He told Lauren about his mother being there? Willingly? Usually it's pulling teeth to get him to tell anyone, what the hell did she do to him?
I swear to God, if the female Hannibal Lecter broke my best friend on top of everything else that's going on right now, I will figure out a way somehow to get her back for it. It'd be a long time coming for all the crap she gives me.
Carly might agree to letting me do it. If I give her something in return. Something that's, y'know, not Madsen's life.
... I'd figure it out.
"Lower the gun, dude, let's go."
"Joykill."
Is it just me, or is them getting along getting more and more creepy to look at?
"And I'm not a dude."
And that was a hell of a lot less abrasive than what I usually hear out of her. Unless I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. It'd be kind of nice to be wrong about this, I could definitely live with it.
I looked at Carly, and when I wasn't seeing any answers on how they were acting in how she was looking at me, gave up.
I sighed and followed Madsen inside, and couldn't help glancing over my shoulder before I went inside. It'll be a while before they come after us, but I still feel a little tense.
Days like this will do that to you.
"So what'd you do?"
"We got out. The house is wrecked. What's the deal?"
"Dude, they're pissed, what else would be the deal? Nobody knows that you two are sticking together yet. And I'm sure after whatever you guys just pulled, they're going to be even more into tracking you."
"So they're working together on this, or they're trying to handle it individually?"
And then I noticed what I should have noticed when I looked at Carly before. She looks off. Like something's wrong. I mean, something's wrong, but there's something else.
"Don't know, dude, but I seriously wouldn't be surprised if they decided to work together on this. Would you?"
I didn't bother saying anything, since the question was to Lauren, I just settled on trying to figure out why Carly was looking like that for.
I'd guess and what's going through her head, but I think considering the last couple of years, I'd rather know for sure. Just because second guessing each other hasn't gotten us very far.
"Dude, they're pissed, what else would be the deal? Nobody knows that you two are sticking together yet. And I'm sure after whatever you guys just pulled, they're going to be even more into tracking you."
Exactly. Now they're going to throw twice as much shit at us because we look like a threat to them. First and foremost, they want us dead. If they can't have dead, then they want us separated. They've seen what we can do together, and they probably wouldn't be opposed to losing the amount of men that they will when they take us out because then we'll be made an example of. The attachments clause is going to come back and kick us in the ass.
And maybe Sam hasn't thought about this yet, but we're going to be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. If we stay together, they won't stop coming at us until we're dead. Trying to find two people is a lot easier than trying to find one. At least if we separated we could get new identities and start over with other agencies.
I would have to go blonde, but I'd be a living one.
Sam is my weakness. He always has been, and he always will be. I'm pretty sure that he would say the same about me again, too. I just don't think that's anything to be proud of if it means that we're going to get each other killed. If Sam was with me, and something happened to him, then...I don't think this is a good idea.
"So they're working together on this, or they're trying to handle it individually?"
"Don't know, dude, but I seriously wouldn't be surprised if they decided to work together on this. Would you?"
"No. I can almost guarantee you that there are about two hundred people being briefed on this as we speak--with more being contacted by the minute."
I would have guessed three hundred. I'm surprised that Sam is even bothering to question it. He knows as well as I do that they're going to put as many people in the field on this as they can. The only reason why he isn't saying much of anything is because he doesn't want to admit how screwed we are.
"You okay?"
"No." I sighed and sat down on the couch, then immediately wished I hadn't. Who knows what the hell could be growing in this thing. "Are you?"
Maybe he'll realize what we're getting ourselves into if he stops and thinks about it for a minute. I don't know. He might not see anything wrong with this at all. Lauren doesn't seem to know what I'm talking about, I can see Sam deciding that I mean something else. And if he doesn't get it, I don't know how to tell him.
"No. I can almost guarantee you that there are about two hundred people being briefed on this as we speak--with more being contacted by the minute."
"Probably more."
It's a totally serious deal, but I look at Sammy, and I don't see him freaking too much. Which I think is 'cause he thinks as long as he has The Snowflake, it's all cool, and they're going to make it out.
Which, dude, I know I'm not the only one thinking that kind of shit is usually reserved for the movies.
Sammy can usually be realistic pretty fast, but The Snowflake's got his mind clouded now, or something. You can even see him totally mentally dropping everything now because she looks off.
Like he doesn't know why.
"You okay?"
"No."
At least she's honest.
"Are you?"
He thinks he's going to be, I know that much. And I also know if she ditches him, he's dead. I'll totally do everything I can to help him, I'm supposed to, I'm his best friend.
But he will totally just... Unless he manages to shut down like I think she will, dude, he is just... So dead.
"This isn't the best day I've ever had, but I'm alive."
Classic Sammy.
"Dude, you need to get on thinking about what you guys are going to do."
Like... Soon.
"Right now, I'm sort of playing everything out as it's dealt Madsen, it's not like we were trained for this."
"I know, Sammy, but you two have to get your shit together." And everybody looks at me like I'm the dumb one all the time. "You're going to have some serious issues in the near future if you don't."
I should find out where everything is right now. I don't know how much they're going to tell me, considering my connection to Sammy, but if there's anything to find I should get it.
"I know."
"Then start thinking, dude. I really don't want to see you dead." And then I looked at The Snowflake. "... And just because it wouldn't be a cool thing for him... You too."
But only because it wouldn't be a cool thing for him. I know Crazy Lesbian Chick Lauren would put Sammy in the ground as fast as possible if she had her way. I'm not that bad.
... Not totally that bad.
"And while you're doing that, I'm going to call people and see what's up, okay?"
"Okay."
Dude, I know that look.
I'm walking out of the room so I don't have to look at that look.
That's the total 'light dawns on marble head' sorta 'oh, maybe things aren't as cool as I thought they might be' kinda look.
Totally don't want to stick around for what's coming next.
"Then start thinking, dude. I really don't want to see you dead.... And just because it wouldn't be a cool thing for him... You too."
That is one extremely high fucking road that Madsen is trying to take with her. I wonder if he knows that she's wearing a look pretty similar to the one she had on when she broke up with me. Carly may be a lot of things, but sometimes, she's just obvious.
But who could fault her for that? She married the enemy. All of her coworkers are going to come after her and try to take her out. Its kill or be killed now that they've caught her with Sam. And he has finally succeeded in ruining Carly's professional career.
Just like I said he would. Though I have to say, I thought this would end with a baby, not a bullet.
"And while you're doing that, I'm going to call people and see what's up, okay?"
"Okay."
This is pathetic on a level that's funny as hell, but Carly looks like she wants me to get out of here so...I'll stare at him for a second while I commit it to memory, and then find something to do.
"I'll help." Oh come on, don't look at me like that. "I don't want to be in here for this."
She's going to let him down easy. I know her better than to think that she would do anything else. Carly's hoping for minimal damage. A nice, clean break. They might not even be able to get a divorce if they're going to make a run for it. Changing their names will have to suffice.
I wonder if I could talk her into 'Madonna' this time.
I'm not the only one who's noticing that there's clearly something wrong here. Ontop of what Madsen just did, which is incredibly freakin' unlike him, I haven't seen Lauren look this smug in ages.
And I'm thinking my guess as far as what's wrong was right after all.
So... I'm in trouble here. A lot of trouble.
I don't know what to do about that.
I looked at Carly for a long minute, reading some things in how she looked that I really didn't like. And it worried me. More than worried me, it actually scared me a little.
Doing this without her... I can't even picture it. At all. I don't know where I'd go, what I'd do, how the hell I'd keep from getting killed on my own, any of it.
I just don't know.
"I'll help."
She's just saying that because Carly wants her to go. Which... I'm really thankful for.
"I don't want to be in here for this."
How nice of you.
I waited until Madsen and Lauren got out of the room, and sat down on the couch, thinking. I felt like an idiot in the damn clothes I was wearing, but I'll wait a couple of minutes before I ask Madsen for a loan to last me until I can get something better.
Besides, I might just stick around here for a little while longer than I thought if my wife's going to leave me.
"So."
I wonder how this is supposed to work.
If she goes, I guess I'll run. I don't know what else to do. I'll have to change my name, get a different look I won't want to kill myself for, and start over again completely.
A new life altogether. After everything we've been through already, knowing full well that we still love each other, I'd go my way and she'd go hers. And you can't really come back from that once it's done, can you?
...
I can't do it.
I definitely don't know how.
"... Y'know, you had one hell of a right hook." I smiled, just enough, which was genuine. Anything else would have been completely fake by now. "I forgot to say something about that back at the house." That one that's in ruin right now.
I can't believe she's even considering leaving me.
I laughed, but it sounded on the weak side, and I sat up to try and act like it was going to be okay. "And some of that other stuff wasn't bad. Where'd you pick all that up?"
It won't be if she goes, but I'll say this now, I think it would be if she stayed. I think we could make a go of it, and I think it would work out.
Thanks, Lauren. Make the unnecessary statement before you sneak off to listen in on the other side of the wall. Really, be a wise ass while my marriage is falling apart. It can't get much worse than this anyway. If we were dead, it would be over.
I don't want to die, but its true. If we had slept right through the bomb, we would be the assassins equivalent of Romeo and Juliet. And Madsen would be disappointed to lose his best friend, but he would still get to say that he called it when we were in high school.
We thought he was crazy back then, yet look where we are now.
"So."
...I don't think Sam and I have ever really been married. I mean, I know I love him. I know he loves me. Its just, there's more to it than that. We never communicated honestly, never went and did anything that we said we were going to do. Most of the things we did as a couple I hated, so I know there was no truth to any of that. This whole time, all these years, we've been lacking in follow through.
And that's a shame, because now its just too late.
"... Y'know, you had one hell of a right hook. I forgot to say something about that back at the house."
That's because we were busy trying to fight off the people who were trying to kill us, remember? The house is already gone, so unless we do something, we're next. And I know what he might be thinking, but we're too outnumbered for that.
I don't think we should be bothering. Everything was a lie. From both sides. There's no getting past that. Sam knows how I hold grudges. Its all he would hear for the rest of his life, however long or short it turned out to be.
"And some of that other stuff wasn't bad. Where'd you pick all that up?"
"Sam." Come on, stop making this worse. "We have to talk." He knows we do.
"I love you, but I think..." Don't look at me like that! "I think if we stayed together now we would be making a mistake."
I know we've made a lot of those, but its different now.
... I guess I can't avoid it anymore. Come on Carly, if you're leaving me, at least give me a couple of minutes of meaningless conversation.
"We have to talk."
Or not.
Christ, I really don't want to do this. And I can feel Madsen trying not to listen in the other room while he's on the phone. But I can't hear either one of them getting close to the door, so I guess they really are repsecting the situation.
Or maybe they just know we'll hear it if they decide to listen in.
I really don't want to talk right now.
"I love you, but I think..."
Oh God, isn't this subtle.
"I think if we stayed together now we would be making a mistake."
And there it is.
So what do I say? She's most of the way to making up her mind, I can see it. I can see her convincing herself that she's making the right choice.
I, of course, think she's wrong. Really wrong. I think we did fine getting out of the house today, and we could do fine after this. We're a good team. We fit. It's how it's supposed to be.
Sure, we screwed up before, and we've got some things to work out.
But so what? We just give up?
"Carly..."
Please.
"I don't see the benefit of splitting up." I really don't. And I'm going to try and handle this from the less emotional standpoint, because... I don't know. I go the other way, I'm going to freak the hell out.
"Look, back there, we covered for each other, and we did freakin' great. And it's not like we weren't outnumbered."
Right?
"We could be a hell of a lot better of a team than we would be apart. What happened before doesn't mean anything because it wasn't real."
She's not agreeing with any of this. And she's not budging. I'm not winning here. God damn it.
"... Look, we both screwed up, but not killing each other back there means something. And you just said you love me. And I know I love you." So much for not going the more emotional route. "It'll be rough, I'm not saying it won't be, but we could make it work."
And I want to. I really do.
"And don't tell me you wouldn't regret walking away every day of your life if you did it."
It isn't like I don't have experience on this freakin' subject. I know what it's like. I know what it's going to be like if we try to get out on our own.
Maybe she thinks that's simpler, but I don't see it. As far as I know, it really just gets worse as you go along.
"We could watch out for each other. It's better than being alone."
"And don't tell me you wouldn't regret walking away every day of your life if you did it."
I wouldn't regret it if he survived. The way things are now, if we stick together neither one of us is going to make it. At least if we go our separate ways the odds won't be against us so much. Sam's right, we did great back there. We took them all out.
Now that they know what we're capable of, they're just going to try harder. More manpower, bigger bombs, whatever it takes to get the job done. That's how I was trained, and I'm willing to bet its how Sam was trained too.
I know it would be hard to move past this on our own, but I think we could. I would miss Sam, but at least I would know that I did the right thing. Staying with him would be selfish, and it would get him hurt.
I think I've hurt him enough for one lifetime with all this crap, I really do.
"We could watch out for each other. It's better than being alone."
"Do you really want to watch them put a bullet in me, Sam? That's what you would be watching out for. And that's what would happen."
I don't even care if I'm the one who draws the short straw, I just don't want it to be Sam. Forget the argument that I would regret leaving him, I would regret staying a hell of a lot more if I turned out to be right about this.
I can handle being alone, I've done it before. When Sam left, I managed for years. What I can't handle is being responsible for his death because I didn't have the common sense to run like I fucking should have.
"Its never going to stop until that happens. So is that the life you want? The two of us looking over our shoulders until one of them has a good day?"
Any one on the team knows that killing us would be like winning the lottery. And I'm sure the price on our heads just went up, so we're becoming more and more popular by the minute.
"Its like I said. I love you, but I refuse to die for you."
That was a lie, but maybe if I get him mad enough he won't realize that more than anything else I'm afraid of him dying for me. Its all about getting him to the right angry place before he can do anything about it.
"Do you really want to watch them put a bullet in me, Sam? That's what you would be watching out for. And that's what would happen."
"You don't know that."
For all we know, it could be me. And that's not even the point. She doesn't know for sure that's what's going to happen to us. She's assuming the worst because it looks bad.
Usually, that's my job. I assume it's all going to go to hell, and I bolt before anything could happen.
So if I'm the one who thinks we can make it for once, shouldn't that say something too?
"Its never going to stop until that happens. So is that the life you want? The two of us looking over our shoulders until one of them has a good day?"
"Wouldn't we be looking over our shoulders no matter what we did?" There's that, too. What difference does it really make? At least, if we're together, we won't be miserable in the process.
But they won't stop looking for us just because we split up. And we might do a good job of disappearing, but one of them could still wind up having a 'good day'.
"They'd still be coming for us, Carly, no matter what we wind up doing."
"Its like I said. I love you, but I refuse to die for you."
...
I stared at her, not saying anything, and for a second I almost completely bought it. And even when I started telling myself it's bullshit, a part of me still grabbed onto it.
"... You..."
I shook my head, sighing. "That's bullshit." I hope.
"... And even if it was true, you wouldn't be dying for me. They're still coming for us. No matter what we do, no matter how we do it, alone or together."
I'd like to see her start arguing with that.
"Our chances are still shit no matter what, and the likelihood that we're going to wind up dead is still there no matter what, and all this is going to do is make us fucking miserable."
I can't believe she thinks anythinge else. It doesn't make any sense. At all.
"... And even if it was true, you wouldn't be dying for me. They're still coming for us. No matter what we do, no matter how we do it, alone or together."
Our odds of making it are still better if we split up. He can't just deny that because he doesn't like how it sounds. Its the truth. And we weren't even that great at working together. We just barely made it out alive this time.
If they want to waste their time and their resources chasing after us, they should have to at least suffer the inconvenience of splitting up their teams to get us both. I put in a lot of hours, and I want to at least cause that much trouble for them.
"Our chances are still shit no matter what, and the likelihood that we're going to wind up dead is still there no matter what, and all this is going to do is make us fucking miserable."
Miserable, but alive for longer. He keeps making sure to skip over that part! And the look he's giving me is just, damnit. Its the eyes. When Sam gets upset like this, they're the only thing that really clues me in to what he's feeling.
I could fight this so much easier if I didn't have to look at his face.
"And you know it. So you can't want this."
"Why can't I? Because you think I'll be miserable?"
God, I hate picking fights when he looks at me like that.
"News flash, Sam. Being married to you made me pretty fucking miserable for a long fucking time."
It wasn't his fault, and maybe it would be different now, but I don't want him to know that I'm thinking that. I want him to believe that this is hopeless and that he's better off without me.
I really do think that our marriage wouldn't have been bad if we had come clean with each other, but we're in over our heads. Staying like this isn't good for us. We would have to work at staying alive and getting to know each other at the same time. And we would do it until we failed at one of them.
"Why can't I? Because you think I'll be miserable?"
She will be. We both will be. And it won't work for us as well as she thinks it does. She's not doing either of us any favors, and it'll probably wind up just getting the both of us killed anyway.
So tell me where the benefit is, Carly.
"News flash, Sam. Being married to you made me pretty fucking miserable for a long fucking time."
...
There was nothing I could do about that. ... I meant, there was, but... She was doing the same thing.
We made each other miserable. But we could have gotten a divorce, or fucking killed each other a million different goddamn ways, and we didn't.
All these things happened that could have ended us ages ago, we stuck together.
Come on, it has to mean something. I can't take the idea of all of this just turning out to be for shit, worthless, and just... Just...
Fuck, I can't do this.
I can't. I just can't. Fuck.
"You know what? I don't fucking understand what the hell you're trying to do. I... I mean, you know what that was about. And you were doing the same exact thing, and I still want to stick with you. I love you, and I would fucking die for you, Carly."
It has to mean something. It can't be a bunch of worthless shit. I can't fucking deal with that.
"I'm sorry for lying to you. I really... I can't even say how much. I wish we hadn't pulled all this bullshit on each other. But I seriously think we're meant to stay together."
And she just...
"Can you seriously tell me you don't feel that way at all?"
She's looking at me like she doesn't care, and I keep thinking I see something else, and as soon as I start getting sure of it, it's gone again. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do to get it back again.
"Because if you did, you should have taken the fucking shot."
It would have saved the both of us a hell of a lot of time and trouble.
"You know what? I don't fucking understand what the hell you're trying to do. I... I mean, you know what that was about. And you were doing the same exact thing, and I still want to stick with you. I love you, and I would fucking die for you, Carly."
Congratulations, Sam. You just hit on the one thing that scares me a lot more than the three hundred people who are going to come after us now.
I couldn't handle it if he died for me. It would be better if we just separated and never had contact with each other ever again, because at least that way I would know that I did what I could. I kept him out of harm's way as much as I was able to, and anything that happened after that...
Yeah, that would be almost as bad as losing him while we're together. I know that. Sam may think I'm being cold about this, but they blew up our house. We're wearing bowling uniforms. The only thing that's left for them to take from me is him, and while I personally wouldn't mind dying to be with him, the fact that Sam feels the same way is something I don't want to have to worry about.
"I'm sorry for lying to you. I really... I can't even say how much. I wish we hadn't pulled all this bullshit on each other. But I seriously think we're meant to stay together."
...
There's nothing that I can say to that. He knows that if I could go back, I would have told him the truth when I met him Rio. Getting out would have been easier back then, and I love my job, but I love Sam more. I think that goes without saying.
Doesn't it?
"Can you seriously tell me you don't feel that way at all?"
Alright, I guess it doesn't after all. Maybe its better if I go with it.
"Because if you did, you should have taken the fucking shot."
"Sam, come on, don't talk like that."
Even when I thought I really wanted him dead, I didn't. I just wanted him to be himself again. And that might not help us here, but its...I don't know. Regardless of what happens next, I think he should understand that taking the shot was never really an option for me.
Everything that I'm saying is because I want to keep him alive, not finish him off. I'd really like it if we could just never talk about the fucking shot ever again. We pushed each other to the edge, that's all it was about.
"This isn't the same thing."
This is the opposite. I don't care what he says. He's crazy if he thinks I'm trying to hurt him.
She can't pull back from talking like she was, and act like it's not true. All this shit about loving me, and then she goes this cold? No goddamn way she shouldn't have just shot me and gotten it over with.
I handed it to her. If that's supposed to be meaningless, then she should have pulled the trigger.
"This isn't the same thing."
"It's exactly the same fucking thing, Carly. You're saying you want to be done with me, shooting me really would have solved the issue. If you don't care now, you should have killed me then. But since you didn't, I don't know, I guess you'd be right and we're probably just wasting time here."
.... I hate thinking this way.
It's pretty logical, as far as I can tell. It's how we've been trained to think, and I'm thinking that we're both pretty good at it. Only now, one of us is turning out to be a hell of a lot better than the other.
"If you do care now," I hope you do. "And this is all... I don't know, because you're scared of what's going to happen? Then you're making a mistake, and living longer by doing it isn't going to change the fact that it's going to be hell to get through."
At least, not as far as I can tell.
And I need to hear one way or the other. Right now, while we're standing here, because if she really doesn't give a damn about me... Maybe I should get out of here after all.
If she doesn't love me enough for us to stay together, then I'm just going to go. There's no reason to stay if she really doesn't want me around.
"But I need to know which one it is. Alright? I need you to look me in the eye, and tell me for sure, without any hesitation or trying to make it nicer than it is and easier on me."
For better or worse.
... And now is really the wrong time to be getting reminded of wedding vows.
"Maybe your Mom can make them some coffee."
...
He told Lauren about his mother being there? Willingly? Usually it's pulling teeth to get him to tell anyone, what the hell did she do to him?
I swear to God, if the female Hannibal Lecter broke my best friend on top of everything else that's going on right now, I will figure out a way somehow to get her back for it. It'd be a long time coming for all the crap she gives me.
Carly might agree to letting me do it. If I give her something in return. Something that's, y'know, not Madsen's life.
... I'd figure it out.
"Lower the gun, dude, let's go."
"Joykill."
Is it just me, or is them getting along getting more and more creepy to look at?
"And I'm not a dude."
And that was a hell of a lot less abrasive than what I usually hear out of her. Unless I'm wrong. Maybe I'm wrong. It'd be kind of nice to be wrong about this, I could definitely live with it.
I looked at Carly, and when I wasn't seeing any answers on how they were acting in how she was looking at me, gave up.
I sighed and followed Madsen inside, and couldn't help glancing over my shoulder before I went inside. It'll be a while before they come after us, but I still feel a little tense.
Days like this will do that to you.
"So what'd you do?"
"We got out. The house is wrecked. What's the deal?"
"Dude, they're pissed, what else would be the deal? Nobody knows that you two are sticking together yet. And I'm sure after whatever you guys just pulled, they're going to be even more into tracking you."
"So they're working together on this, or they're trying to handle it individually?"
And then I noticed what I should have noticed when I looked at Carly before. She looks off. Like something's wrong. I mean, something's wrong, but there's something else.
"Don't know, dude, but I seriously wouldn't be surprised if they decided to work together on this. Would you?"
I didn't bother saying anything, since the question was to Lauren, I just settled on trying to figure out why Carly was looking like that for.
I'd guess and what's going through her head, but I think considering the last couple of years, I'd rather know for sure. Just because second guessing each other hasn't gotten us very far.
Still, if I guessed...
No, forget it. Because it's not that.
"You okay?"
I'll worry about the rest in a minute.
Reply
Exactly. Now they're going to throw twice as much shit at us because we look like a threat to them. First and foremost, they want us dead. If they can't have dead, then they want us separated. They've seen what we can do together, and they probably wouldn't be opposed to losing the amount of men that they will when they take us out because then we'll be made an example of. The attachments clause is going to come back and kick us in the ass.
And maybe Sam hasn't thought about this yet, but we're going to be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. If we stay together, they won't stop coming at us until we're dead. Trying to find two people is a lot easier than trying to find one. At least if we separated we could get new identities and start over with other agencies.
I would have to go blonde, but I'd be a living one.
Sam is my weakness. He always has been, and he always will be. I'm pretty sure that he would say the same about me again, too. I just don't think that's anything to be proud of if it means that we're going to get each other killed. If Sam was with me, and something happened to him, then...I don't think this is a good idea.
"So they're working together on this, or they're trying to handle it individually?"
"Don't know, dude, but I seriously wouldn't be surprised if they decided to work together on this. Would you?"
"No. I can almost guarantee you that there are about two hundred people being briefed on this as we speak--with more being contacted by the minute."
I would have guessed three hundred. I'm surprised that Sam is even bothering to question it. He knows as well as I do that they're going to put as many people in the field on this as they can. The only reason why he isn't saying much of anything is because he doesn't want to admit how screwed we are.
"You okay?"
"No." I sighed and sat down on the couch, then immediately wished I hadn't. Who knows what the hell could be growing in this thing. "Are you?"
Maybe he'll realize what we're getting ourselves into if he stops and thinks about it for a minute. I don't know. He might not see anything wrong with this at all. Lauren doesn't seem to know what I'm talking about, I can see Sam deciding that I mean something else. And if he doesn't get it, I don't know how to tell him.
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"Probably more."
It's a totally serious deal, but I look at Sammy, and I don't see him freaking too much. Which I think is 'cause he thinks as long as he has The Snowflake, it's all cool, and they're going to make it out.
Which, dude, I know I'm not the only one thinking that kind of shit is usually reserved for the movies.
Sammy can usually be realistic pretty fast, but The Snowflake's got his mind clouded now, or something. You can even see him totally mentally dropping everything now because she looks off.
Like he doesn't know why.
"You okay?"
"No."
At least she's honest.
"Are you?"
He thinks he's going to be, I know that much. And I also know if she ditches him, he's dead. I'll totally do everything I can to help him, I'm supposed to, I'm his best friend.
But he will totally just... Unless he manages to shut down like I think she will, dude, he is just... So dead.
"This isn't the best day I've ever had, but I'm alive."
Classic Sammy.
"Dude, you need to get on thinking about what you guys are going to do."
Like... Soon.
"Right now, I'm sort of playing everything out as it's dealt Madsen, it's not like we were trained for this."
"I know, Sammy, but you two have to get your shit together." And everybody looks at me like I'm the dumb one all the time. "You're going to have some serious issues in the near future if you don't."
I should find out where everything is right now. I don't know how much they're going to tell me, considering my connection to Sammy, but if there's anything to find I should get it.
"I know."
"Then start thinking, dude. I really don't want to see you dead." And then I looked at The Snowflake. "... And just because it wouldn't be a cool thing for him... You too."
But only because it wouldn't be a cool thing for him. I know Crazy Lesbian Chick Lauren would put Sammy in the ground as fast as possible if she had her way. I'm not that bad.
... Not totally that bad.
"And while you're doing that, I'm going to call people and see what's up, okay?"
"Okay."
Dude, I know that look.
I'm walking out of the room so I don't have to look at that look.
That's the total 'light dawns on marble head' sorta 'oh, maybe things aren't as cool as I thought they might be' kinda look.
Totally don't want to stick around for what's coming next.
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That is one extremely high fucking road that Madsen is trying to take with her. I wonder if he knows that she's wearing a look pretty similar to the one she had on when she broke up with me. Carly may be a lot of things, but sometimes, she's just obvious.
But who could fault her for that? She married the enemy. All of her coworkers are going to come after her and try to take her out. Its kill or be killed now that they've caught her with Sam. And he has finally succeeded in ruining Carly's professional career.
Just like I said he would. Though I have to say, I thought this would end with a baby, not a bullet.
"And while you're doing that, I'm going to call people and see what's up, okay?"
"Okay."
This is pathetic on a level that's funny as hell, but Carly looks like she wants me to get out of here so...I'll stare at him for a second while I commit it to memory, and then find something to do.
"I'll help." Oh come on, don't look at me like that. "I don't want to be in here for this."
She's going to let him down easy. I know her better than to think that she would do anything else. Carly's hoping for minimal damage. A nice, clean break. They might not even be able to get a divorce if they're going to make a run for it. Changing their names will have to suffice.
I wonder if I could talk her into 'Madonna' this time.
It would be funny.
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And I'm thinking my guess as far as what's wrong was right after all.
So... I'm in trouble here. A lot of trouble.
I don't know what to do about that.
I looked at Carly for a long minute, reading some things in how she looked that I really didn't like. And it worried me. More than worried me, it actually scared me a little.
Doing this without her... I can't even picture it. At all. I don't know where I'd go, what I'd do, how the hell I'd keep from getting killed on my own, any of it.
I just don't know.
"I'll help."
She's just saying that because Carly wants her to go. Which... I'm really thankful for.
"I don't want to be in here for this."
How nice of you.
I waited until Madsen and Lauren got out of the room, and sat down on the couch, thinking. I felt like an idiot in the damn clothes I was wearing, but I'll wait a couple of minutes before I ask Madsen for a loan to last me until I can get something better.
Besides, I might just stick around here for a little while longer than I thought if my wife's going to leave me.
"So."
I wonder how this is supposed to work.
If she goes, I guess I'll run. I don't know what else to do. I'll have to change my name, get a different look I won't want to kill myself for, and start over again completely.
A new life altogether. After everything we've been through already, knowing full well that we still love each other, I'd go my way and she'd go hers. And you can't really come back from that once it's done, can you?
...
I can't do it.
I definitely don't know how.
"... Y'know, you had one hell of a right hook." I smiled, just enough, which was genuine. Anything else would have been completely fake by now. "I forgot to say something about that back at the house." That one that's in ruin right now.
I can't believe she's even considering leaving me.
I laughed, but it sounded on the weak side, and I sat up to try and act like it was going to be okay. "And some of that other stuff wasn't bad. Where'd you pick all that up?"
It won't be if she goes, but I'll say this now, I think it would be if she stayed. I think we could make a go of it, and I think it would work out.
She has to want to, though.
... Maybe I should stop avoiding this.
...
Not just yet.
A little while longer can't hurt.
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Thanks, Lauren. Make the unnecessary statement before you sneak off to listen in on the other side of the wall. Really, be a wise ass while my marriage is falling apart. It can't get much worse than this anyway. If we were dead, it would be over.
I don't want to die, but its true. If we had slept right through the bomb, we would be the assassins equivalent of Romeo and Juliet. And Madsen would be disappointed to lose his best friend, but he would still get to say that he called it when we were in high school.
We thought he was crazy back then, yet look where we are now.
"So."
...I don't think Sam and I have ever really been married. I mean, I know I love him. I know he loves me. Its just, there's more to it than that. We never communicated honestly, never went and did anything that we said we were going to do. Most of the things we did as a couple I hated, so I know there was no truth to any of that. This whole time, all these years, we've been lacking in follow through.
And that's a shame, because now its just too late.
"... Y'know, you had one hell of a right hook. I forgot to say something about that back at the house."
That's because we were busy trying to fight off the people who were trying to kill us, remember? The house is already gone, so unless we do something, we're next. And I know what he might be thinking, but we're too outnumbered for that.
I don't think we should be bothering. Everything was a lie. From both sides. There's no getting past that. Sam knows how I hold grudges. Its all he would hear for the rest of his life, however long or short it turned out to be.
"And some of that other stuff wasn't bad. Where'd you pick all that up?"
"Sam." Come on, stop making this worse. "We have to talk." He knows we do.
"I love you, but I think..." Don't look at me like that! "I think if we stayed together now we would be making a mistake."
I know we've made a lot of those, but its different now.
Don't ask me how, it just is.
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... I guess I can't avoid it anymore. Come on Carly, if you're leaving me, at least give me a couple of minutes of meaningless conversation.
"We have to talk."
Or not.
Christ, I really don't want to do this. And I can feel Madsen trying not to listen in the other room while he's on the phone. But I can't hear either one of them getting close to the door, so I guess they really are repsecting the situation.
Or maybe they just know we'll hear it if they decide to listen in.
I really don't want to talk right now.
"I love you, but I think..."
Oh God, isn't this subtle.
"I think if we stayed together now we would be making a mistake."
And there it is.
So what do I say? She's most of the way to making up her mind, I can see it. I can see her convincing herself that she's making the right choice.
I, of course, think she's wrong. Really wrong. I think we did fine getting out of the house today, and we could do fine after this. We're a good team. We fit. It's how it's supposed to be.
Sure, we screwed up before, and we've got some things to work out.
But so what? We just give up?
"Carly..."
Please.
"I don't see the benefit of splitting up." I really don't. And I'm going to try and handle this from the less emotional standpoint, because... I don't know. I go the other way, I'm going to freak the hell out.
"Look, back there, we covered for each other, and we did freakin' great. And it's not like we weren't outnumbered."
Right?
"We could be a hell of a lot better of a team than we would be apart. What happened before doesn't mean anything because it wasn't real."
She's not agreeing with any of this. And she's not budging. I'm not winning here. God damn it.
"... Look, we both screwed up, but not killing each other back there means something. And you just said you love me. And I know I love you." So much for not going the more emotional route. "It'll be rough, I'm not saying it won't be, but we could make it work."
And I want to. I really do.
"And don't tell me you wouldn't regret walking away every day of your life if you did it."
It isn't like I don't have experience on this freakin' subject. I know what it's like. I know what it's going to be like if we try to get out on our own.
Maybe she thinks that's simpler, but I don't see it. As far as I know, it really just gets worse as you go along.
"We could watch out for each other. It's better than being alone."
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I wouldn't regret it if he survived. The way things are now, if we stick together neither one of us is going to make it. At least if we go our separate ways the odds won't be against us so much. Sam's right, we did great back there. We took them all out.
Now that they know what we're capable of, they're just going to try harder. More manpower, bigger bombs, whatever it takes to get the job done. That's how I was trained, and I'm willing to bet its how Sam was trained too.
I know it would be hard to move past this on our own, but I think we could. I would miss Sam, but at least I would know that I did the right thing. Staying with him would be selfish, and it would get him hurt.
I think I've hurt him enough for one lifetime with all this crap, I really do.
"We could watch out for each other. It's better than being alone."
"Do you really want to watch them put a bullet in me, Sam? That's what you would be watching out for. And that's what would happen."
I don't even care if I'm the one who draws the short straw, I just don't want it to be Sam. Forget the argument that I would regret leaving him, I would regret staying a hell of a lot more if I turned out to be right about this.
I can handle being alone, I've done it before. When Sam left, I managed for years. What I can't handle is being responsible for his death because I didn't have the common sense to run like I fucking should have.
"Its never going to stop until that happens. So is that the life you want? The two of us looking over our shoulders until one of them has a good day?"
Any one on the team knows that killing us would be like winning the lottery. And I'm sure the price on our heads just went up, so we're becoming more and more popular by the minute.
"Its like I said. I love you, but I refuse to die for you."
That was a lie, but maybe if I get him mad enough he won't realize that more than anything else I'm afraid of him dying for me. Its all about getting him to the right angry place before he can do anything about it.
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"You don't know that."
For all we know, it could be me. And that's not even the point. She doesn't know for sure that's what's going to happen to us. She's assuming the worst because it looks bad.
Usually, that's my job. I assume it's all going to go to hell, and I bolt before anything could happen.
So if I'm the one who thinks we can make it for once, shouldn't that say something too?
"Its never going to stop until that happens. So is that the life you want? The two of us looking over our shoulders until one of them has a good day?"
"Wouldn't we be looking over our shoulders no matter what we did?" There's that, too. What difference does it really make? At least, if we're together, we won't be miserable in the process.
But they won't stop looking for us just because we split up. And we might do a good job of disappearing, but one of them could still wind up having a 'good day'.
"They'd still be coming for us, Carly, no matter what we wind up doing."
"Its like I said. I love you, but I refuse to die for you."
...
I stared at her, not saying anything, and for a second I almost completely bought it. And even when I started telling myself it's bullshit, a part of me still grabbed onto it.
"... You..."
I shook my head, sighing. "That's bullshit." I hope.
"... And even if it was true, you wouldn't be dying for me. They're still coming for us. No matter what we do, no matter how we do it, alone or together."
I'd like to see her start arguing with that.
"Our chances are still shit no matter what, and the likelihood that we're going to wind up dead is still there no matter what, and all this is going to do is make us fucking miserable."
I can't believe she thinks anythinge else. It doesn't make any sense. At all.
"And you know it. So you can't want this."
She just... She can't.
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Our odds of making it are still better if we split up. He can't just deny that because he doesn't like how it sounds. Its the truth. And we weren't even that great at working together. We just barely made it out alive this time.
If they want to waste their time and their resources chasing after us, they should have to at least suffer the inconvenience of splitting up their teams to get us both. I put in a lot of hours, and I want to at least cause that much trouble for them.
"Our chances are still shit no matter what, and the likelihood that we're going to wind up dead is still there no matter what, and all this is going to do is make us fucking miserable."
Miserable, but alive for longer. He keeps making sure to skip over that part! And the look he's giving me is just, damnit. Its the eyes. When Sam gets upset like this, they're the only thing that really clues me in to what he's feeling.
I could fight this so much easier if I didn't have to look at his face.
"And you know it. So you can't want this."
"Why can't I? Because you think I'll be miserable?"
God, I hate picking fights when he looks at me like that.
"News flash, Sam. Being married to you made me pretty fucking miserable for a long fucking time."
It wasn't his fault, and maybe it would be different now, but I don't want him to know that I'm thinking that. I want him to believe that this is hopeless and that he's better off without me.
I really do think that our marriage wouldn't have been bad if we had come clean with each other, but we're in over our heads. Staying like this isn't good for us. We would have to work at staying alive and getting to know each other at the same time. And we would do it until we failed at one of them.
I can tell him which one we would fail at, too.
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She will be. We both will be. And it won't work for us as well as she thinks it does. She's not doing either of us any favors, and it'll probably wind up just getting the both of us killed anyway.
So tell me where the benefit is, Carly.
"News flash, Sam. Being married to you made me pretty fucking miserable for a long fucking time."
...
There was nothing I could do about that. ... I meant, there was, but... She was doing the same thing.
We made each other miserable. But we could have gotten a divorce, or fucking killed each other a million different goddamn ways, and we didn't.
All these things happened that could have ended us ages ago, we stuck together.
Come on, it has to mean something. I can't take the idea of all of this just turning out to be for shit, worthless, and just... Just...
Fuck, I can't do this.
I can't. I just can't. Fuck.
"You know what? I don't fucking understand what the hell you're trying to do. I... I mean, you know what that was about. And you were doing the same exact thing, and I still want to stick with you. I love you, and I would fucking die for you, Carly."
It has to mean something. It can't be a bunch of worthless shit. I can't fucking deal with that.
"I'm sorry for lying to you. I really... I can't even say how much. I wish we hadn't pulled all this bullshit on each other. But I seriously think we're meant to stay together."
And she just...
"Can you seriously tell me you don't feel that way at all?"
She's looking at me like she doesn't care, and I keep thinking I see something else, and as soon as I start getting sure of it, it's gone again. I don't know what the hell I'm supposed to do to get it back again.
"Because if you did, you should have taken the fucking shot."
It would have saved the both of us a hell of a lot of time and trouble.
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Congratulations, Sam. You just hit on the one thing that scares me a lot more than the three hundred people who are going to come after us now.
I couldn't handle it if he died for me. It would be better if we just separated and never had contact with each other ever again, because at least that way I would know that I did what I could. I kept him out of harm's way as much as I was able to, and anything that happened after that...
Yeah, that would be almost as bad as losing him while we're together. I know that. Sam may think I'm being cold about this, but they blew up our house. We're wearing bowling uniforms. The only thing that's left for them to take from me is him, and while I personally wouldn't mind dying to be with him, the fact that Sam feels the same way is something I don't want to have to worry about.
"I'm sorry for lying to you. I really... I can't even say how much. I wish we hadn't pulled all this bullshit on each other. But I seriously think we're meant to stay together."
...
There's nothing that I can say to that. He knows that if I could go back, I would have told him the truth when I met him Rio. Getting out would have been easier back then, and I love my job, but I love Sam more. I think that goes without saying.
Doesn't it?
"Can you seriously tell me you don't feel that way at all?"
Alright, I guess it doesn't after all. Maybe its better if I go with it.
"Because if you did, you should have taken the fucking shot."
"Sam, come on, don't talk like that."
Even when I thought I really wanted him dead, I didn't. I just wanted him to be himself again. And that might not help us here, but its...I don't know. Regardless of what happens next, I think he should understand that taking the shot was never really an option for me.
Everything that I'm saying is because I want to keep him alive, not finish him off. I'd really like it if we could just never talk about the fucking shot ever again. We pushed each other to the edge, that's all it was about.
"This isn't the same thing."
This is the opposite. I don't care what he says. He's crazy if he thinks I'm trying to hurt him.
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"It's fucking true."
She can't pull back from talking like she was, and act like it's not true. All this shit about loving me, and then she goes this cold? No goddamn way she shouldn't have just shot me and gotten it over with.
I handed it to her. If that's supposed to be meaningless, then she should have pulled the trigger.
"This isn't the same thing."
"It's exactly the same fucking thing, Carly. You're saying you want to be done with me, shooting me really would have solved the issue. If you don't care now, you should have killed me then. But since you didn't, I don't know, I guess you'd be right and we're probably just wasting time here."
.... I hate thinking this way.
It's pretty logical, as far as I can tell. It's how we've been trained to think, and I'm thinking that we're both pretty good at it. Only now, one of us is turning out to be a hell of a lot better than the other.
"If you do care now," I hope you do. "And this is all... I don't know, because you're scared of what's going to happen? Then you're making a mistake, and living longer by doing it isn't going to change the fact that it's going to be hell to get through."
At least, not as far as I can tell.
And I need to hear one way or the other. Right now, while we're standing here, because if she really doesn't give a damn about me... Maybe I should get out of here after all.
If she doesn't love me enough for us to stay together, then I'm just going to go. There's no reason to stay if she really doesn't want me around.
"But I need to know which one it is. Alright? I need you to look me in the eye, and tell me for sure, without any hesitation or trying to make it nicer than it is and easier on me."
For better or worse.
... And now is really the wrong time to be getting reminded of wedding vows.
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