(no subject)
Ms. Higginbottham,
This letter is written for both formal and informal reasons. I'd like to firstly address the state of my home and, secondly, the financial disrepair you seem to find yourself in as of late. Those are the formal reasons.
My home is a place of peace and tranquility. It is a place to escape the grueling pressures from film directors and of the bright lights of the paparazzi. I come into my home in the wee hours of the morning after a night of dodging rat-like photographers and E! who are simply trying to get a story from the great, classical actress Elizza Fortunelli. I don't ask for much, really. I just expect to be welcomed with the simple, everyday pleasures in life such a a bouquet of two dozen roses in each room and my personalized Pleasant Greeter 3000 which both greets and compliments me each time I enter a room. To be brutally honest, Mrs. Higginbottham, you've forgotten to turn on my Pleasant Greeter 3000 for the last 6 days. I counted only 12 roses in the bouquet in the upstairs guest bathroom in the west wing. Also (and this really pains my heart to speak about) I noticed that one of the stacks of fan mail in my home office had somehow ended up strewn about on the beautiful marble floor. The letters looked up at me, almost mockingly. I truly hope that was not an act of jealousy. How can I possibly give the world the best and most beautiful of Elizza Fortunelli when I am forced to survive under these conditions?
I must also address a recent request of yours. You have asked me for an "increase in pay". I don't know where to begin and I can't hope to possibly give you an answer that you would like, so I will simply have to answer your request with a few questions of my own. Do you remember when I first interviewed and hired you, Ms. Higginbottham? Did I not address the fact that being in the presence of Elizza Fortunelli, why simply being able to work for Elizza Fortunelli, was quite a payment in itself? Did I not sit you down and allow you to drink from my very own tea cups once while I explained how fortunate you are? How you can have the gall, the nerve to ask for more money is, quite frankly, beyond my comprehension. And, believe me, I can comprehend quite a bit. I am the great, classical actress Elizza Fortunelli.
I'm relieved we've gotten these terrible un-pleasantries out of the way. Now I will move on to the informal reasons this letter finds you. I may be partially to blame for this issue because all day and every day I am surrounded by the most gorgeous people on the planet, myself included. Unfortunately I am conditioned to see beauty and perfection everywhere I go and when I come home to a maid that is much less than beautiful it somewhat sickens me. Quite honestly, Ms. Higginbottham, your appearance sometimes upsets my delicate psyche. Please don't think less of yourself, it is simply the affliction I am cursed with and you, Ms. Higginbottham, must pay the price. Iv'e already spoken to one of my hair stylists about this and he whimsically suggested that I fire you. I think that is a very reasonable option, but I consider myself a forgiving, even loving actress. With that in mind, I'd like to give you another chance to redeem yourself.
Please address all of the issues I've laid out to you by noon tomorrow when I will arise from my slumber or I will be forced to take further action. Also, please let Muffins eat the lemon grass tofu and couscous the cook prepared for my dinner. I am too upset by this to eat.
Sincerely,
Elizza Fortunelli
Dictated but not read
This letter is written for both formal and informal reasons. I'd like to firstly address the state of my home and, secondly, the financial disrepair you seem to find yourself in as of late. Those are the formal reasons.
My home is a place of peace and tranquility. It is a place to escape the grueling pressures from film directors and of the bright lights of the paparazzi. I come into my home in the wee hours of the morning after a night of dodging rat-like photographers and E! who are simply trying to get a story from the great, classical actress Elizza Fortunelli. I don't ask for much, really. I just expect to be welcomed with the simple, everyday pleasures in life such a a bouquet of two dozen roses in each room and my personalized Pleasant Greeter 3000 which both greets and compliments me each time I enter a room. To be brutally honest, Mrs. Higginbottham, you've forgotten to turn on my Pleasant Greeter 3000 for the last 6 days. I counted only 12 roses in the bouquet in the upstairs guest bathroom in the west wing. Also (and this really pains my heart to speak about) I noticed that one of the stacks of fan mail in my home office had somehow ended up strewn about on the beautiful marble floor. The letters looked up at me, almost mockingly. I truly hope that was not an act of jealousy. How can I possibly give the world the best and most beautiful of Elizza Fortunelli when I am forced to survive under these conditions?
I must also address a recent request of yours. You have asked me for an "increase in pay". I don't know where to begin and I can't hope to possibly give you an answer that you would like, so I will simply have to answer your request with a few questions of my own. Do you remember when I first interviewed and hired you, Ms. Higginbottham? Did I not address the fact that being in the presence of Elizza Fortunelli, why simply being able to work for Elizza Fortunelli, was quite a payment in itself? Did I not sit you down and allow you to drink from my very own tea cups once while I explained how fortunate you are? How you can have the gall, the nerve to ask for more money is, quite frankly, beyond my comprehension. And, believe me, I can comprehend quite a bit. I am the great, classical actress Elizza Fortunelli.
I'm relieved we've gotten these terrible un-pleasantries out of the way. Now I will move on to the informal reasons this letter finds you. I may be partially to blame for this issue because all day and every day I am surrounded by the most gorgeous people on the planet, myself included. Unfortunately I am conditioned to see beauty and perfection everywhere I go and when I come home to a maid that is much less than beautiful it somewhat sickens me. Quite honestly, Ms. Higginbottham, your appearance sometimes upsets my delicate psyche. Please don't think less of yourself, it is simply the affliction I am cursed with and you, Ms. Higginbottham, must pay the price. Iv'e already spoken to one of my hair stylists about this and he whimsically suggested that I fire you. I think that is a very reasonable option, but I consider myself a forgiving, even loving actress. With that in mind, I'd like to give you another chance to redeem yourself.
Please address all of the issues I've laid out to you by noon tomorrow when I will arise from my slumber or I will be forced to take further action. Also, please let Muffins eat the lemon grass tofu and couscous the cook prepared for my dinner. I am too upset by this to eat.
Sincerely,
Elizza Fortunelli
Dictated but not read