every day I always seem to be frightened
I came to the conclusion a few weeks ago that I should really start looking for someone to date. But there are so many inner conflicts I have, so many relationship dilemmas I know I will not be able to deal with. But this longing for, really, anyone decent to hold and just know that they are real - seems better and better.
Although, the pitfall I know will inevitably come down to is sex. It always does. I feel ... indifferent about it. Which surprises even me, considering I value having the highest testosterone level possible ... but then again I only value it for its benefits in fitness. The problem with me is that I am so indifferent towards the act that I have rarely had the urge to find companions to practice sex on, because I have this image in my mind that it should be built up, or actually mean something.
But even besides that cliche shit, I really feel more like Dexter from the Showtime Series. I find the act of intercourse to be both satisfying, but ultimately more trouble than it's worth. The fact that it is so important to women drives me mad. What should matter in a logical relationship is the sum of the ability for two to connect on many different levels, but what I tend to see are relationships that are either solidified or destroyed solely on the "sex-life."
If it were up to me, I would probably just go down on a woman I cared deeply about for as long as she liked, then go to sleep and pleasure myself later. I find the act of satisfying a woman's sexual appetite by oral sex to be much more enjoyable than penetration. It is much more work on the man's part, when you boil it all down. Plus there are so many obstacles that impede the ultimate goal of pleasure for the man, such as the desensitization of the condom, or the inherent risk of not wearing one. There is the continual pressure to keep the erection, the social stigma of premature ejaculation, or "losing it." All the while, the practice seems to yield only slightly more satisfaction to me than an orgasm from getting a blow-job by a beautiful woman. Maybe it's just me, but I don't see the extra benefit for all that extra pressure and work. I thought sex was supposed to be "fun", not something you need "more practice in".
On the other hand, it really doesn't matter to me if I had sex in a relationship at all. Being alone for so long has made it easy for me to cope with that little problem. Really all that seems to be important to me is the companionship.
I doubt I'll find anyone as interested in fitness as me. I doubt I'll find a sculptor to mold me into a better person.
But I suppose I should start looking.
Although, the pitfall I know will inevitably come down to is sex. It always does. I feel ... indifferent about it. Which surprises even me, considering I value having the highest testosterone level possible ... but then again I only value it for its benefits in fitness. The problem with me is that I am so indifferent towards the act that I have rarely had the urge to find companions to practice sex on, because I have this image in my mind that it should be built up, or actually mean something.
But even besides that cliche shit, I really feel more like Dexter from the Showtime Series. I find the act of intercourse to be both satisfying, but ultimately more trouble than it's worth. The fact that it is so important to women drives me mad. What should matter in a logical relationship is the sum of the ability for two to connect on many different levels, but what I tend to see are relationships that are either solidified or destroyed solely on the "sex-life."
If it were up to me, I would probably just go down on a woman I cared deeply about for as long as she liked, then go to sleep and pleasure myself later. I find the act of satisfying a woman's sexual appetite by oral sex to be much more enjoyable than penetration. It is much more work on the man's part, when you boil it all down. Plus there are so many obstacles that impede the ultimate goal of pleasure for the man, such as the desensitization of the condom, or the inherent risk of not wearing one. There is the continual pressure to keep the erection, the social stigma of premature ejaculation, or "losing it." All the while, the practice seems to yield only slightly more satisfaction to me than an orgasm from getting a blow-job by a beautiful woman. Maybe it's just me, but I don't see the extra benefit for all that extra pressure and work. I thought sex was supposed to be "fun", not something you need "more practice in".
On the other hand, it really doesn't matter to me if I had sex in a relationship at all. Being alone for so long has made it easy for me to cope with that little problem. Really all that seems to be important to me is the companionship.
I doubt I'll find anyone as interested in fitness as me. I doubt I'll find a sculptor to mold me into a better person.
But I suppose I should start looking.