Rat Races and Pube Crawls
Why is this Electric Bastard just so gosh darned happy about Primary Season?
Because, my snarklings, ever since I started calling the Republicans “Pubes,” and the Democrats “Rats,” I’ve been waiting for a nice democrat-only political contest that I could refer to, predictably, as the Rat Race. And last night was NO disappointment, to be sure. I’m fairly certain I don’t have any kind of good name for the Righties, with the possible exception of a “Pube Crawl,” but I have been waiting with bated breath for the possibility of a party-wide inquisition I could refer to as a “Pubic Examination,” or possibly a mass-firing of staff, aides, senators and/or functionaries I could refer to as, “Trimming the Pubes.” Though, in such a case, I think I would more likely refer to such a wonderful time as, “Shaving the National Ball Onto the Locker Room Floor of History.”
So, last night. Let’s start with the good news first: Huckabee won a whole face full of Pube support, and wasn’t that a fantastic thing to hear. Really, this year’s Pube race isn’t drawing terribly much of my attention. The Huckster, Romney and Guiliani? It’s like I’m in a Baskin Robins of crazy and get to choose my favorite flavor. Oh, goodie. Do I want to try Crazy With Nuts, Crazy with Snipped Nuts or Crazy with Too God Damned MANY Nuts, and would I like a waffle cone with that? Still, we got The Huckster. Crazy with some nuts, but not too many or too few, The Huckster is to Vice President Cheney as the Lutherans are to the Catholics. Same idea, but not quite as abrasive, and smothered in a great deal more Bland Sauce.
Honestly, I’m hoping the Huckster takes the primaries by storm. Boots all those McCains and Wops and Romneys right out the box and collects these fifty states like big, hooting pokemon cards made of dirt and cities and storms all the way to the general election…where he gets promptly and soundly beat by pretty much whatever yoyo the Rats see fit to present on the can’t-lose platform of being Not George W. Bush. I’m kinda hoping The Huckster go down in some truly fantastic blaze of crazy-person glory and make a complete yibbering asshole out of himself on some forum of public media.
And, if any of you are wondering why I keep referring to Mikey as “The Huckster”, I suggest you crack the spine on a dictionary. It’s not a word you hear much of anymore, but I figure it fits pretty good.
So how about that Rat Race, huh?
Did anybody else out there actually figure Hillary had a chance? Yeah…me, neither. Now, I’m not going to say that every eye was on Iowa last night, because it would just be truly, truly sick to think that the policy of the rest of the nation could be decided by a passel of yokels sitting in wheat fields, spitting chaw, and saying, “So…anybody goan’ vote for the hussy ‘r the nigger?” and calling that a caucus. But, honestly the rest of this nation really does tend towards a follow-the-leader mentality, and really only the first and second places have a realistic shot in holy Hell of making it through Round Two.
“But Josh, she only lost to Edwards by a single percentage point.” Shut the fuck up. She came in third. Nixon won by less than a percentage point in 68. Not everybody remembers that. People mostly remember that he won, not by how much. My point is, people don’t remember third place. People remember first place, and, if you’re lucky, second place, and Hillary being in third, even by one vote, is going to drop her electability like a handful of dogshit and brussel sprouts.
Obama came in first. By a fairly wide margin. This does not, in fact, make me the happy camper you might expect. This would be because I don’t actually like Obama all that much. I think he’s electable, I think he’s a populist and a fantastic political motivator. I also think he’s a polarizing force, but whether that’s good or bad is yet to be seen. What I really think is that I just don’t entirely fucking trust the guy. I don’t know why or what for, nor can I point to any specific thing, I just don’t entirely trust the guy.
I don’t actually trust Edwards, either, but I like him better than Obama. Because of this, I’m actually pretty stoked that Edwards came in second place. He’s got 49 more states before he’s out of the running, and the first one only matters for a little.
So that’s pretty much what I have to say for it. I’m sure some of you expected me to say SOMETHING, and I fully admit that what I have had to say hasn’t been entirely deep or insightful, but it has been fun to say. Besides…what kind of politics junkie would I be if I didn’t keep up?
Because, my snarklings, ever since I started calling the Republicans “Pubes,” and the Democrats “Rats,” I’ve been waiting for a nice democrat-only political contest that I could refer to, predictably, as the Rat Race. And last night was NO disappointment, to be sure. I’m fairly certain I don’t have any kind of good name for the Righties, with the possible exception of a “Pube Crawl,” but I have been waiting with bated breath for the possibility of a party-wide inquisition I could refer to as a “Pubic Examination,” or possibly a mass-firing of staff, aides, senators and/or functionaries I could refer to as, “Trimming the Pubes.” Though, in such a case, I think I would more likely refer to such a wonderful time as, “Shaving the National Ball Onto the Locker Room Floor of History.”
So, last night. Let’s start with the good news first: Huckabee won a whole face full of Pube support, and wasn’t that a fantastic thing to hear. Really, this year’s Pube race isn’t drawing terribly much of my attention. The Huckster, Romney and Guiliani? It’s like I’m in a Baskin Robins of crazy and get to choose my favorite flavor. Oh, goodie. Do I want to try Crazy With Nuts, Crazy with Snipped Nuts or Crazy with Too God Damned MANY Nuts, and would I like a waffle cone with that? Still, we got The Huckster. Crazy with some nuts, but not too many or too few, The Huckster is to Vice President Cheney as the Lutherans are to the Catholics. Same idea, but not quite as abrasive, and smothered in a great deal more Bland Sauce.
Honestly, I’m hoping the Huckster takes the primaries by storm. Boots all those McCains and Wops and Romneys right out the box and collects these fifty states like big, hooting pokemon cards made of dirt and cities and storms all the way to the general election…where he gets promptly and soundly beat by pretty much whatever yoyo the Rats see fit to present on the can’t-lose platform of being Not George W. Bush. I’m kinda hoping The Huckster go down in some truly fantastic blaze of crazy-person glory and make a complete yibbering asshole out of himself on some forum of public media.
And, if any of you are wondering why I keep referring to Mikey as “The Huckster”, I suggest you crack the spine on a dictionary. It’s not a word you hear much of anymore, but I figure it fits pretty good.
So how about that Rat Race, huh?
Did anybody else out there actually figure Hillary had a chance? Yeah…me, neither. Now, I’m not going to say that every eye was on Iowa last night, because it would just be truly, truly sick to think that the policy of the rest of the nation could be decided by a passel of yokels sitting in wheat fields, spitting chaw, and saying, “So…anybody goan’ vote for the hussy ‘r the nigger?” and calling that a caucus. But, honestly the rest of this nation really does tend towards a follow-the-leader mentality, and really only the first and second places have a realistic shot in holy Hell of making it through Round Two.
“But Josh, she only lost to Edwards by a single percentage point.” Shut the fuck up. She came in third. Nixon won by less than a percentage point in 68. Not everybody remembers that. People mostly remember that he won, not by how much. My point is, people don’t remember third place. People remember first place, and, if you’re lucky, second place, and Hillary being in third, even by one vote, is going to drop her electability like a handful of dogshit and brussel sprouts.
Obama came in first. By a fairly wide margin. This does not, in fact, make me the happy camper you might expect. This would be because I don’t actually like Obama all that much. I think he’s electable, I think he’s a populist and a fantastic political motivator. I also think he’s a polarizing force, but whether that’s good or bad is yet to be seen. What I really think is that I just don’t entirely fucking trust the guy. I don’t know why or what for, nor can I point to any specific thing, I just don’t entirely trust the guy.
I don’t actually trust Edwards, either, but I like him better than Obama. Because of this, I’m actually pretty stoked that Edwards came in second place. He’s got 49 more states before he’s out of the running, and the first one only matters for a little.
So that’s pretty much what I have to say for it. I’m sure some of you expected me to say SOMETHING, and I fully admit that what I have had to say hasn’t been entirely deep or insightful, but it has been fun to say. Besides…what kind of politics junkie would I be if I didn’t keep up?