Hole Hearted
Wow, there's a song from days gone by. Who even sang it? For some reason Extreme (or was it Xtreme) jumps to mind. Was it their follow-up to "More Than Words"? I remember a friend of a friend arguing that that song was supposed to be satire. I thought he gave the band too much credit. Millions of teenagers all thought it was a love song. Was it pure cheese, or a sly but subtle spoof? Does it matter if it makes your stomach turn either way?
Well, none of that changes this emptiness.
I am well aware of how much I sound like a broken record. However, I do believe that love is a requirement for life. It is a need not a want or a nice distraction. It is required to be complete.
I do not believe that one must always be in love, or that you cannot be happy single. It must be a choice though, and it must come with the knowledge that it is not an innevitable position. In other words, one can be happy single if he/she believes that love is still available. They have experienced past love and know that the future holds possibilities.
My last entry here concerned my negative reaction to what should have been good news. I've been questioning myself and examining why I seemingly cannot accept good things happening to me. In the end, I have two theories.
The first is something I have been haunted by for as long as I can remember. It is a severe feeling of guilt. Ever since I was very young, I have felt guilty whenever something good happened to me. I do have trouble being happy for myself because I immediately question whether I am deserving. I have an irrational fear that others will think poorly of me or see me as undeserving of success. I recall in school, I would often hope that I would not win a contest or game for fear another student would be disappointed.
The second reason I reacted so poorly was, of course, love. Yet once again, I am in the process of watching someone I have feelings for slowly back away and excuse herself from my life. It hurts. It is the worst feeling in the world, and it taints everything else. By finding fault with the only good news I have received in the last few months, I could be upset and rant. The minor disappointment became the lightning rod for all the horrible feelings of loneliness and rejection building inside me.
I hate what is going on. I hate my life.
Love has never come calling for me. If just once I could feel my affections being returned in kind, I would know that being alone wasn't the end of the world because if love finds you once it can find you a second time.
What if love never finds you?
What if it only hurts and never heals?
To be perpetually alone is impossible. I cannot live this way.
I will not live this way.
I'd rather die than spend forever alone.