(no subject)
Its been a while since I updated, but I think I need to do one about whats going on with me at the moment. Jake and I are on a break. It was my choice because I am going through a bit of crisis of faith about our relationship. Things had started changing between Jake and I for a while now. We have been arguing more often than not, and small things Jake had been doing were beginning to bug the hell out of me - not his fault, but it did make things difficult. Long story short - I'm not sure if I am still IN love with Jake. Which is the reason we are on a break. To give me time to sort my head out.
I want to clarify one thing though. I do love Jake, I really do. I'm just not sure if I am still in love with him. This is the reason it is so difficult. We went on the break on Thursday which was about 3 days ago. And I really really miss Jake - which is what is making things so hard.....I have to decide if I miss Jake because he has been such a big part of my life for so long or if I miss him because I am still in love with him.
Jake has been really hurting about it all and that really sucks to. I know how much it is hurting him and it is breaking my heart knowing I am putting him through this.
I just wish I knew what to do....I love Jake, but if I'm not in love with him we live too far from each other and don't see each other often enough to fall back in love again. It is a really horrible way of thinking about it but it would be too much work for not enough time with each other. I would rather we were no longer together but good friends that went to visit each other occasionally than boyfriends that don't have fun when we are together.
I think that the other thing that is causing me trouble is the fact Jake is so stubborn sometimes. He has said to me on more than one occasion that he won't change for anyone. This makes having a relationship a tiny bit difficult - for me, relationships are all about adapting to each other's wants and needs and how each other lives. Adapting is all about change and unfortunately I am a little stubborn in that I don't like to be the only one to make changes to the way I am. Jake has always said that I should not change how I am for him either but again if our relationship is meant to work we both have to change for each other so we can become closer. And I'm not talking about massive changes either, small things that are of no real consequence. I know this is a petty thing but it is an example. I am very up on "masculine grooming"...I keep my body hair short, neat, etc etc. I do this because I am not a fan of body hair particularly in "personal areas". With this in mind, when Jake and I had been together about 4 months I brought up the subject of grooming with him. He pretty much point blank refused and we never talked about it again. I know its a small thing but it would make sex easier and more fun. And I know that makes me sound really shallow and terrible but there are other things as well.
Another thing is my need for space. I'm not one for needing it often. I love snuggling up. But when I am feeling claustrophobic I just have to have it. Jake doesn't always know when I need space and when I don't.
Bearing all this in mind I have done my usual thing when I go through relationship turmoil and done stuff to my hair. Its my defense mechanism and when I suggest to my best friend and hairdresser Jamie he automatically knew something was up. This is the before:
And this is how it looks now:
