So strange!
I've been feeling lonely lately. But unlike in previous years of loneliness it doesn't stem from depression. Which is really weird for me. I want to talk to people, but all of the people I text or call or email or message on various social media don't reply to me. So I've been really bored and lonely lately.
I've been browsing and trying to interact with more people on FetLife lately and finding it really frustrating that i can send someone a message and 7 days later I don't get a replay. I'm not pestering or messaging them constantly, and I know someone may be getting a flood of messages when they say "Hey, message me if you like anime!" or something. And maybe it's just me wanting to know that my message has been received and read, regardless of whether or not someone is like "Oh hey, I think you're great and really want to hang out with you and play or something!", I just want to know that someone has seen my message and even if they say "No thanks fuck off" then it's better than just not saying anything at all. FUCK that is so annoying for me. That's one of the things I really hate about being a guy. Never in fucking demand anywhere. I have none of the characteristics people look for and all of the negatives they want to stay away from other than being a cool person that's easy to talk to and fun to be around. But because I don't have whatever physical characteristics that people are looking for first, I don't ever get noticed. Fuck that annoys the shit out of me.
I need more fucking friends. Friends in general are confusing to me. Back in middle school and high school it was so fucking simple. You find people you have class with or that you see in the hallway and you talk to them. You see them like everyday. You talk at lunch. You hang out after school. Even when I was living in the dorms it felt easy to make friends because you were constantly around people; people you liked or didn't like or were ambivalent about. You were around people living in the dorms interacting constantly and being forced to be together and if you liked someone you hung out with them, made a point to be around them more. But now that I'm not in the dorms and not in high school I don't know what the fuck to do. I want to hang out with my friends because I like being around my friends but I just don't have enough of them. People on Facebook aren't really my friends. I have people that I know from around the world and I can't spend a minute of time with them simply because they're just around the world. Then there are people that live really close to me, in Metro Detroit, that I don't see EVER, haven't seen for years, or go months between hanging out with and it's like... what's the point? Friends should be around each other. Maybe not the same people every single day. But shit man, I'm not around anyone any days. And every time I try to reach out to find new friends it's just difficult. I try to text and call and say "Hey we should hang out! What do you want to do, I'm flexible" and they just never want to be around me. I've felt since like 2006 when I left Wayne State that it was me that people didn't want to be around. When I kept trying to hang out with my WSU friends and none of them would return my calls or texts or instant messages, I was like "What the fuck is wrong with me..." But maybe it's not me. Maybe I just need to find different people to be around, more reliable people. People that I'm not at all associated with from school or from common interests or some shit. I don't know. I'm ranting and I know that but I need to get this off of my chest. TO THE NO PEOPLE THAT READ MY LIVE JOURNAL.
I've started to think of this Live Journal as more of a place for me to get my thoughts out other than just letting them ramble in my head. Like the "pensieve" from Harry Potter. A place where I can just say things or store things so that they don't have to keep taking up space in my memory, in my conscious mind. I used to write things so that people could talk to me about them. Now I write so that I can get them off of my mind. I think I'm using the journal in a far more healthy way and I like that. But it still ties in to the fear I have over not being liked by people... Oh well.
End of rant.
I've been browsing and trying to interact with more people on FetLife lately and finding it really frustrating that i can send someone a message and 7 days later I don't get a replay. I'm not pestering or messaging them constantly, and I know someone may be getting a flood of messages when they say "Hey, message me if you like anime!" or something. And maybe it's just me wanting to know that my message has been received and read, regardless of whether or not someone is like "Oh hey, I think you're great and really want to hang out with you and play or something!", I just want to know that someone has seen my message and even if they say "No thanks fuck off" then it's better than just not saying anything at all. FUCK that is so annoying for me. That's one of the things I really hate about being a guy. Never in fucking demand anywhere. I have none of the characteristics people look for and all of the negatives they want to stay away from other than being a cool person that's easy to talk to and fun to be around. But because I don't have whatever physical characteristics that people are looking for first, I don't ever get noticed. Fuck that annoys the shit out of me.
I need more fucking friends. Friends in general are confusing to me. Back in middle school and high school it was so fucking simple. You find people you have class with or that you see in the hallway and you talk to them. You see them like everyday. You talk at lunch. You hang out after school. Even when I was living in the dorms it felt easy to make friends because you were constantly around people; people you liked or didn't like or were ambivalent about. You were around people living in the dorms interacting constantly and being forced to be together and if you liked someone you hung out with them, made a point to be around them more. But now that I'm not in the dorms and not in high school I don't know what the fuck to do. I want to hang out with my friends because I like being around my friends but I just don't have enough of them. People on Facebook aren't really my friends. I have people that I know from around the world and I can't spend a minute of time with them simply because they're just around the world. Then there are people that live really close to me, in Metro Detroit, that I don't see EVER, haven't seen for years, or go months between hanging out with and it's like... what's the point? Friends should be around each other. Maybe not the same people every single day. But shit man, I'm not around anyone any days. And every time I try to reach out to find new friends it's just difficult. I try to text and call and say "Hey we should hang out! What do you want to do, I'm flexible" and they just never want to be around me. I've felt since like 2006 when I left Wayne State that it was me that people didn't want to be around. When I kept trying to hang out with my WSU friends and none of them would return my calls or texts or instant messages, I was like "What the fuck is wrong with me..." But maybe it's not me. Maybe I just need to find different people to be around, more reliable people. People that I'm not at all associated with from school or from common interests or some shit. I don't know. I'm ranting and I know that but I need to get this off of my chest. TO THE NO PEOPLE THAT READ MY LIVE JOURNAL.
I've started to think of this Live Journal as more of a place for me to get my thoughts out other than just letting them ramble in my head. Like the "pensieve" from Harry Potter. A place where I can just say things or store things so that they don't have to keep taking up space in my memory, in my conscious mind. I used to write things so that people could talk to me about them. Now I write so that I can get them off of my mind. I think I'm using the journal in a far more healthy way and I like that. But it still ties in to the fear I have over not being liked by people... Oh well.
End of rant.