belated birthday wishes
Im doing what I can to not think of the alternate meaning of my birthday. cuz. well. it has no meaning anymore. still, it was something major (at the time), and its hard to forget. and not to think about. I really dont think of her much anymore. I really am over it. all of it. all 9 (+/-) years. and I think in a way that makes me more sad when I do think about it.
these days things have been weird. losing my job, cuz the company is closing. roommates are great, though. things arent bad, to be honest. I just know theres a large void in my life that used to be filled, or at least, I was able to fill. Im so bitter and angry about what I've been through it makes me hate the idea of a relationship. or other people being in them. I just truly loath the idea. but on the other side of that, I want so badly to be in one. even me, after all these years and all the shit Ive said about them, I want to be in a relationship. hell, I even like a girl or two, surprisingly. I just dont know how to do it anymore. I feel as though its harder to talk to girls now without getting defensive or being a down right cunt to them. aside from the part where Im not too easy on the eyes these days I feel. but thats a different rant. basically, I feel like I cant/couldnt do anything right at this time to find myself in a relationship, and any attempts will be further efforts to sabotage myself in that sort of manner.
basically, Im just getting a little older. and a little more bitter. but these days, I know its my own fault.
these days things have been weird. losing my job, cuz the company is closing. roommates are great, though. things arent bad, to be honest. I just know theres a large void in my life that used to be filled, or at least, I was able to fill. Im so bitter and angry about what I've been through it makes me hate the idea of a relationship. or other people being in them. I just truly loath the idea. but on the other side of that, I want so badly to be in one. even me, after all these years and all the shit Ive said about them, I want to be in a relationship. hell, I even like a girl or two, surprisingly. I just dont know how to do it anymore. I feel as though its harder to talk to girls now without getting defensive or being a down right cunt to them. aside from the part where Im not too easy on the eyes these days I feel. but thats a different rant. basically, I feel like I cant/couldnt do anything right at this time to find myself in a relationship, and any attempts will be further efforts to sabotage myself in that sort of manner.
basically, Im just getting a little older. and a little more bitter. but these days, I know its my own fault.