My craptacular life....chapter 19
So, the other day, I was thinking about what I would do when I graduated from college. Law school? Maybe. Med school? Probably not. And then it hit me. I really don't wanna do anything with my life but be able to enjoy it. And then I wonder why I'm at school. Educationally speaking, it's rather mundane. Experience wise, I have very few friends. Some of my friends from high school don't even talk to me anymore. So I continue to wonder why I bother to exist. Is it for me or for others? What would happen if I wasn't around all of the time like everyone has come to expect? Would the world simply just fall apart? You and I both know that it wouldn't. I'd be mourned for maybe a month, then forgotten about, just like so many relatives I've buried and forgotten except on the anniversary of their death.
Death.
There's an interesting notion. What happens when we die? Do we know we're dead? Do we cease to exist? Do we know we cease to exist? All of these questions, with no answers. Hatred. Why does hatred exist? Because people don't like the color of each other's skin or what somebody else calls God? He's the same God for all people, whether you call him Allah or Jehovah or simply God. And yet, there are people fighting over this....people dying over these very simplistic and childish arguments. Cruelty. Why do some people seem to revel in others' pain and sadness? We call them sadists, and yet, are they people simply lashing out for help? Are we cruel for not helping them?
And then there are the most basic of emotions. Love. Pain. Anger. Sadness. What are these emotions? How can I know that I'm loved by my family and friends and yet still feel so alone in this sham of a life? Why do I feel hurt every time a couple walks by, or I see people that I know are happy? Why do I get so easily pissed off at people? They haven't done anything to deserve my anger, and yet, they face the brunt of it more times than not. Why do I feel like I'm just drifting through days in life only to be one step closer to Death's door?
Questions.
So many questions......No answers.
Then I began to think about how relationships have influenced me in my life. Past friends, current friends. Ex-girlfriends. Was I happy when I was with them? Superficially. Will I ever be happy with a girl to the point of connecting spiritually? Probably not. Let's face it, girls just aren't interested in logical guys who have morals anymore. So since I'm not up with the times, I guess I'm shit outta luck.
I went to the doctor today for my ankle. I rolled it when I stole Hank's dinner and tried to vault down a flight of stairs. So now I have to wear a brace for the thing for a few months. Whoo-hoo. As if I wasn't dorky enough already. They weighed me today too. 226. A new record. I've gained close to 30 pounds since high school. So guess who got the "you need to lose weight again" talk from his mom. Right here, oh yeah. It's no surprise though, just something I anticipated.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep up this happy facade, this spectacle of a life I've been living. No one calls. No one cares. Everyone's wrapped up too much in their own lives to just pop in and say hi. So why do I bother to try and be me? Since it's been so popular until now. Everyone thinks I'm smart. So smart, so proper, funny too. That's all I am..I'm a joke.
I thought of joining the priesthood the other day. Then I realized that I couldn't praise God that much, 24/7. So I don't even have a fall back plan to fall back too. Maybe someday I'll figure it out. I'll finally be able to piece the parts of my life together, and say, now there's what I should be doing. Right now, I'm just a drifter...no worries, no cares, no concerns. I'm me. Maybe that's all we're ever meant to be is ourselves and we put way too much pressure on each other to become something we're not. But who gives a shit, seriously? Does that mean people will notice if I don't become what they expect? No. Doesn't work that way.
I tried the other day to capture my feelings in a point of light
The sun and the clouds refracting against the blackness of night.
Then I realized that it wasn't the world I was looking at - it was me.
The conflict inside just dying to be free.
What does it matter if all I can do is simple and basic?
Yet, I'm called a failure, a fraud, a dropout who didn't make it.
Someone who couldn't take the pressures of humanity
Someone who didn't know the way they were supposed to be.
All to often, I wonder where time goes
And every time I ask, people really don't know.
I look at my watch, and another hour's gone by.
No way I can ever get it back, no matter how hard I can try.
So I wonder, what is my purpose here?
Is there anything I'm meant to do, or am I just supposed to await death with fear?
Everything that has a beginning has an end, so they say
What's my end going to be like when it finally comes some day?
Will it be peaceful? Will I finally be able to rest?
Maybe I'll finally be happy when my heart stops beating inside of my chest.
Then I can finally leave this world behind, enjoy whatever is waiting
And when you bury me, do it so I can see the sun sets, the light of day waning.
I'll be free someday, maybe somebody will be able to understand
I'll find a friend, an accomplice, a lover to take my hand
And lead me through this life of confusion
Where true happiness is nothing but illusion.
So that's what it's come down to - me against me.
One side set in stone, the other longing to get out and be free.
I'll tell you someday how the battle will end.
For the ending to me is still a surprise, my friend.
Stay close to me, don't break away
Let me hold on to what we have for just another day
Then you can leave if you must, go if that is your choice
But I will always be right here waiting, like always - laughing out loud, yet silent without a voice.
For all of you who read this, don't be frightened or alarmed. It's just been a lot of stuff on my mind recently, wearing on me and trying my patience. I figured that if other people can complain to the Internet about their pain, so can I. Leave me one if you have anything to say.
Death.
There's an interesting notion. What happens when we die? Do we know we're dead? Do we cease to exist? Do we know we cease to exist? All of these questions, with no answers. Hatred. Why does hatred exist? Because people don't like the color of each other's skin or what somebody else calls God? He's the same God for all people, whether you call him Allah or Jehovah or simply God. And yet, there are people fighting over this....people dying over these very simplistic and childish arguments. Cruelty. Why do some people seem to revel in others' pain and sadness? We call them sadists, and yet, are they people simply lashing out for help? Are we cruel for not helping them?
And then there are the most basic of emotions. Love. Pain. Anger. Sadness. What are these emotions? How can I know that I'm loved by my family and friends and yet still feel so alone in this sham of a life? Why do I feel hurt every time a couple walks by, or I see people that I know are happy? Why do I get so easily pissed off at people? They haven't done anything to deserve my anger, and yet, they face the brunt of it more times than not. Why do I feel like I'm just drifting through days in life only to be one step closer to Death's door?
Questions.
So many questions......No answers.
Then I began to think about how relationships have influenced me in my life. Past friends, current friends. Ex-girlfriends. Was I happy when I was with them? Superficially. Will I ever be happy with a girl to the point of connecting spiritually? Probably not. Let's face it, girls just aren't interested in logical guys who have morals anymore. So since I'm not up with the times, I guess I'm shit outta luck.
I went to the doctor today for my ankle. I rolled it when I stole Hank's dinner and tried to vault down a flight of stairs. So now I have to wear a brace for the thing for a few months. Whoo-hoo. As if I wasn't dorky enough already. They weighed me today too. 226. A new record. I've gained close to 30 pounds since high school. So guess who got the "you need to lose weight again" talk from his mom. Right here, oh yeah. It's no surprise though, just something I anticipated.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't keep up this happy facade, this spectacle of a life I've been living. No one calls. No one cares. Everyone's wrapped up too much in their own lives to just pop in and say hi. So why do I bother to try and be me? Since it's been so popular until now. Everyone thinks I'm smart. So smart, so proper, funny too. That's all I am..I'm a joke.
I thought of joining the priesthood the other day. Then I realized that I couldn't praise God that much, 24/7. So I don't even have a fall back plan to fall back too. Maybe someday I'll figure it out. I'll finally be able to piece the parts of my life together, and say, now there's what I should be doing. Right now, I'm just a drifter...no worries, no cares, no concerns. I'm me. Maybe that's all we're ever meant to be is ourselves and we put way too much pressure on each other to become something we're not. But who gives a shit, seriously? Does that mean people will notice if I don't become what they expect? No. Doesn't work that way.
I tried the other day to capture my feelings in a point of light
The sun and the clouds refracting against the blackness of night.
Then I realized that it wasn't the world I was looking at - it was me.
The conflict inside just dying to be free.
What does it matter if all I can do is simple and basic?
Yet, I'm called a failure, a fraud, a dropout who didn't make it.
Someone who couldn't take the pressures of humanity
Someone who didn't know the way they were supposed to be.
All to often, I wonder where time goes
And every time I ask, people really don't know.
I look at my watch, and another hour's gone by.
No way I can ever get it back, no matter how hard I can try.
So I wonder, what is my purpose here?
Is there anything I'm meant to do, or am I just supposed to await death with fear?
Everything that has a beginning has an end, so they say
What's my end going to be like when it finally comes some day?
Will it be peaceful? Will I finally be able to rest?
Maybe I'll finally be happy when my heart stops beating inside of my chest.
Then I can finally leave this world behind, enjoy whatever is waiting
And when you bury me, do it so I can see the sun sets, the light of day waning.
I'll be free someday, maybe somebody will be able to understand
I'll find a friend, an accomplice, a lover to take my hand
And lead me through this life of confusion
Where true happiness is nothing but illusion.
So that's what it's come down to - me against me.
One side set in stone, the other longing to get out and be free.
I'll tell you someday how the battle will end.
For the ending to me is still a surprise, my friend.
Stay close to me, don't break away
Let me hold on to what we have for just another day
Then you can leave if you must, go if that is your choice
But I will always be right here waiting, like always - laughing out loud, yet silent without a voice.
For all of you who read this, don't be frightened or alarmed. It's just been a lot of stuff on my mind recently, wearing on me and trying my patience. I figured that if other people can complain to the Internet about their pain, so can I. Leave me one if you have anything to say.