no subject
so.... started taking some tribulus supplement to bolster my mood. seems to be helping mildly. however the swirling torrent of past faces continue to bombard my dreams, my thoughts, and the like, at random intervals, seemingly out of nowhere. perhaps these shades are just manifestations of hormone spikes. much more likely is that i really just cannot forget about this shit.
if it isn't roxanne, its abby, or leigh, or ally, or ayla, fuck whoever it is, doesn't matter. why can't i forget. now i am working all the time, and as i predicted so many years ago, life just slowly crumbles and i fade away, another passing whisper. you feel trapped within a prison of your own expectations of the world around you, and you can't foresee any hope that things will be better than they are because you can only trust in what you know to be right.
it makes me think of the past... as if that's unusual for me. heh. back in those days, i couldn't give two shits about the next day, let alone a week from then. now i am starting to see weeks, even months slip through my fingers, lost in time. i could feel myself get swept up in the emotion of each and every moment, and i could have sworn the flow of existence crept slowly. i think back to the past days, when i used to be friends with adam, and me and him would trade rude remarks, but always on some level sharpening our friendship and intellectual curiosity. i think of an early jose, where we had such dreams about what we could accomplish. i think back to being 8 years old, sitting on the living room carpet and looking out of the side window, and thinking i would find a way to live forever at all costs, no matter what.
a most paralyzing set of realities grips you, ages you, and instills in you the fear of your own life. as everything is assigned more value, and you have less and less time to yourself, you are supposed to drone by and be grateful, be thankful for our bounty. that we are so fortunate. that.... decisions should be obvious to one of a higher plane of reasoning, yet one can only stand on the sidelines of consciousness and observe one's own futile pondering.
if it isn't roxanne, its abby, or leigh, or ally, or ayla, fuck whoever it is, doesn't matter. why can't i forget. now i am working all the time, and as i predicted so many years ago, life just slowly crumbles and i fade away, another passing whisper. you feel trapped within a prison of your own expectations of the world around you, and you can't foresee any hope that things will be better than they are because you can only trust in what you know to be right.
it makes me think of the past... as if that's unusual for me. heh. back in those days, i couldn't give two shits about the next day, let alone a week from then. now i am starting to see weeks, even months slip through my fingers, lost in time. i could feel myself get swept up in the emotion of each and every moment, and i could have sworn the flow of existence crept slowly. i think back to the past days, when i used to be friends with adam, and me and him would trade rude remarks, but always on some level sharpening our friendship and intellectual curiosity. i think of an early jose, where we had such dreams about what we could accomplish. i think back to being 8 years old, sitting on the living room carpet and looking out of the side window, and thinking i would find a way to live forever at all costs, no matter what.
a most paralyzing set of realities grips you, ages you, and instills in you the fear of your own life. as everything is assigned more value, and you have less and less time to yourself, you are supposed to drone by and be grateful, be thankful for our bounty. that we are so fortunate. that.... decisions should be obvious to one of a higher plane of reasoning, yet one can only stand on the sidelines of consciousness and observe one's own futile pondering.