(no subject)
So I guess I should explain what's happened in the previous 9 months. And before you ask, no, I did not give birth to a child.
I didn't abandon this place on purpose. I just always tend to do that. I have ideas, theories, and ambition, but I lose interest and leave things unfinished. The same goes for anything I try to keep updated online. There has to be some kind of force that keeps me going, and most times it doesn't exist.
Anyway.
Reading my old posts kind of depresses me. I don't know if its some kind of unexplainable nostalgia, or if its just the fact that I always seem to be miserable about something at any given point in my lifetime-- but, for what its worth, I'm fairly happy these days.
I've kind of gone through an uphill climb of optimism since I was young. At some point in my late teens, I think I just decided I wanted to stop fucking being so sad all the time, so I just quit. I realized that with all my bad points I had a lot of good points... and all that's subjective anyway. What one person might think is bad, another might think is good, and vice-versa. At some point, I decided I would be independent or indie in my thoughts and beliefs.
This kind of got off to a rocky start. I had the crazy theory that indie was going against the norm. I decided to be indie, I needed to purposefully seek out the things that the general masses seemed to ignore. I fell into the trend of not wanting to be trendy, which is kind of a paradox, isn't it?
And thankfully, I fell out of that. Unfortunately, now "indie" is a massive trend that has somewhat replaced what was emo/pop-punk a few years ago, and rap-rock before it, and grunge and flannel before that (and we can keep going past that into the several tons of hairspray needed for an 80's hairstyle, but we won't).
I've realized after all these years that there are two types of people when it comes to this category. Those who are indie and those who are independent. By this definition, I am not indie.
I listen to what I like, I watch what I like, I wear what I like, regardless of how popular or unpopular, or whether or not it is well liked by the indie community, or anyone, for that matter. Sometimes I want to see a thought-provoking, deep and meaningful, Aranofsky-like visual depiction of the workings of the inner mind-- and sometimes I just want to see some shit explode in Independence Day, godammit.
In my mind, there's three categories everyone can, on their own, summarize art into: "good", "good, but without much artistic merit", and "bad".
I've found that just because a particular song doesn't have amazing lyrics, the music itself can redeem my attention. If a movie doesn't necessarily have an amazingly well-written plot by Charlie Kaufman, but its fun to watch, then I'm grabbing my fucking popcorn. What the fuck does it matter if its being played on the radio, if your friends don't like it, or the critics say its crap? Make some fucking decisions for yourself.
And it is with all this sidetracked bitterness that I come back to my main point: I am optimistic. I'm more optimistic than I've ever been because I don't worry about this stuff applying to me anymore. I look forward to a future where everyone starts thinking for themselves instead of letting other people do it for them. It might not happen, but at least I've broken out of it.
So... now you ask (or maybe I lost you with my rambling): what have you been doing these past 9 months?
Well,
-I was in a band for about 8 months tentatively titled nothing at all, "The Solar Union", and "Solarium". If you read my past posts, it was started by Adam and I. Throughout that 8 months we played a few small sets at The Brick Haus in Denton, got a total of 3 songs done, argued about how we wanted the songs to sound, never got a drummer or bassist, got a keyboardist, argued about how we wanted the songs to sound, almost disbanded, got together again, recorded two songs (one good, one bad), argued about how we wanted the songs to sound, and finally I got kicked out of the band for losing interest. Imagine that.
Seriously, though, Adam and I had enough "creative differences" that I could foresee nothing but problems if we stuck together. And I know every person who's been kicked out of a band says this, but I honestly was already thinking about quitting.
It just sucks that he did it for me.
But whatever, I wish him well, assuming what was left of the band is still together.
-I've become a chain smoker. Adam was a chain smoker. I won't blame him for making me one, but he didn't help things any. Whenever we jammed we smoked... and we smoked a lot. And eventually I liked smoking so much I decided to start smoking in my car.. and on my breaks at work... and now I'm sure my lungs are coated in black molasses. My singing voice has suffered, but I've been cutting back on the cigarettes quite a bit and it seems to be slowly coming back to normalcy. I actually sing in a bit lower and less nasally register now, so it may have actually been for the best.
I do plan on completely quitting though, and I've said that a million times between now and when I started (also a previous post), but I really will. It takes a lot of willpower for me to do something like that, but if I really, really need to, I can muster it up.
-I dropped out of college. I got a job at a camera store and have been working there since June of 2004. I like my job, but I hate the salesman part of it. I love customer service, and doing labwork, but I hate being pushed to sell things to people. I hate being that guy. You know who I'm talking about. The guy at Circuit City, or the car lot, or Gamestop that won't take "no" for an answer. I have to badger my customers when they drop off their film and then again when they pick up, over and over and over. Our regular customers must get really tired of hearing us tell them about the special we have "this month only" that's been going on for over half a year.
Oh, and no raises, either. Doesn't matter how well you did, you don't pass the 7.50/hr mark unless you get promoted to management. Yeah, you can make some pseudo-commission here and there by selling a certain product or service, but its usually a minuscule percentage of what the company is actually making on it. I usually round out to around 8.00-8.50/hr after my commission is added in, but, come on. I made more money with less responsibility at Wal-Mart (with the added embarrassment and stressful frustration of working for Satan).
I also hear the company I work for may be going under in a few years. And I don't mean to Austrailia.
So with all that said,
-I'm thinking about going back to college.
-I had my first threesome with two girls. I won't go into details, but I will say that while I would never take that experience back, it wasn't like it is in the porn films. And it takes more coordination than my lazy ass can handle.
-I've become distant from most of my friends. I don't think Jeff likes me any more and Bryan has moved to Seattle, pursuing a career in the aeronautical industry. I still talk with Bryan on the phone, and planning on visiting him sometime next year, so that's cool. I just wish we could hang out all the time like we used to.
As for Jeff. Fuck. I told him before he went into the Air Force not to come back as a different person, but he has and it sucks. And I don't mean that the army made him into some gruff asshole or anything. Jeff's always had a complex about how he feels he hasn't accomplished anything in his life and that he never will. I think that quitting the AF solidified his feelings for that, and he's very mopey all the time. He hasn't had much luck with girls since he broke up with his girlfriend a few years ago and that's obviously bugging him too.
Jeff has admitted to me that he doesn't like hanging around with me as much anymore because I've changed. He's right, I have changed in some ways, but not in any way that I would think he'd dislike. Sure, I've gone through my stoner phases here and there, but whatever happened to the Jeff who would've probably jumped at the chance a few years ago if I had told him I wanted to smoke out with him?
I can't help but think that either breaking up with his girlfriend or the AF caused him to change so much but I wish things were back the way they were. I never liked his girlfriend and she never liked me, but I'd put up with it if Jeff was still Jeff.
I'm still hanging out with Derik and Christy, though. Or I should probably say Derik. A while back, Derik got the PS2 game "Final Fantasy XI", an online game. When he got that game he started playing a lot more of it and hanging out with his friends a lot less. Pretty soon, he got Christy in on it, and they moved the PS2 to the bedroom where she could play while he bought the PC version to play in his living room. At some point, Derik finally realized that the game was hurting his relationship with his friends (or maybe he just bored of it, I don't know) and he stopped playing it. I haven't seen him play it in ages.
Christy on the other hand has totally become a hermit who hardly ever leaves the house. She has played the game for literally months. I don't mean that she's just been playing the game off and on for a few months, but I mean that in total playing time from late last year to now, she has put in months of hours of time into playing this game. I think Derik spends a lot of his nights on the couch in the living room. I heard through Jeff that Derik told him its hurting their marriage, and I can't really blame him for feeling that way.
One night I talked with Christy about why she never hangs out with us in the living room anymore, the way we used to. At first she explained that it was because Derik and I were always playing video games or music or something that she wasn't interested in. That seemed fair enough. But as we talked, she revealed to me that she was lonely here in Texas (they moved here from Indiana) and that the only people she was really friends with aside from Derik, Jeff, and I, were the people she talked to through the game.
So there's two sides to the story, and its really sad. I feel bad for both of them and I hope they work things out sooner or later.
But I like to end things on a good note, so I'm happy to announce that
-after several years of being single, I have a girlfriend once again. Her name is Amie and she's damn near everything I've ever wanted in a girl. She fulfills every need I have and I love her. And that's, of course, the minimalist in me describing her, but I'll get to her soon.
I've had some ups and downs, but right now, with her around, everything just seems optimal.
-justin
I didn't abandon this place on purpose. I just always tend to do that. I have ideas, theories, and ambition, but I lose interest and leave things unfinished. The same goes for anything I try to keep updated online. There has to be some kind of force that keeps me going, and most times it doesn't exist.
Anyway.
Reading my old posts kind of depresses me. I don't know if its some kind of unexplainable nostalgia, or if its just the fact that I always seem to be miserable about something at any given point in my lifetime-- but, for what its worth, I'm fairly happy these days.
I've kind of gone through an uphill climb of optimism since I was young. At some point in my late teens, I think I just decided I wanted to stop fucking being so sad all the time, so I just quit. I realized that with all my bad points I had a lot of good points... and all that's subjective anyway. What one person might think is bad, another might think is good, and vice-versa. At some point, I decided I would be independent or indie in my thoughts and beliefs.
This kind of got off to a rocky start. I had the crazy theory that indie was going against the norm. I decided to be indie, I needed to purposefully seek out the things that the general masses seemed to ignore. I fell into the trend of not wanting to be trendy, which is kind of a paradox, isn't it?
And thankfully, I fell out of that. Unfortunately, now "indie" is a massive trend that has somewhat replaced what was emo/pop-punk a few years ago, and rap-rock before it, and grunge and flannel before that (and we can keep going past that into the several tons of hairspray needed for an 80's hairstyle, but we won't).
I've realized after all these years that there are two types of people when it comes to this category. Those who are indie and those who are independent. By this definition, I am not indie.
I listen to what I like, I watch what I like, I wear what I like, regardless of how popular or unpopular, or whether or not it is well liked by the indie community, or anyone, for that matter. Sometimes I want to see a thought-provoking, deep and meaningful, Aranofsky-like visual depiction of the workings of the inner mind-- and sometimes I just want to see some shit explode in Independence Day, godammit.
In my mind, there's three categories everyone can, on their own, summarize art into: "good", "good, but without much artistic merit", and "bad".
I've found that just because a particular song doesn't have amazing lyrics, the music itself can redeem my attention. If a movie doesn't necessarily have an amazingly well-written plot by Charlie Kaufman, but its fun to watch, then I'm grabbing my fucking popcorn. What the fuck does it matter if its being played on the radio, if your friends don't like it, or the critics say its crap? Make some fucking decisions for yourself.
And it is with all this sidetracked bitterness that I come back to my main point: I am optimistic. I'm more optimistic than I've ever been because I don't worry about this stuff applying to me anymore. I look forward to a future where everyone starts thinking for themselves instead of letting other people do it for them. It might not happen, but at least I've broken out of it.
So... now you ask (or maybe I lost you with my rambling): what have you been doing these past 9 months?
Well,
-I was in a band for about 8 months tentatively titled nothing at all, "The Solar Union", and "Solarium". If you read my past posts, it was started by Adam and I. Throughout that 8 months we played a few small sets at The Brick Haus in Denton, got a total of 3 songs done, argued about how we wanted the songs to sound, never got a drummer or bassist, got a keyboardist, argued about how we wanted the songs to sound, almost disbanded, got together again, recorded two songs (one good, one bad), argued about how we wanted the songs to sound, and finally I got kicked out of the band for losing interest. Imagine that.
Seriously, though, Adam and I had enough "creative differences" that I could foresee nothing but problems if we stuck together. And I know every person who's been kicked out of a band says this, but I honestly was already thinking about quitting.
It just sucks that he did it for me.
But whatever, I wish him well, assuming what was left of the band is still together.
-I've become a chain smoker. Adam was a chain smoker. I won't blame him for making me one, but he didn't help things any. Whenever we jammed we smoked... and we smoked a lot. And eventually I liked smoking so much I decided to start smoking in my car.. and on my breaks at work... and now I'm sure my lungs are coated in black molasses. My singing voice has suffered, but I've been cutting back on the cigarettes quite a bit and it seems to be slowly coming back to normalcy. I actually sing in a bit lower and less nasally register now, so it may have actually been for the best.
I do plan on completely quitting though, and I've said that a million times between now and when I started (also a previous post), but I really will. It takes a lot of willpower for me to do something like that, but if I really, really need to, I can muster it up.
-I dropped out of college. I got a job at a camera store and have been working there since June of 2004. I like my job, but I hate the salesman part of it. I love customer service, and doing labwork, but I hate being pushed to sell things to people. I hate being that guy. You know who I'm talking about. The guy at Circuit City, or the car lot, or Gamestop that won't take "no" for an answer. I have to badger my customers when they drop off their film and then again when they pick up, over and over and over. Our regular customers must get really tired of hearing us tell them about the special we have "this month only" that's been going on for over half a year.
Oh, and no raises, either. Doesn't matter how well you did, you don't pass the 7.50/hr mark unless you get promoted to management. Yeah, you can make some pseudo-commission here and there by selling a certain product or service, but its usually a minuscule percentage of what the company is actually making on it. I usually round out to around 8.00-8.50/hr after my commission is added in, but, come on. I made more money with less responsibility at Wal-Mart (with the added embarrassment and stressful frustration of working for Satan).
I also hear the company I work for may be going under in a few years. And I don't mean to Austrailia.
So with all that said,
-I'm thinking about going back to college.
-I had my first threesome with two girls. I won't go into details, but I will say that while I would never take that experience back, it wasn't like it is in the porn films. And it takes more coordination than my lazy ass can handle.
-I've become distant from most of my friends. I don't think Jeff likes me any more and Bryan has moved to Seattle, pursuing a career in the aeronautical industry. I still talk with Bryan on the phone, and planning on visiting him sometime next year, so that's cool. I just wish we could hang out all the time like we used to.
As for Jeff. Fuck. I told him before he went into the Air Force not to come back as a different person, but he has and it sucks. And I don't mean that the army made him into some gruff asshole or anything. Jeff's always had a complex about how he feels he hasn't accomplished anything in his life and that he never will. I think that quitting the AF solidified his feelings for that, and he's very mopey all the time. He hasn't had much luck with girls since he broke up with his girlfriend a few years ago and that's obviously bugging him too.
Jeff has admitted to me that he doesn't like hanging around with me as much anymore because I've changed. He's right, I have changed in some ways, but not in any way that I would think he'd dislike. Sure, I've gone through my stoner phases here and there, but whatever happened to the Jeff who would've probably jumped at the chance a few years ago if I had told him I wanted to smoke out with him?
I can't help but think that either breaking up with his girlfriend or the AF caused him to change so much but I wish things were back the way they were. I never liked his girlfriend and she never liked me, but I'd put up with it if Jeff was still Jeff.
I'm still hanging out with Derik and Christy, though. Or I should probably say Derik. A while back, Derik got the PS2 game "Final Fantasy XI", an online game. When he got that game he started playing a lot more of it and hanging out with his friends a lot less. Pretty soon, he got Christy in on it, and they moved the PS2 to the bedroom where she could play while he bought the PC version to play in his living room. At some point, Derik finally realized that the game was hurting his relationship with his friends (or maybe he just bored of it, I don't know) and he stopped playing it. I haven't seen him play it in ages.
Christy on the other hand has totally become a hermit who hardly ever leaves the house. She has played the game for literally months. I don't mean that she's just been playing the game off and on for a few months, but I mean that in total playing time from late last year to now, she has put in months of hours of time into playing this game. I think Derik spends a lot of his nights on the couch in the living room. I heard through Jeff that Derik told him its hurting their marriage, and I can't really blame him for feeling that way.
One night I talked with Christy about why she never hangs out with us in the living room anymore, the way we used to. At first she explained that it was because Derik and I were always playing video games or music or something that she wasn't interested in. That seemed fair enough. But as we talked, she revealed to me that she was lonely here in Texas (they moved here from Indiana) and that the only people she was really friends with aside from Derik, Jeff, and I, were the people she talked to through the game.
So there's two sides to the story, and its really sad. I feel bad for both of them and I hope they work things out sooner or later.
But I like to end things on a good note, so I'm happy to announce that
-after several years of being single, I have a girlfriend once again. Her name is Amie and she's damn near everything I've ever wanted in a girl. She fulfills every need I have and I love her. And that's, of course, the minimalist in me describing her, but I'll get to her soon.
I've had some ups and downs, but right now, with her around, everything just seems optimal.
-justin