't make me a bad person, and no matter how often you try to preach to me, if that going to change. I know I'm trying to be a good person. I don't need someone to tell me I'm not trying hard enough. I don't need to feel guilty when I'm trying to live my own life. I shouldn't even have to pay YOUR debts, but I am. I should need feel obligated to attend to you. I am appreciative of you. I am thankful of you. I love you. But I am still selfish, I guess. I might even come across as hateful. But now, its because I'm trying hard and youre not making it easy. Its because you give me no credit, when I feel I deserve a little. I'm not looking for a thank you or anything.. but I am looking to you for acknowledgment. I don't really know how that will ever happen, and I'm sad that I can't see it... but I am still waiting.