The worst semester ever comes to a close...
It's really been the worst semester ever, filled with apathy, anxiety, and a total fearlessness for consequences. I looked at my final grades today: 1 B+, a barely pass, 1 C+ and 1 C, 2 C's, the first C's I've ever gotten. And the funny thing is, I don't really care. Actually, it's really not bad for having done absolutely nothing all semester...and I really mean absolutely nothing. That's how the semester has been, and it ended with mediocre grades, averting disciplinary action because of academic dishonesty, probably getting kicked off my volleyball team, and a sub-par evaluation for my job that could as well gotten me fired under normal circumstances. And I still don't really care... I really don't take school or my job seriously at all...they're almost like...jokes. Don't get me wrong, I'm not sad, I'm just really glad it's all over.
I'm really too old for this, and I desperately need to move on to the next segment of my life. Maybe this is why I'm really not undergoing any sort of personal development; rather, I see a regression in my personality, values, principles because of this stagnation. For example, this past semester, my expenses have totaled up to $9,000. I was really surprised at this figure because my food and housing is covered. $9,000 for 5 months...for a college student who is supporting himself! I've put a serious welt into the savings I've accumulated over the past 4 years of my life. By the end of the year, I don't expect much to be left. It's absurd...
How much more of this stagnation can I handle? The new semester brings a few changes in that I am taking only 7 units that count toward my GPA, and I'll probably have more free time to do other things. I feel as though I'm in a ditch though. Several of my good friends this semester have pointed out repeatedly what a bastard I am...maybe it's true then...I'm just stuck.
And another thing. I really don't like Christmas. This is the first time I've been through the whole Christmas shopping experience, and I hate it. I hate the crowds, the Christmas music... This time of season gets me down because of all the memories that it triggers. Christmas is just such a bad time for me that I haven't been 'home' for it since 1998.
1999 - Over the Pacific headed to Australia
2000 - Northern Virginia
2001 - Northern Virginia
2002 - Paris, travel day to Washington DC where I waited at the gate for my mom and sibs to arrive on a SFO-IAD plane. We had planned to arrive on the same day, around the same time. I waited 3 hours (on Christmas day), for 3 flights to land in anticipation, but she never showed.
2003 - Manila
2004 - New York, travel day - sleeping in the airport at LAX, running after lost luggage at SFO
2005 - travel day, SFO-NRT-SIN
But then again, I really don't have a place that I can call 'home.' I really jump from place to place...and that's really how I like living. I actually went home to the place I lived as a kid in Daly City...geezers, what a dump...a literal dump where our bedrooms are now junkpiles, junk stacked to one side of the wall in the hallways. It's a mess. I've never been a guy to give or receive presents. That's just not how my family functions. Part of it was cuz we just had no money growing up. But for the most part, we were just disjointed. Christmas just doesn't have the value it should in my eyes.
I don't mean to bring down Christmas for everyone else who reads this. It's just what I go through around this time of year. This Christmas is a great example. My mom and my younger sister have escaped off to Bangkok for Christmas. I'm supposed to meed them in Tokyo/Narita for the couple hours that I transit through Japan. My dad is gonna be a homebody, despite my sister's attempts to get him out of the house. My bro is prob gonna spend xmas with his girlfriend. Leaving my older sister to prepare a Christmas dinner that no one will show up to, like she did last year, when my mom abandoned her for Christmas for the second time. Yes, I'm guilty for escaping for Christmas. I'm flying 8000 miles to see someone who probably doesn't really wanna see me at this point. But I'm coming anyway... After all, how much worse can Christmas get?
I appear to not have feelings, but I have them...they're just rather repressed. As someone said, I'm like a clam. This is the way I live my life, and honestly, I'm content with it.
I'm really too old for this, and I desperately need to move on to the next segment of my life. Maybe this is why I'm really not undergoing any sort of personal development; rather, I see a regression in my personality, values, principles because of this stagnation. For example, this past semester, my expenses have totaled up to $9,000. I was really surprised at this figure because my food and housing is covered. $9,000 for 5 months...for a college student who is supporting himself! I've put a serious welt into the savings I've accumulated over the past 4 years of my life. By the end of the year, I don't expect much to be left. It's absurd...
How much more of this stagnation can I handle? The new semester brings a few changes in that I am taking only 7 units that count toward my GPA, and I'll probably have more free time to do other things. I feel as though I'm in a ditch though. Several of my good friends this semester have pointed out repeatedly what a bastard I am...maybe it's true then...I'm just stuck.
And another thing. I really don't like Christmas. This is the first time I've been through the whole Christmas shopping experience, and I hate it. I hate the crowds, the Christmas music... This time of season gets me down because of all the memories that it triggers. Christmas is just such a bad time for me that I haven't been 'home' for it since 1998.
1999 - Over the Pacific headed to Australia
2000 - Northern Virginia
2001 - Northern Virginia
2002 - Paris, travel day to Washington DC where I waited at the gate for my mom and sibs to arrive on a SFO-IAD plane. We had planned to arrive on the same day, around the same time. I waited 3 hours (on Christmas day), for 3 flights to land in anticipation, but she never showed.
2003 - Manila
2004 - New York, travel day - sleeping in the airport at LAX, running after lost luggage at SFO
2005 - travel day, SFO-NRT-SIN
But then again, I really don't have a place that I can call 'home.' I really jump from place to place...and that's really how I like living. I actually went home to the place I lived as a kid in Daly City...geezers, what a dump...a literal dump where our bedrooms are now junkpiles, junk stacked to one side of the wall in the hallways. It's a mess. I've never been a guy to give or receive presents. That's just not how my family functions. Part of it was cuz we just had no money growing up. But for the most part, we were just disjointed. Christmas just doesn't have the value it should in my eyes.
I don't mean to bring down Christmas for everyone else who reads this. It's just what I go through around this time of year. This Christmas is a great example. My mom and my younger sister have escaped off to Bangkok for Christmas. I'm supposed to meed them in Tokyo/Narita for the couple hours that I transit through Japan. My dad is gonna be a homebody, despite my sister's attempts to get him out of the house. My bro is prob gonna spend xmas with his girlfriend. Leaving my older sister to prepare a Christmas dinner that no one will show up to, like she did last year, when my mom abandoned her for Christmas for the second time. Yes, I'm guilty for escaping for Christmas. I'm flying 8000 miles to see someone who probably doesn't really wanna see me at this point. But I'm coming anyway... After all, how much worse can Christmas get?
I appear to not have feelings, but I have them...they're just rather repressed. As someone said, I'm like a clam. This is the way I live my life, and honestly, I'm content with it.