Thoughts, as of late....
Wow....sittin here watchin Scrubs, life's kinda caught up to me all of a sudden. I'm gettin married here in like under 6 months, about to start my practicum, and then my internship, I've got a wonderful woman who loves and supports me in everything I do, great friends that understand me. Everything a man could want. But I still feel lacking.
I tried to understand this last night, as I drove down to Cincinnati for a hockey game. I feel that so much of my life is complete, but so much of it has yet to begin. That much I've accepted. But it's this damn stupid inbetween time, where I feel older than I am, where I am ready to start my life but can't afford to, it's all just killing me. Work is ok, but unfulfilling, really - the people are great, but the work itself can lend itself to monotony unless we're in a crisis or panic about a specific concern. Piano is fine, though I would love to have more than one student. My student is wonderful, but he is rapidly approaching the end of our journey together, as his skill is advancing so greatly in recent times that I feel I really don't much teach him as guide him through the pieces and discuss his social life at school. Hockey has been blah this year - I have no emotional attachment to the program anymore, since I've stopped teaching at Alter. Bellbrook is a wonderful program, and I'm extremely excited that the team is going to state this year, but beyond that, hockey is something in which I don't feel like much of an active participant anymore. Perhaps as an occasional hobby, but not the controlling presence that it used to be in my life.
Honestly, i'm happy in my personal life, overall. The doctor put me on a restricted diet back in December, and I've lost 18 pounds now, down from 286 to 268. I've not had the time to work out nearly as much as I've wanted to, with 3 classes and work ~35 hours a week. On top of that is planning the wedding and figuring our life out for next year, which is also a project. So many decisions to be made.
Overall, I'm really not certain I want to be a counselor, working my ass off for a largely ungrateful community for little compensation. I've never been one to be happy just working so much in the week. The week flies by, and when the weekend comes, I've got to sleep some on Saturday to make up for running myself ragged on Friday, and if we stay up late on Saturday, we go to later church on Sunday, which puts the day later when we get home. And then, I find myself dreading work yet again, with no real 'relaxing' day to unwind, unpack, or just relax. And this cycle is never-ending. Once I begin my P&I part of my Master's, I'll be working ~45 hours a week, not including a 3 hour lecture, to keep my job and gain my degree credits I need in order to graduate. And that's at least 8 quarters away, at least another 2 years on top of everything else. Who knows? Maybe I'll really like what I'm doing, find my niche, and enjoy my work. But on this precipice, I'm scared to fully commit to something that seems to be a jaded and underpaid profession. What if I burn out? What then? I've wasted 4 years getting a Masters that will largely become simply a credential on my resume. And then how do I justify that? What do I do from there?
How could I possibly consider myself a good husband and potential father if I simply walked away from something this big? If I said, for lack of better terms, 'Fuck this, this shit's too hard, I don't wanna do it anymore, I'm out.' and left? What kind of person would that make me? Later on, could I tell my kids, 'No, you've gotta stick with difficult things, but don't look at Dad's life, because he gave up on one of the best things he's ever had?'
This torrent of thoughts never seems to stop
Wide open floodgates of my mind not stoppin a drop
Letting all of these doubts well up inside
My own worst enemy right here without a place to hide
My life is tumultous, no end in sight
Nightmares flow in my head, only increasing my fright
This overture of my life seems stuck in repeat
And getting out won't be any small feat
How do I stay true with so much at stake?
Put my life on the line, no emergency exit to take
Allow myself to let everyone down?
Or lower my shoulder, and fight for every inch of that ground
Always been a fighter ever since I was young
Gotten up every time after my bell has been rung
But what if this is the KO punch? The final hit?
Can I muster the strength to do as I see fit?
I can see this road splittin in two
Not much race left to run, and then I'll be through
See one of the two to the end, and then I'll be free
I only hope that my choice doesn't break me.
--------------------------
I'll try to update more, simply because I need to. I doubt anyone really reads this anymore, but hey, I'll keep tryin.
I tried to understand this last night, as I drove down to Cincinnati for a hockey game. I feel that so much of my life is complete, but so much of it has yet to begin. That much I've accepted. But it's this damn stupid inbetween time, where I feel older than I am, where I am ready to start my life but can't afford to, it's all just killing me. Work is ok, but unfulfilling, really - the people are great, but the work itself can lend itself to monotony unless we're in a crisis or panic about a specific concern. Piano is fine, though I would love to have more than one student. My student is wonderful, but he is rapidly approaching the end of our journey together, as his skill is advancing so greatly in recent times that I feel I really don't much teach him as guide him through the pieces and discuss his social life at school. Hockey has been blah this year - I have no emotional attachment to the program anymore, since I've stopped teaching at Alter. Bellbrook is a wonderful program, and I'm extremely excited that the team is going to state this year, but beyond that, hockey is something in which I don't feel like much of an active participant anymore. Perhaps as an occasional hobby, but not the controlling presence that it used to be in my life.
Honestly, i'm happy in my personal life, overall. The doctor put me on a restricted diet back in December, and I've lost 18 pounds now, down from 286 to 268. I've not had the time to work out nearly as much as I've wanted to, with 3 classes and work ~35 hours a week. On top of that is planning the wedding and figuring our life out for next year, which is also a project. So many decisions to be made.
Overall, I'm really not certain I want to be a counselor, working my ass off for a largely ungrateful community for little compensation. I've never been one to be happy just working so much in the week. The week flies by, and when the weekend comes, I've got to sleep some on Saturday to make up for running myself ragged on Friday, and if we stay up late on Saturday, we go to later church on Sunday, which puts the day later when we get home. And then, I find myself dreading work yet again, with no real 'relaxing' day to unwind, unpack, or just relax. And this cycle is never-ending. Once I begin my P&I part of my Master's, I'll be working ~45 hours a week, not including a 3 hour lecture, to keep my job and gain my degree credits I need in order to graduate. And that's at least 8 quarters away, at least another 2 years on top of everything else. Who knows? Maybe I'll really like what I'm doing, find my niche, and enjoy my work. But on this precipice, I'm scared to fully commit to something that seems to be a jaded and underpaid profession. What if I burn out? What then? I've wasted 4 years getting a Masters that will largely become simply a credential on my resume. And then how do I justify that? What do I do from there?
How could I possibly consider myself a good husband and potential father if I simply walked away from something this big? If I said, for lack of better terms, 'Fuck this, this shit's too hard, I don't wanna do it anymore, I'm out.' and left? What kind of person would that make me? Later on, could I tell my kids, 'No, you've gotta stick with difficult things, but don't look at Dad's life, because he gave up on one of the best things he's ever had?'
This torrent of thoughts never seems to stop
Wide open floodgates of my mind not stoppin a drop
Letting all of these doubts well up inside
My own worst enemy right here without a place to hide
My life is tumultous, no end in sight
Nightmares flow in my head, only increasing my fright
This overture of my life seems stuck in repeat
And getting out won't be any small feat
How do I stay true with so much at stake?
Put my life on the line, no emergency exit to take
Allow myself to let everyone down?
Or lower my shoulder, and fight for every inch of that ground
Always been a fighter ever since I was young
Gotten up every time after my bell has been rung
But what if this is the KO punch? The final hit?
Can I muster the strength to do as I see fit?
I can see this road splittin in two
Not much race left to run, and then I'll be through
See one of the two to the end, and then I'll be free
I only hope that my choice doesn't break me.
--------------------------
I'll try to update more, simply because I need to. I doubt anyone really reads this anymore, but hey, I'll keep tryin.