(no subject)
A rose is made
up
of nestles and thorns
Each one can raise a pain
wished never ever born,
Along each stem a path is made
For us to bob and weave,
And even though a single prick
can leave us both in scorn
And makes it hard to breathe
What lies ahead
Makes each pain,
each little tiny thorn,
Both Miniscule in shape
And size
Is nothing to compare
to the awesome might of flower high
Of scent of love so true.
The prize you see,
A wedding band
That I will share with you
Even though I falter,
Here and here and there
The truth my dear, beyond reprise
Is that I will always care.
When I say I love you, I mean it from my heart
There is nothing in this world
That ill let tear us apart
I have a lot to work through,
With that I tell the truth
But I cannot think of anyone
To go with, than you
Even though my actions,
May seem false and crude
There is nothing in this world
I would not do for you
Travel please along me
Across this thorny stem
I promise you it will be worth it
On this flowers end
Just stand by me and guide me
And lend a helping hand,
And you will never ever find
A more loving doting man
Im really not good at poetry, but i think that this guy hit it on the head pretty well
I just had the most punch in the gut conversation ( i dont mean this in a sneaky fighting sort of way, but more in a, ow, wow, i cant beleive this is happening, kinda way.) well regardless, kathy and i, mostly i, have a lot to work through, as brought to evidence by my...subpar behavior during her trip.
Okay subpar was an understatement, i was a complete and utter ass to her the day before her trip and the days following, and i seriously cut down the amount of fun she had while on the trip due to rising stress levels. and thats what im here for, im making a public apology to all the folk down in texas, who, i inadvertately affected with my piss poor attitude.
Im sorry, really truly and deeply from my heart, i took what should have been a monmentous occasion and turned it into a bastardization of what it really should have been, by acting like an immature little prat i really fucked up big time kids, really really big time,i need to do some serious growing up in the next couple of days/weeks/months (quickly) i let my paranoias and shortcomings be projected onto kathy's trip which i had no right to do, none at all, and honestly im still amazed that shes with me, i really dont deserve her at all.
there really is no explanation for what i did, i acted selfish childish and arogant, to pretty much try to get my way, i was worried so much about texas, and how im not a part of that life, that i risked too much on the home front, and now i must rebuild.
Texas for me, is a huge, ungodly wild place, where i have no idea whats going on, and being a small town boy at heart, i kinda have a general distrust of the "big city" and its people, but that doesnt excuse my actions, i was unduly worried about kathy's safety and the possibility of her not returning, this was genuine worry, ive been left before (although not under these circumstances) unfourtunately the road for hell is built on good intentions, and my worries, which might have been harmless if they had remained in that stage, grew to fear, fear grew to paranoia, and eventually that became a strangle hold on both kathy and myself, and i began to stew in my own dark thoughts. I feel like such a dumbass when i write this, you know? its like, you can have an epithany at exactly the wrong moments, this information would have been really nice to have about two weeks ago, well hindsight is 20/20,
i began to notice a drifting in kathy and i, my own paranoia soon grew into anger, and with no way to release it, the anger grew slowly into a slow boiled rage. This unfourtunately spilled out towards kathy, she being the only person given real access to any emotion that goes on inside me. and i made a huge mistake, i allowed her and tammi's friend ship to spark jealousy in me, to be jealous of a woman who has nothing but a platonic relationship with the woman that i love, i dont have a friendship with anyone like these two feel for eachother, that is definite genuine love. and im jealous of that, not jealous of tammi, because now, (once again, really really late epithany) because tammi has EARNED the right to kathy's heart. but because i dont have that relationship with any one of my friends, i feel like they would sell me out at any god given minute. Im looking at tammi and kathys relationship, and thats what i want, only not platonic, i want the love that kathy and tammi have for eachother, but i want it for kathy and i, because if theres anyone in this world who deserves to be loved with such ferocity as a double dose of a powerful love, its kathy. And i suppose thats where my epithany left me, i see what i need to work on, the steps are fuzzy, leading up to that one goal, that perfect love, but ultimately its worth it, because without a doubt, kathy is worth it. SO thats where i begin folks, one plodding foot step in front of the other, ive worked my self into a kind of emotional rutt, its been so long since ive really explored my mind, explored my soul, that ive forgotten how. but i have faith, i have complete and utter faith that i can work this out, i can become perfect, i can learn to stop the hate inside me, not just the hate and fear that i project onto other people, but that self loatheing that starts it all. To love others one must truly love oneself, its funny i allways thought that was a crock of shit, but now i really see how it matters, its amazing what love will make you see..
there is nothing in this entire world like love, one moment you can be on top of the world, and then the next moment your lying on your face in the gutter, but you can never ever let go of love, honestly if you can hold onto that one person who says "i love you" and truly means it, then you can pull yourself up, if only for that person.
at the moment i dont really expect my words to do much good right now, what ive done is done, and i cant go back and change what i wish i could, but i can do something else, not quite as good, but to all of you reading this all of you that care, I will make Kathy happy, i will make myself happy, i will rebuild, and it will be more magnificent then ever before. and i can make a promise, that come next trip down to texas, i wont be sitting in Va, worrying, growing darker and darker as the days go by, as soon as kathy goes back down, ill be down there too, shaking hands and meeting everyone.
I honestly can say, i want to be a part of all of Kathy's life, and it took me 11 months and a horrible horrible conversation i hope i never have to have again to make me realize that i cant shelter her here in Va, Kathy needs texas just like i need kathy, and because of that, im eager to become part of texas too, if you understand...
once again, im sorry for any misery/inconvienance or just plan not funness that i caused by being a complete and utter douche in the last nine or ten days. And now im off to sleep, because tomarrow starts the long path to self discovery, and from there, onto fixing my flaws. But actions speak louder than words, and kathy and i will keep you updated on my progress, please, send me all the good thoughts / prayers / and love that you can, im going to need it to do this.
i love kathy, deeply. and fully.
Mat
Ps: Kathy, misty, and tammi, please do me a favor and copy and paste this post into your ljs, sadly you are the only dallas based readers of mine and if no one sees this, no one that my actions hurt, then it was just words, but if this can make one person feel better about anything in the last nine days, then i didnt do my job, but at least i started it.
up
of nestles and thorns
Each one can raise a pain
wished never ever born,
Along each stem a path is made
For us to bob and weave,
And even though a single prick
can leave us both in scorn
And makes it hard to breathe
What lies ahead
Makes each pain,
each little tiny thorn,
Both Miniscule in shape
And size
Is nothing to compare
to the awesome might of flower high
Of scent of love so true.
The prize you see,
A wedding band
That I will share with you
Even though I falter,
Here and here and there
The truth my dear, beyond reprise
Is that I will always care.
When I say I love you, I mean it from my heart
There is nothing in this world
That ill let tear us apart
I have a lot to work through,
With that I tell the truth
But I cannot think of anyone
To go with, than you
Even though my actions,
May seem false and crude
There is nothing in this world
I would not do for you
Travel please along me
Across this thorny stem
I promise you it will be worth it
On this flowers end
Just stand by me and guide me
And lend a helping hand,
And you will never ever find
A more loving doting man
Im really not good at poetry, but i think that this guy hit it on the head pretty well
I just had the most punch in the gut conversation ( i dont mean this in a sneaky fighting sort of way, but more in a, ow, wow, i cant beleive this is happening, kinda way.) well regardless, kathy and i, mostly i, have a lot to work through, as brought to evidence by my...subpar behavior during her trip.
Okay subpar was an understatement, i was a complete and utter ass to her the day before her trip and the days following, and i seriously cut down the amount of fun she had while on the trip due to rising stress levels. and thats what im here for, im making a public apology to all the folk down in texas, who, i inadvertately affected with my piss poor attitude.
Im sorry, really truly and deeply from my heart, i took what should have been a monmentous occasion and turned it into a bastardization of what it really should have been, by acting like an immature little prat i really fucked up big time kids, really really big time,i need to do some serious growing up in the next couple of days/weeks/months (quickly) i let my paranoias and shortcomings be projected onto kathy's trip which i had no right to do, none at all, and honestly im still amazed that shes with me, i really dont deserve her at all.
there really is no explanation for what i did, i acted selfish childish and arogant, to pretty much try to get my way, i was worried so much about texas, and how im not a part of that life, that i risked too much on the home front, and now i must rebuild.
Texas for me, is a huge, ungodly wild place, where i have no idea whats going on, and being a small town boy at heart, i kinda have a general distrust of the "big city" and its people, but that doesnt excuse my actions, i was unduly worried about kathy's safety and the possibility of her not returning, this was genuine worry, ive been left before (although not under these circumstances) unfourtunately the road for hell is built on good intentions, and my worries, which might have been harmless if they had remained in that stage, grew to fear, fear grew to paranoia, and eventually that became a strangle hold on both kathy and myself, and i began to stew in my own dark thoughts. I feel like such a dumbass when i write this, you know? its like, you can have an epithany at exactly the wrong moments, this information would have been really nice to have about two weeks ago, well hindsight is 20/20,
i began to notice a drifting in kathy and i, my own paranoia soon grew into anger, and with no way to release it, the anger grew slowly into a slow boiled rage. This unfourtunately spilled out towards kathy, she being the only person given real access to any emotion that goes on inside me. and i made a huge mistake, i allowed her and tammi's friend ship to spark jealousy in me, to be jealous of a woman who has nothing but a platonic relationship with the woman that i love, i dont have a friendship with anyone like these two feel for eachother, that is definite genuine love. and im jealous of that, not jealous of tammi, because now, (once again, really really late epithany) because tammi has EARNED the right to kathy's heart. but because i dont have that relationship with any one of my friends, i feel like they would sell me out at any god given minute. Im looking at tammi and kathys relationship, and thats what i want, only not platonic, i want the love that kathy and tammi have for eachother, but i want it for kathy and i, because if theres anyone in this world who deserves to be loved with such ferocity as a double dose of a powerful love, its kathy. And i suppose thats where my epithany left me, i see what i need to work on, the steps are fuzzy, leading up to that one goal, that perfect love, but ultimately its worth it, because without a doubt, kathy is worth it. SO thats where i begin folks, one plodding foot step in front of the other, ive worked my self into a kind of emotional rutt, its been so long since ive really explored my mind, explored my soul, that ive forgotten how. but i have faith, i have complete and utter faith that i can work this out, i can become perfect, i can learn to stop the hate inside me, not just the hate and fear that i project onto other people, but that self loatheing that starts it all. To love others one must truly love oneself, its funny i allways thought that was a crock of shit, but now i really see how it matters, its amazing what love will make you see..
there is nothing in this entire world like love, one moment you can be on top of the world, and then the next moment your lying on your face in the gutter, but you can never ever let go of love, honestly if you can hold onto that one person who says "i love you" and truly means it, then you can pull yourself up, if only for that person.
at the moment i dont really expect my words to do much good right now, what ive done is done, and i cant go back and change what i wish i could, but i can do something else, not quite as good, but to all of you reading this all of you that care, I will make Kathy happy, i will make myself happy, i will rebuild, and it will be more magnificent then ever before. and i can make a promise, that come next trip down to texas, i wont be sitting in Va, worrying, growing darker and darker as the days go by, as soon as kathy goes back down, ill be down there too, shaking hands and meeting everyone.
I honestly can say, i want to be a part of all of Kathy's life, and it took me 11 months and a horrible horrible conversation i hope i never have to have again to make me realize that i cant shelter her here in Va, Kathy needs texas just like i need kathy, and because of that, im eager to become part of texas too, if you understand...
once again, im sorry for any misery/inconvienance or just plan not funness that i caused by being a complete and utter douche in the last nine or ten days. And now im off to sleep, because tomarrow starts the long path to self discovery, and from there, onto fixing my flaws. But actions speak louder than words, and kathy and i will keep you updated on my progress, please, send me all the good thoughts / prayers / and love that you can, im going to need it to do this.
i love kathy, deeply. and fully.
Mat
Ps: Kathy, misty, and tammi, please do me a favor and copy and paste this post into your ljs, sadly you are the only dallas based readers of mine and if no one sees this, no one that my actions hurt, then it was just words, but if this can make one person feel better about anything in the last nine days, then i didnt do my job, but at least i started it.