having nothing
in about third grade i had some unidentified sickness. (if the doctors did tell my parents what it was, nobody shared it with me.)
what i do know is that there was some speculation that it was leukemia. relax - it wasn't.
i remember having super high fevers, and being violently sick. chills and burning up. i remember soothing baths and wearing rags on my forehead.
missed quite a few weeks (maybe a month and half at most...) from school. and i remember whoever my teacher was she called my home line to ask my folks how i was doing. i remember thinking it was really thoughtful of her. maybe she was just doing her job.
after a few meds and tests and things i did get better. i don't ask my parents what it was, but i think more than just the average flu.
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here's the point:
looking back on it, i was ready in third grade to die; if that was my time. i lived my life in such a way that if it was to be my time, i would have been at peace with it.
it wasn't, and i'm still here.
ever since about third grade that's when i've added nothing to this world but sh*T. over 20 years of adding darkness, and feeling darkness from others. the more i've lived the more i've hated who i am. and i've tried to be a better person - smarter/faster/stronger/funnier....anything that's a good quality. but failed miserably.
i don't even want (or try) to try be good things anymore. because the inevitable failure sucks more when i didnt think that was possible.
ironically, now i'm not ready to die because of who i am. but saying just change who you are is oversimplifying it.
yes i know you'll all tell me that i'm good or have xyz good quality but it's all sh*t. and i'm done with trying to be so save your breath if you think you're going to say just don't quit or something along those lines.
yes i do know you care, i'm not looking for your sympathy or your caring words. this is more just to put out my thoughts/emotions. like i said writing is theraputic.
and no i would NEVER commit suicide; cuz that is just something i would never do.
it just sucks being sh*t and feeling like i have nothing to contribute to this world. (and then contributing evil and darkness just makes it worse.
hopefully music will distract me enough to escape reality.
what i do know is that there was some speculation that it was leukemia. relax - it wasn't.
i remember having super high fevers, and being violently sick. chills and burning up. i remember soothing baths and wearing rags on my forehead.
missed quite a few weeks (maybe a month and half at most...) from school. and i remember whoever my teacher was she called my home line to ask my folks how i was doing. i remember thinking it was really thoughtful of her. maybe she was just doing her job.
after a few meds and tests and things i did get better. i don't ask my parents what it was, but i think more than just the average flu.
----------------------------------------------------------------------
here's the point:
looking back on it, i was ready in third grade to die; if that was my time. i lived my life in such a way that if it was to be my time, i would have been at peace with it.
it wasn't, and i'm still here.
ever since about third grade that's when i've added nothing to this world but sh*T. over 20 years of adding darkness, and feeling darkness from others. the more i've lived the more i've hated who i am. and i've tried to be a better person - smarter/faster/stronger/funnier....anything that's a good quality. but failed miserably.
i don't even want (or try) to try be good things anymore. because the inevitable failure sucks more when i didnt think that was possible.
ironically, now i'm not ready to die because of who i am. but saying just change who you are is oversimplifying it.
yes i know you'll all tell me that i'm good or have xyz good quality but it's all sh*t. and i'm done with trying to be so save your breath if you think you're going to say just don't quit or something along those lines.
yes i do know you care, i'm not looking for your sympathy or your caring words. this is more just to put out my thoughts/emotions. like i said writing is theraputic.
and no i would NEVER commit suicide; cuz that is just something i would never do.
it just sucks being sh*t and feeling like i have nothing to contribute to this world. (and then contributing evil and darkness just makes it worse.
hopefully music will distract me enough to escape reality.