i want to draw you a floorplan of my head and heart
so, brian is visiting this weekend. i'm not sure what's going to happen. we're not back together, and we may never get back together, but he's visiting this weekend. i really thought he would cancel until he told me he bought the tickets, and even now i think to myself that amtrak has a refund policy. in the meantime, things are weird between us and everything seems fake even though i'm trying really, really hard. i laugh a lot, and keep up the banter, and ask questions about his life and sympathetically listen to him complain about random shit. it doesn't really seem to make a difference. it's like things are just too damaged. he told me he hooked up with someone and i tried not to be upset but i was, and then he got exasperated.
but it's okay because i am actually getting gradually more and more okay with it. i don't like ripping off bandaids, this way is much better.
i can't bring myself to do any work, it's really horrible. and i need to bring my GPA up this semester. i feel like i'm just using all this crap as an excuse, like, oh i can't concentrate, poor me, i need to chain smoke and lie under trees and watch grey's anatomy and take four hour long naps and not study for my first test or write my first big paper. i am dumb. of course i'm in the library right now and updating livejournal and obsessively checking my email.
but it's okay because i am actually getting gradually more and more okay with it. i don't like ripping off bandaids, this way is much better.
i can't bring myself to do any work, it's really horrible. and i need to bring my GPA up this semester. i feel like i'm just using all this crap as an excuse, like, oh i can't concentrate, poor me, i need to chain smoke and lie under trees and watch grey's anatomy and take four hour long naps and not study for my first test or write my first big paper. i am dumb. of course i'm in the library right now and updating livejournal and obsessively checking my email.