Suicide...again...
It is amazing sometimes to think about how fast your mood can change from happy/content/supportive to suicidal in a matter of a weekend. I don't know when I snapped, but I look at comments that I put on this thing last week, and my attitude toward life and friends and everything were completely different...in an optimistic way.
The truth is, I haven't thought about suicide in a long time, long being a few months. I didn't start thinking about it again until Sunday night, when my friends wouldn't let me drive home because I was too drunk to drive. Maybe I can pass it off on the tequila, or maybe it was a lot of bottled up emotions, but I snapped at everyone that was around me, and got to the point where I was telling people that I would find a way to kill myself no matter what. Does this mean that I should stop talking to Austin again? I know the answer is yes, but it's still hard for a closet hopeless romantic to force himself to realize the truth.
Is my mood change due to Austin? Or is it something else? Is it something more deeply rooted that I haven't dealt with? I know that I'm not happy with who I am right now, but I don't know how I go about changing for the better, back to the way I want to be. Montgomery doesn't help either, because everyone from here knows that Montgomery knows how to make anyone feel like a loser. And I do right now, I feel like I am one of the people who just whines about everything and doesn't do anything to make it better. Arg...where is the line that separates depending on friends and dwelling on something for too long? Do I just try and work it out on my own or do I talk to one of my friends until my sad feelings go away? I guess it's a hard line to draw, and I'm not used to having to deal with this so abruptly.
Talking to people does help, though. I had to talk to 4 people last night to make myself feel better, but was it because I felt suicidal again, or was it because I just wanted attention? Would I have done it last night if I hadn't talked to anyone last night? Should I start going down my list of friends, calling a new one every night? Or is that counterproductive, making me dwell on the situation for longer? I suppose I'm more afraid of losing my friends than being a bitch about this.
I could keep writing, but I feel ok now, and I don't want to give away all of my secrets. hmmm...
The truth is, I haven't thought about suicide in a long time, long being a few months. I didn't start thinking about it again until Sunday night, when my friends wouldn't let me drive home because I was too drunk to drive. Maybe I can pass it off on the tequila, or maybe it was a lot of bottled up emotions, but I snapped at everyone that was around me, and got to the point where I was telling people that I would find a way to kill myself no matter what. Does this mean that I should stop talking to Austin again? I know the answer is yes, but it's still hard for a closet hopeless romantic to force himself to realize the truth.
Is my mood change due to Austin? Or is it something else? Is it something more deeply rooted that I haven't dealt with? I know that I'm not happy with who I am right now, but I don't know how I go about changing for the better, back to the way I want to be. Montgomery doesn't help either, because everyone from here knows that Montgomery knows how to make anyone feel like a loser. And I do right now, I feel like I am one of the people who just whines about everything and doesn't do anything to make it better. Arg...where is the line that separates depending on friends and dwelling on something for too long? Do I just try and work it out on my own or do I talk to one of my friends until my sad feelings go away? I guess it's a hard line to draw, and I'm not used to having to deal with this so abruptly.
Talking to people does help, though. I had to talk to 4 people last night to make myself feel better, but was it because I felt suicidal again, or was it because I just wanted attention? Would I have done it last night if I hadn't talked to anyone last night? Should I start going down my list of friends, calling a new one every night? Or is that counterproductive, making me dwell on the situation for longer? I suppose I'm more afraid of losing my friends than being a bitch about this.
I could keep writing, but I feel ok now, and I don't want to give away all of my secrets. hmmm...