(no subject)
So I decided today that I wouldn’t do any work. Instead, I’m writing this entry on MS Word so that it’s not so obvious that I’m not working. I’m back in Pennsylvania for my third internship with Merck, for the sole purpose of interviewing and procuring a pimp ass job out here. I’ll know by November whether I’ll end up working here or not. The east coast lures me with its favorable costs of living for recent graduates, its fast-paced and dynamic lifestyle, and great shopping…haha. My metro buddy and I indulged in about $300 of shopping gluttony at the third biggest mall in America, King of Prussia. And the sad part is, I wasn’t even done. We just ran out of time. Shopping with Russ was great. I’ve never run into a straight guy who enjoyed shopping as much as I did. And it’s cool being able to expand on my breadth in clothing; he definitely has a different taste that I never even considered to explore before. We went to the mall with this girl from UVA who was just totally entertained by us, two guys from California hauling bags and bags of goods. And Russ and I got approached again for jobs at Abercrombie…no thanks. Love your clothing, but I’m fine working my cushy job.
This year’s job as Merck is actually awesome. It sucks that my pay has been severely downgraded-I’ve exhausted my scholarship and I’m making roughly less than two-thirds of what I banked last year. Regardless, it is still one of the sweeter-paid internships out there. I’m designing a facility from scratch. My model started with seven blocks, and at the end of this summer, I can only imagine the loops and convolutions the simulation will have. This year’s job is different in that what I do has a direct impact on those who will receive this treatment. The model that I create will definitely be used to create the blueprints for this facility that is expected to be in operation in less than two years! Already one week into work, I’m ahead of schedule about one week.
I know I haven’t posted in a while, especially since I’ve covered half a globe in the span of half a year. I had an interesting dream last night that I was headed back to Shanghai. I remember feeling scared sitting at the airport. But hell, it was ballsy of me to go to China like I did in March anyway with no plans at all. I’m forever fortunate for those Stanford kids I bumped into at SFO and Jimmy. China just has so many people and a lot of things not yet infiltrated by tourism because of linguistic and cultural barriers. I’m intrigued enough to put myself through a self-paced Mandarin course this summer. And the Hawaii trip in April: that place just makes me forget everything that vexes me.
The main motivation behind my writing this entry is what I’ve experienced over the last three weeks. Greece and Italy were awesome places. I just know to choose my travel buddies very carefully so I don’t end up leaving his annoying ass in Athens again and continue onto Rome without him. It sounds cruel and vicious, but it was well-warranted. Those of you who know me well know that it takes a lot for me to be able to do something like that-specifically leaving someone behind in a foreign country who has NEVER traveled on his own before. I thought I’d get a chance to get to know someone that my friends have been friends with and be able to put aside and hopefully erase all the gossip and ‘misconceptions’ I’ve heard about him. It’s sad to see that the gossip and misconceptions are nothing but cold truths.
Honestly, because of this and my being sexually harassed by a fellow staff member in a VERY respected position in the gay community at Cal, I am totally repulsed by the gay community. I’ve tried several times to try to integrate myself into the gay community by getting to know people. I give up. I will not make any further efforts to partake in events, etc. in any gay community, especially at Cal. It’s just totally disgusting. It sucks being gay, and I hate it.
Out here in Pennsylvania, I’m hanging out with a bunch of straight guys all because one guy in the group plays volleyball for Illinois. These guys are cool, but it’s kinda difficult at times to relate. Thank goodness the two guys from Illinois are deeply committed to their respective relationships, all of which have been lasting for years now. Otherwise, I’d never hear the end of fucking pussy, girls’ boobs, etc. It’s taking a toll on my liver, but I enjoy the company of these guys. It’s a bonus that the dude who plays for Illinois is hot This Saturday night, it was my roommate’s 21st birthday, and we got him trashed. It was a fun night out, though everything past trying to get my roommate up and into the car from the tree he was hugging just outside the bar was a complete blur. Liz told me that I had a half an hour conversation with her when I got back to my room. No wonder my phone was flipped open on the floor the next morning.
I guess it’s also my hanging out with these guys that makes me hate being gay. And it’s so fucking hard to meet people through non-shady means. How long did it take me to come out to Kao, Andrew, Danny, Mel, etc… A pretty looong fucking time…years actually. Things would be easier if I were just straight. If only I’d be disgusted enough to be able to revive my attraction for women. Believe me, it’s damn close to that point.
Another issue I just seem to keep struggling with is my being a gay Asian in a white man’s world. Granted the guys I hang out with here are all straight white guys, I still feel a sort of insecurity even though I’m probably the reason this group got together in the first place…haha. I just really have to get over it. Obviously, not every white person is out there to judge me just cuz of my ethnic background if I’m hanging out with this group. Sigh…gay, Asian, and growing up the way I did… It’s taken its toll…
I know I always complain about my upbringing and how it has affected me. Given everything I’ve accomplished, I should really put it all behind me. I guess emotional scars just don’t go away especially when I look at how my siblings are doing right now. Have you ever seen your dad beat your mom, shove her head into a mirror, or hear your mom fall down a flight of stairs because he pushed her down? Have you ever seen your dad give your sister whom you love more than anyone else in this world a black eye and come back home from school the day after to see that she’s run away from home? I know this all sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I really can’t help it. I can’t forget. A strong side of me tells me to stop being a pussy and move on. Stop seeking that support and encouragement that I never got when I was a kid. Just be strong since I’ve already been strong enough to defy all odds and get to where I am. It IS time to move one though.
I really don’t know what I’m looking to get out of this… It’s funny also that I’m skipping out on lunch with hot Illinois boy to finish writing this. Don’t get me wrong. I’m pretty happy with where I am right now, but I’m just contemplating the greener grass.
Many of you also think that I’m the poster child for the ‘perfect life.’ I know I’ve been fortunate to do all the things I have: travel the world in first class for ‘free,’ work a summer job that pays more than jobs worked by FTE’s with college degrees, being gifted enough to play college sports and pursue the hardest degree on the Berkeley campus. But there is a tradeoff for all my good fortune.
This year’s job as Merck is actually awesome. It sucks that my pay has been severely downgraded-I’ve exhausted my scholarship and I’m making roughly less than two-thirds of what I banked last year. Regardless, it is still one of the sweeter-paid internships out there. I’m designing a facility from scratch. My model started with seven blocks, and at the end of this summer, I can only imagine the loops and convolutions the simulation will have. This year’s job is different in that what I do has a direct impact on those who will receive this treatment. The model that I create will definitely be used to create the blueprints for this facility that is expected to be in operation in less than two years! Already one week into work, I’m ahead of schedule about one week.
I know I haven’t posted in a while, especially since I’ve covered half a globe in the span of half a year. I had an interesting dream last night that I was headed back to Shanghai. I remember feeling scared sitting at the airport. But hell, it was ballsy of me to go to China like I did in March anyway with no plans at all. I’m forever fortunate for those Stanford kids I bumped into at SFO and Jimmy. China just has so many people and a lot of things not yet infiltrated by tourism because of linguistic and cultural barriers. I’m intrigued enough to put myself through a self-paced Mandarin course this summer. And the Hawaii trip in April: that place just makes me forget everything that vexes me.
The main motivation behind my writing this entry is what I’ve experienced over the last three weeks. Greece and Italy were awesome places. I just know to choose my travel buddies very carefully so I don’t end up leaving his annoying ass in Athens again and continue onto Rome without him. It sounds cruel and vicious, but it was well-warranted. Those of you who know me well know that it takes a lot for me to be able to do something like that-specifically leaving someone behind in a foreign country who has NEVER traveled on his own before. I thought I’d get a chance to get to know someone that my friends have been friends with and be able to put aside and hopefully erase all the gossip and ‘misconceptions’ I’ve heard about him. It’s sad to see that the gossip and misconceptions are nothing but cold truths.
Honestly, because of this and my being sexually harassed by a fellow staff member in a VERY respected position in the gay community at Cal, I am totally repulsed by the gay community. I’ve tried several times to try to integrate myself into the gay community by getting to know people. I give up. I will not make any further efforts to partake in events, etc. in any gay community, especially at Cal. It’s just totally disgusting. It sucks being gay, and I hate it.
Out here in Pennsylvania, I’m hanging out with a bunch of straight guys all because one guy in the group plays volleyball for Illinois. These guys are cool, but it’s kinda difficult at times to relate. Thank goodness the two guys from Illinois are deeply committed to their respective relationships, all of which have been lasting for years now. Otherwise, I’d never hear the end of fucking pussy, girls’ boobs, etc. It’s taking a toll on my liver, but I enjoy the company of these guys. It’s a bonus that the dude who plays for Illinois is hot This Saturday night, it was my roommate’s 21st birthday, and we got him trashed. It was a fun night out, though everything past trying to get my roommate up and into the car from the tree he was hugging just outside the bar was a complete blur. Liz told me that I had a half an hour conversation with her when I got back to my room. No wonder my phone was flipped open on the floor the next morning.
I guess it’s also my hanging out with these guys that makes me hate being gay. And it’s so fucking hard to meet people through non-shady means. How long did it take me to come out to Kao, Andrew, Danny, Mel, etc… A pretty looong fucking time…years actually. Things would be easier if I were just straight. If only I’d be disgusted enough to be able to revive my attraction for women. Believe me, it’s damn close to that point.
Another issue I just seem to keep struggling with is my being a gay Asian in a white man’s world. Granted the guys I hang out with here are all straight white guys, I still feel a sort of insecurity even though I’m probably the reason this group got together in the first place…haha. I just really have to get over it. Obviously, not every white person is out there to judge me just cuz of my ethnic background if I’m hanging out with this group. Sigh…gay, Asian, and growing up the way I did… It’s taken its toll…
I know I always complain about my upbringing and how it has affected me. Given everything I’ve accomplished, I should really put it all behind me. I guess emotional scars just don’t go away especially when I look at how my siblings are doing right now. Have you ever seen your dad beat your mom, shove her head into a mirror, or hear your mom fall down a flight of stairs because he pushed her down? Have you ever seen your dad give your sister whom you love more than anyone else in this world a black eye and come back home from school the day after to see that she’s run away from home? I know this all sounds like I’m feeling sorry for myself, but I really can’t help it. I can’t forget. A strong side of me tells me to stop being a pussy and move on. Stop seeking that support and encouragement that I never got when I was a kid. Just be strong since I’ve already been strong enough to defy all odds and get to where I am. It IS time to move one though.
I really don’t know what I’m looking to get out of this… It’s funny also that I’m skipping out on lunch with hot Illinois boy to finish writing this. Don’t get me wrong. I’m pretty happy with where I am right now, but I’m just contemplating the greener grass.
Many of you also think that I’m the poster child for the ‘perfect life.’ I know I’ve been fortunate to do all the things I have: travel the world in first class for ‘free,’ work a summer job that pays more than jobs worked by FTE’s with college degrees, being gifted enough to play college sports and pursue the hardest degree on the Berkeley campus. But there is a tradeoff for all my good fortune.