Mr. Pessimistic For President 2008
Anyone who read my last campaign in 2004 might be saying, "again?". Yes, again. Sure all of my previous policies are still intact, but now there's even more, and they're even better.
The Elections are coming up and I've come to the realization that I don't like any of the candidates running. I think the country has seen enough of the retarded republicans so I won't even get into that. Right now I'll just focus on the limp-wristed liberal democrats.
Hillary Clinton
Come on now, a woman president? It's not that I'm a shovanist...ok, I am a shovanist. But let me list off some of the reasons why a woman should never be president.
1. They'll spend more time complaining about how it's too hot or too cold during press conferences.
2. If a national crisis occurs during the middle of the night, she won't be able to address the situation right away because she'll need at least two hours to get ready.
3. We'll be at some random war 5 days out of every month.
4. I don't like to imagine what my president would be like in the sack, and if they spit or swallow.
5. Women belong in one place, and it's called a kitchen.
I could go on and on, but we all know women shouldn't be running anything but a vacuum cleaner, so I don't really need to continue. Next.
Barack Obama
A black president sounds pretty good to me right now for some reason. But I have only one problem, the mother fucker ain't black.
If I'm going to vote for a black guy, I want a Colt 45 drinkin', dick slangin', gang bangin' thug who keeps "dat glock in his drawers" and rides in a '64 Impala...or Mr. T. Any time he talks it should be in rhyme, and he should always say "Know what I'm sayin'" any time there's a pause in his speeches. I see none of this, all I see is a white guy with a 3rd dregree tan.
Where's the Du-rag? Where's the Rocawear? Where's the bling? Where's the gold chains and the big clock? I have never once seen the man carrying in a 40 oz. Fuck that motherfucker, he frontin' yo. If Barack wants my vote, he needs a ghetto makeover, much like this.
So that's that. The candidates this term are all worthless, know what I'm sayin'? So I've decided to run myself, know what I'm sayin'?
And here are a few things that I plan on taking care of.
Liberals
Since I started bashing them to begin with, I'll go ahead and finish Liberals are assholes. They say they want freedom but ask the government to babysit us. They say they want equality but do everything in their power to destroy religion. Not that I personally give a fuck about religion, but last time I checked being able to bible thump was a freedom, and to disallow such thumping would thus eliminate equality. So basically they're all walking contradictions. I also don't care much about equality, so eliminating Liberals will be right and just after I'm your president. But what about freedom you ask? They'll still be free to be Liberals, they'll just be executed because of it. But here's a list of few things that will help you sniff out a Liberal, which you can then turn them in to your local authorities for immediate disposal. Or to find out if you yourself are a Liberal, which you can either go into hiding, or change your tone real quick-like before you get obliterated. Most are stolen, one I made up, but all are accurate.
So in the style of that pig fucking Jeff Foxworthy:
YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL IF...
1. Your father wore flowers and your mother wore army boots in the sixties.
2. You think the government can solve your personal problems
3. You think the answer to any crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.
5. You think a criminal has more rights than the police who arrest him, unless the crime is sexual harassment or racism.
6. You had to be told that “Manhattan,” “menopause” and “boycott” were not sexist words.
7. Your idea of hell is having to mind your own business and not meddle in other people's lives.
8. You think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists.
9. You think free love is sheik and still wonder why your third marriage just went down the shitter.
10. You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure.
11. You think the second amendment is the right to keep and bear a white flag.
12. You begin sentences with the words “I feel.”
13. You have ever said out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
14. You think that teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution".
15. You don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they "won't do the right thing".
16. You think that lowering the standards for school children is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is "mean spirited".
16. You complain that your community has too many white people and the Catholic church doesn't have enough ethnicity, but you're the first one with a for sale sign in your yard when blacks start moving in.
17. You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.
18. You blame the Unabomber’s parents.
19. You cry your eyes out at the thought of baby seals getting clubbed, but the thought of an unborn baby getting cut out of a woman's pussy doesn't even make you bat an eye.
And last but not least, You Might Be a Liberal if...
20.Your FIVE-YEAR-OLD tells YOU what to do!
War
I'm not going to worry everyone with the War. I'll first start off by bringing every American soldier home, and doing what should have been done in every war, total domination and elimination of the entire opposing population. And by opposing I mean everyone that's not us. We will bomb the shit out of every country on earth and dominate the entire world. Some of you may think that's a little bit Hitler-ish, but in the long run it works for the best. Billions may die, but if we turn the world into one huge country that I run, then there will be no other dictators to oppose of my supreme power. That's the only way you hippies will ever get your life long pipe dream that you call "world peace". In conclusion, there will be no future wars, and no more deaths. That's what we smartums like to call sacrifice.
Cyclists
Don't you just hate it when you're driving down the street and some asshole with wedgie tight bike shorts and a shark fin helmet is hogging the road on his 20 speed? These fuckheads usually go no more than 15 mph in the middle of the road while you have to swerve them to avoid a hitting them and facing a big lawsuit, but instead you smash into the family of four in the other lane and face an even bigger lawsuit. There's a place for people to ride their shitty bicycles, it's called a sidewalk, no one uses sidewalks for walking anymore, they either drive or ride a God damned bike. So you fitness fags had better start using the fucker. Anyone caught riding their bike on the street will be punished by death. Striking them with your car is encouraged, and a possible reward may be granted for stopping these hardened criminals.
Personal Choice and Responsibility
Public smoking will go back into effect, Supersizing will be implemented back into McDonalds' menus, marijuana will be legal yet again, and any simple pleasure that has been taken away from us in the past by people who want to protect us from ourselves will be legalized again. Drugs stores will have an entirely new meaning. No longer will you be sued because some retard snuck in your back yard and had his ass eaten off by your dog. No longer will you be blamed for what other people have done to themselves when all you did was provide the possibility for them to do it. Are you fat? Guess what, that's your own God damn fault, sue yourself. No one forced you to eat double cheeseburgers and buckets of cookie dough ice cream. Did you get lung cancer from smoking? Cigarettes didn't give you cancer, you gave it to yourself. You get the drift yet? Health Nazis, Finger pointers, do-gooders, busy bodies, and the "let's ban this because I don't like it" type will no longer have any clout after I'm president. Instead they will be chastised, castrated, and banished from the land!
Cigarettes
Since I mentioned cigarettes already, I'll go into full detail on what I plan on doing with them. I'm sure by now you've noticed that the economy is going to shit in this country And you've noticed that a lot of states and cities are banning smoking indoors and stupid organizations like "truth" are scaring people into quitting. A coinkidink? I think not.
Cigarettes make the God damn world go round. They're bigger than Britney Spears, New Kids on the Block, American Idol, and Barry Manilow put together. This once great nation flourished on the sale of tobacco alone. Did you know that tobacco plants used to only grow in America? That's right. Before Christopher Columbus came to America and fairly traded the Indians pretty beads for all of this land we live on today, tobacco didn't grow anywhere else in the world. Why? Because America has the biggest balls, and Chris knew this. He tried bringing some tobacco plants back to Europe in hopes that it would grow a pair of balls at least half the size of ours, but their sissy soil only made for sissy tobacco, the kind that doesn't even give you cancer. That's why over there they call them fags. So Chris came back to the Americas and singlehandedly defeated the Native Americans with the dreaded Yakuza kick. But regardless, the whole world now grows tobacco and everyone is happy, except of course the moral police.
Well here's something that the moral police might not like. Everything that has to do with smoking will be legal again, T.V. commercials, bulletin board ads, Camel Joe, you name it, it'll be legal. And I'm changing the legal age to smoke to 5 yeard old, or 3 if you're with a parent.
Florida
This is like hitting two birds with one stone. Florida is nothing but the useless flaccid limped dick of America. A dick where half the people don't know a word of English, and the other half are nothing but old people and their fucking parents. After I'm your leader, Florida will be cut off at the border and shifted right where it belongs, next to Cuba, and of course Floridians will be forbidden to vote like they should have been in the first place. Think about it, the illegal immigrant population would drop at least 50%. So if you like Florida, you'd better move there soon, because Americans will not be permitted to visit it any longer. And if you live in Florida but plan on going anywhere else in the country you'd better move out, because anyone caught trying to come back from Florida will be shot on sight, and I will personally rape and kill your entire family. Here is an example of what Florida might look like after you elect me.
The Sun
If you think about it, the sun is pretty useless now. You don't need it to tan anymore, tanning salons have taken care of that. We can use sun lamps to grow crops and trees for food and oxygen, as well as for you worthless pussies that use sun lamps to keep yourself from slitting your wrists. So think about it, what good is the sun when we have the technology to replace it? It's only going to engulf the Earth in several billion years anyway, and as we all know it's the major culprit for global warming. How, you ask? Well think about this; If there were no sun, we could run factories all day long and not have to worry because the sun wouldn't be bringing in any heat for the pollution to hold in. So eliminating now it would be best for all of mankind. Can you imagine how great Earth would be without the hot ass sun? No more heat strokes, no more having to peel your balls off your inner thigh, you'll never have to deal with those bastard children in your neighborhood selling crappy lemonade for $2 a glass, people will never have to look at you in those ridiculous sunglasses you paid $150 for, etc. You ever have to drive against the sun? Sucks doesn't it? Well imagine not having to worry about that anymore after I'm president, along with endless problems and discomforts that the sun causes. This problem will be taken care of immediately. I've made up a plan to show you just exactly how I'll handle this situation.
See? It's fuckin simple.
The Elderly
Since I was on the subject of useless things, lets start with old people. Face it, they've lived their lives as fully as they can. Once their peak has been reached it's all downhill from there. I've always seen old people as talking babies, which is a bad mix. That is why I'm passing a law that will require old people to be put to sleep at a certain age or once they're unable to take care of themselves, whichever comes first. Think of all the money that would be saved on Depends, medication, dentures, moth balls, wheelchairs, walkers, canes, and all that other shit by just accepting fate. Instead, we could use that money for their grandchildren's education. The percentage of automobile accidents would drop dramatically, and much like Floridans, an elderly person's vote is about as worthless as fallopian tubes on a dyke.
Look at it like this, when your dog gets too old and unhealthy, what do you do? Put it to sleep. When someone gets pregnant and doesn't want the baby, what usually happens? Abortion (About equivalent to putting it to sleep) So why do old people get to suck up our resources? Little Sparky had to be put down because it was cheaper to kill him rather than buying medicine for his arthritis. Suzy the walking sperm bank just had her triplets cut out from her cunt because she was too lazy to take care of them, so what makes old people so fucking special? They're nothing but a breathing corpse, and we're going to need that oxygen, trust me. They don't have anything else to live for, and can't be a productive member of society because they can't get up to do anything without breaking their hip. It's time to go geezers, out with the old, in with the new. I know I'll have their votes, they want to die anyway, there's just no one else willing to put them out of their misery.
Cameras
Remember when you used to be able to moon or flash people without worrying that you might be under surveillance or some dipshit with a cameraphone could be snapping pictures or recording you? Or how about when you could run a red light and only get a ticket if a cop saw you do it? I sure the fuck do. Camera's have done nothing useful for society other than giving us crotch shots of female celebrities which I humbly admit that I masturbate to on a constant basis. But even as your new leader I am willing to sacrifice a few things that I love for your mooning, flashing, and red light running pleasure.
I figure this will be the hardest task to complete since you cock smokers will have a difficult time getting rid of your Iphones and camcorders, so I will start the Anti-Camera Coalition, which will air on Thursdays at 10pm Central time after Lost.
Abortion and Execution
I will make all forms of execution legal again, from beheading to the electric chair. Except for lethal injection, because that shit is for pussies. For abortion, I will change the legal age to abort babies to five years old. And they will both be telivised on the Disney Channel.
Retards
There's only one place for retards, and that's called a circus, that's all.
Starving Children Not From America
Eat this.
I know you'll make the right choice. Vote for Freedom, vote for Liberty, vote for Mr. Pessimistic.
The Elections are coming up and I've come to the realization that I don't like any of the candidates running. I think the country has seen enough of the retarded republicans so I won't even get into that. Right now I'll just focus on the limp-wristed liberal democrats.
Hillary Clinton
Come on now, a woman president? It's not that I'm a shovanist...ok, I am a shovanist. But let me list off some of the reasons why a woman should never be president.
1. They'll spend more time complaining about how it's too hot or too cold during press conferences.
2. If a national crisis occurs during the middle of the night, she won't be able to address the situation right away because she'll need at least two hours to get ready.
3. We'll be at some random war 5 days out of every month.
4. I don't like to imagine what my president would be like in the sack, and if they spit or swallow.
5. Women belong in one place, and it's called a kitchen.
I could go on and on, but we all know women shouldn't be running anything but a vacuum cleaner, so I don't really need to continue. Next.
Barack Obama
A black president sounds pretty good to me right now for some reason. But I have only one problem, the mother fucker ain't black.
If I'm going to vote for a black guy, I want a Colt 45 drinkin', dick slangin', gang bangin' thug who keeps "dat glock in his drawers" and rides in a '64 Impala...or Mr. T. Any time he talks it should be in rhyme, and he should always say "Know what I'm sayin'" any time there's a pause in his speeches. I see none of this, all I see is a white guy with a 3rd dregree tan.
Where's the Du-rag? Where's the Rocawear? Where's the bling? Where's the gold chains and the big clock? I have never once seen the man carrying in a 40 oz. Fuck that motherfucker, he frontin' yo. If Barack wants my vote, he needs a ghetto makeover, much like this.
So that's that. The candidates this term are all worthless, know what I'm sayin'? So I've decided to run myself, know what I'm sayin'?
And here are a few things that I plan on taking care of.
Liberals
Since I started bashing them to begin with, I'll go ahead and finish Liberals are assholes. They say they want freedom but ask the government to babysit us. They say they want equality but do everything in their power to destroy religion. Not that I personally give a fuck about religion, but last time I checked being able to bible thump was a freedom, and to disallow such thumping would thus eliminate equality. So basically they're all walking contradictions. I also don't care much about equality, so eliminating Liberals will be right and just after I'm your president. But what about freedom you ask? They'll still be free to be Liberals, they'll just be executed because of it. But here's a list of few things that will help you sniff out a Liberal, which you can then turn them in to your local authorities for immediate disposal. Or to find out if you yourself are a Liberal, which you can either go into hiding, or change your tone real quick-like before you get obliterated. Most are stolen, one I made up, but all are accurate.
So in the style of that pig fucking Jeff Foxworthy:
YOU MIGHT BE A LIBERAL IF...
1. Your father wore flowers and your mother wore army boots in the sixties.
2. You think the government can solve your personal problems
3. You think the answer to any crime, infraction, or injustice is counseling.
5. You think a criminal has more rights than the police who arrest him, unless the crime is sexual harassment or racism.
6. You had to be told that “Manhattan,” “menopause” and “boycott” were not sexist words.
7. Your idea of hell is having to mind your own business and not meddle in other people's lives.
8. You think that pouring blood on a $1,500 fur coat is a sure-fire way to get your message across, but if anyone protests outside an abortion clinic, they're extremists.
9. You think free love is sheik and still wonder why your third marriage just went down the shitter.
10. You wear a red ribbon to show your support for a cure for AIDS but oppose all animal experimentation needed to find that cure.
11. You think the second amendment is the right to keep and bear a white flag.
12. You begin sentences with the words “I feel.”
13. You have ever said out loud, “Why can’t we all just get along?”
14. You think that teenager's sexual behavior is uncontrollable, but hardened violent criminals should be released on parole after serving a cut sentence in a "correctional institution".
15. You don't want the Christian Right imposing their morality on you, but you want to impose big government on everyone else because they "won't do the right thing".
16. You think that lowering the standards for school children is compassionate but holding them to high educational standards is "mean spirited".
16. You complain that your community has too many white people and the Catholic church doesn't have enough ethnicity, but you're the first one with a for sale sign in your yard when blacks start moving in.
17. You scream if a CEO sleeps with an employee but think that Clinton receiveing oral sex from an Intern is just fine.
18. You blame the Unabomber’s parents.
19. You cry your eyes out at the thought of baby seals getting clubbed, but the thought of an unborn baby getting cut out of a woman's pussy doesn't even make you bat an eye.
And last but not least, You Might Be a Liberal if...
20.Your FIVE-YEAR-OLD tells YOU what to do!
War
I'm not going to worry everyone with the War. I'll first start off by bringing every American soldier home, and doing what should have been done in every war, total domination and elimination of the entire opposing population. And by opposing I mean everyone that's not us. We will bomb the shit out of every country on earth and dominate the entire world. Some of you may think that's a little bit Hitler-ish, but in the long run it works for the best. Billions may die, but if we turn the world into one huge country that I run, then there will be no other dictators to oppose of my supreme power. That's the only way you hippies will ever get your life long pipe dream that you call "world peace". In conclusion, there will be no future wars, and no more deaths. That's what we smartums like to call sacrifice.
Cyclists
Don't you just hate it when you're driving down the street and some asshole with wedgie tight bike shorts and a shark fin helmet is hogging the road on his 20 speed? These fuckheads usually go no more than 15 mph in the middle of the road while you have to swerve them to avoid a hitting them and facing a big lawsuit, but instead you smash into the family of four in the other lane and face an even bigger lawsuit. There's a place for people to ride their shitty bicycles, it's called a sidewalk, no one uses sidewalks for walking anymore, they either drive or ride a God damned bike. So you fitness fags had better start using the fucker. Anyone caught riding their bike on the street will be punished by death. Striking them with your car is encouraged, and a possible reward may be granted for stopping these hardened criminals.
Personal Choice and Responsibility
Public smoking will go back into effect, Supersizing will be implemented back into McDonalds' menus, marijuana will be legal yet again, and any simple pleasure that has been taken away from us in the past by people who want to protect us from ourselves will be legalized again. Drugs stores will have an entirely new meaning. No longer will you be sued because some retard snuck in your back yard and had his ass eaten off by your dog. No longer will you be blamed for what other people have done to themselves when all you did was provide the possibility for them to do it. Are you fat? Guess what, that's your own God damn fault, sue yourself. No one forced you to eat double cheeseburgers and buckets of cookie dough ice cream. Did you get lung cancer from smoking? Cigarettes didn't give you cancer, you gave it to yourself. You get the drift yet? Health Nazis, Finger pointers, do-gooders, busy bodies, and the "let's ban this because I don't like it" type will no longer have any clout after I'm president. Instead they will be chastised, castrated, and banished from the land!
Cigarettes
Since I mentioned cigarettes already, I'll go into full detail on what I plan on doing with them. I'm sure by now you've noticed that the economy is going to shit in this country And you've noticed that a lot of states and cities are banning smoking indoors and stupid organizations like "truth" are scaring people into quitting. A coinkidink? I think not.
Cigarettes make the God damn world go round. They're bigger than Britney Spears, New Kids on the Block, American Idol, and Barry Manilow put together. This once great nation flourished on the sale of tobacco alone. Did you know that tobacco plants used to only grow in America? That's right. Before Christopher Columbus came to America and fairly traded the Indians pretty beads for all of this land we live on today, tobacco didn't grow anywhere else in the world. Why? Because America has the biggest balls, and Chris knew this. He tried bringing some tobacco plants back to Europe in hopes that it would grow a pair of balls at least half the size of ours, but their sissy soil only made for sissy tobacco, the kind that doesn't even give you cancer. That's why over there they call them fags. So Chris came back to the Americas and singlehandedly defeated the Native Americans with the dreaded Yakuza kick. But regardless, the whole world now grows tobacco and everyone is happy, except of course the moral police.
Well here's something that the moral police might not like. Everything that has to do with smoking will be legal again, T.V. commercials, bulletin board ads, Camel Joe, you name it, it'll be legal. And I'm changing the legal age to smoke to 5 yeard old, or 3 if you're with a parent.
Florida
This is like hitting two birds with one stone. Florida is nothing but the useless flaccid limped dick of America. A dick where half the people don't know a word of English, and the other half are nothing but old people and their fucking parents. After I'm your leader, Florida will be cut off at the border and shifted right where it belongs, next to Cuba, and of course Floridians will be forbidden to vote like they should have been in the first place. Think about it, the illegal immigrant population would drop at least 50%. So if you like Florida, you'd better move there soon, because Americans will not be permitted to visit it any longer. And if you live in Florida but plan on going anywhere else in the country you'd better move out, because anyone caught trying to come back from Florida will be shot on sight, and I will personally rape and kill your entire family. Here is an example of what Florida might look like after you elect me.
The Sun
If you think about it, the sun is pretty useless now. You don't need it to tan anymore, tanning salons have taken care of that. We can use sun lamps to grow crops and trees for food and oxygen, as well as for you worthless pussies that use sun lamps to keep yourself from slitting your wrists. So think about it, what good is the sun when we have the technology to replace it? It's only going to engulf the Earth in several billion years anyway, and as we all know it's the major culprit for global warming. How, you ask? Well think about this; If there were no sun, we could run factories all day long and not have to worry because the sun wouldn't be bringing in any heat for the pollution to hold in. So eliminating now it would be best for all of mankind. Can you imagine how great Earth would be without the hot ass sun? No more heat strokes, no more having to peel your balls off your inner thigh, you'll never have to deal with those bastard children in your neighborhood selling crappy lemonade for $2 a glass, people will never have to look at you in those ridiculous sunglasses you paid $150 for, etc. You ever have to drive against the sun? Sucks doesn't it? Well imagine not having to worry about that anymore after I'm president, along with endless problems and discomforts that the sun causes. This problem will be taken care of immediately. I've made up a plan to show you just exactly how I'll handle this situation.
See? It's fuckin simple.
The Elderly
Since I was on the subject of useless things, lets start with old people. Face it, they've lived their lives as fully as they can. Once their peak has been reached it's all downhill from there. I've always seen old people as talking babies, which is a bad mix. That is why I'm passing a law that will require old people to be put to sleep at a certain age or once they're unable to take care of themselves, whichever comes first. Think of all the money that would be saved on Depends, medication, dentures, moth balls, wheelchairs, walkers, canes, and all that other shit by just accepting fate. Instead, we could use that money for their grandchildren's education. The percentage of automobile accidents would drop dramatically, and much like Floridans, an elderly person's vote is about as worthless as fallopian tubes on a dyke.
Look at it like this, when your dog gets too old and unhealthy, what do you do? Put it to sleep. When someone gets pregnant and doesn't want the baby, what usually happens? Abortion (About equivalent to putting it to sleep) So why do old people get to suck up our resources? Little Sparky had to be put down because it was cheaper to kill him rather than buying medicine for his arthritis. Suzy the walking sperm bank just had her triplets cut out from her cunt because she was too lazy to take care of them, so what makes old people so fucking special? They're nothing but a breathing corpse, and we're going to need that oxygen, trust me. They don't have anything else to live for, and can't be a productive member of society because they can't get up to do anything without breaking their hip. It's time to go geezers, out with the old, in with the new. I know I'll have their votes, they want to die anyway, there's just no one else willing to put them out of their misery.
Cameras
Remember when you used to be able to moon or flash people without worrying that you might be under surveillance or some dipshit with a cameraphone could be snapping pictures or recording you? Or how about when you could run a red light and only get a ticket if a cop saw you do it? I sure the fuck do. Camera's have done nothing useful for society other than giving us crotch shots of female celebrities which I humbly admit that I masturbate to on a constant basis. But even as your new leader I am willing to sacrifice a few things that I love for your mooning, flashing, and red light running pleasure.
I figure this will be the hardest task to complete since you cock smokers will have a difficult time getting rid of your Iphones and camcorders, so I will start the Anti-Camera Coalition, which will air on Thursdays at 10pm Central time after Lost.
Abortion and Execution
I will make all forms of execution legal again, from beheading to the electric chair. Except for lethal injection, because that shit is for pussies. For abortion, I will change the legal age to abort babies to five years old. And they will both be telivised on the Disney Channel.
Retards
There's only one place for retards, and that's called a circus, that's all.
Starving Children Not From America
Eat this.
I know you'll make the right choice. Vote for Freedom, vote for Liberty, vote for Mr. Pessimistic.