How Did I Ever Feel Safe with You?
Last night, I was feeling bitchy, and I realized, as I looked over the day, that some of that had been expressed, and I felt bad about it. I try not to be a bitch, and most of the time I succeed. I'm very opinionated and not afraid to express myself, most of the time, but I really try to avoid bitch. Yesterday, I was not really successful.
When someone tried to comfort me, I resisted comfort and did not really offer any reciprocal reaching out. I allowed the conversation to be mostly about me and was in that contrary place where everything someone offers to help you feel better is reasoned away. That was how I felt, but it was still rude and bitchy of me. (Though she denies that it was, and I love her all the more for that.) I also recognize, that sometimes we all need that; I just feel bad when I do. Guilt complex, whatever.
In Worship Council, of which I'm the Chair, I was a little prickly. There was nothing major, just a little bit bitchy, and while I'm sure it was noticed, I'm probably far more aware of it than anyone else. But we were talking about advent and Christmas, and right now the thought of Christmas depresses me. I'm not going to get into that right now, though.
So, on facebook, I put up a post apologizing for having been bitchy late, that the Christmas depression was already beginning to get to me.
Someone responded with "Sorry :(" and someone else chimed in that it was already getting to her as well.
The Ex-H, however, being a complete and total asshole, responded with "We're all used to it."
I realize, on the spectrum of things, that's minor. But I'm pissed off. He's such a jerk and a creep and I can't understand how I ever felt safe with that man.
When someone tried to comfort me, I resisted comfort and did not really offer any reciprocal reaching out. I allowed the conversation to be mostly about me and was in that contrary place where everything someone offers to help you feel better is reasoned away. That was how I felt, but it was still rude and bitchy of me. (Though she denies that it was, and I love her all the more for that.) I also recognize, that sometimes we all need that; I just feel bad when I do. Guilt complex, whatever.
In Worship Council, of which I'm the Chair, I was a little prickly. There was nothing major, just a little bit bitchy, and while I'm sure it was noticed, I'm probably far more aware of it than anyone else. But we were talking about advent and Christmas, and right now the thought of Christmas depresses me. I'm not going to get into that right now, though.
So, on facebook, I put up a post apologizing for having been bitchy late, that the Christmas depression was already beginning to get to me.
Someone responded with "Sorry :(" and someone else chimed in that it was already getting to her as well.
The Ex-H, however, being a complete and total asshole, responded with "We're all used to it."
I realize, on the spectrum of things, that's minor. But I'm pissed off. He's such a jerk and a creep and I can't understand how I ever felt safe with that man.