(no subject)
I've decided that I dwell on the past too much. Well, maybe dwell isn't the right word, but I think about it a lot and I think about who I was and compare it to who I think I am now...blah blah. I was driving home from work today (in my mother's car, mine is still getting fixed) and I saw a group of kids in a car, still sporting the "Seniors '06!!" on the glass and still adorned with streamers and little pom poms on the antenna and such, and I flashed back to two years ago when I was in the same place in my life. Summer 2004 feels like twenty lifetimes ago. That was an amazing summer, possibly the most memorable of my life so far. Summer '04 just held so much promise, in so many ways. I was standing at a crossroads, torn between wanting to experience something completely different and staying where I was comfortable, if not entirely happy. So many things I couldn't control...it was an amazing ride. I had so much momentum that summer, as did we all, in those last couple of months before college. There were get-togethers, so many times where sentences began with "This is the last time we're going to do this...". Then the goodbyes started, and while we were a little sad, and a little overwhelmed, we were so happy for ourselves and our friends, and we were excited and anxious for it to be our turn. Then my turn came. Summer '04 was amazing. And now, here I am, two years later. I'm 20 years old. 20. It sounds like such a big number. It totally won't in two years, but right now it does. This summer is just a summer. I'm working full time at a job that I do like, I just don't know if I love. I guess if I loved it, I would know it, huh? This summer doesn't hold nearly as much promise...I wish just for a minute that I could get that feeling back. I want to feel on top of the world again. I want to feel alive. I feel like I've been asleep inside for so long, just for a minute I wish I could feel that rush of anticipation. I would even go through the sad stuff that happened that summer again. So many confusing feelings, the fear of not having enough time, all of it made me feel so alive, and I'll never forget that feeling. At least I would never want to forget that feeling. But for now, like the paint on that girl's car windows, that feeling has begun to fade. Now I don't have the choice of moving on or staying where I am comfortable. I'm right where I am, and I'm not all that comfortable. But there's nowhere else to go.