Don't Go See Transformers.
As a personal favor to me, I would kindly make a request of everybody from my livejournal or myspace friends groups who posted or emailed to tell me that the Transformers movie is awesome. Please form a line to the left to claim a special, personalized once-in-a-lifetime offer, courtesy of your old pal, that Electric Bastard, Jaeger S. Meistersen
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Yes. I DID pay attention to the autobots landing. That's actually the BASIS for my argument. Why the hell does an autobot need a carburetor sticking out of his forehead when they obviously landed without ever having had a carburetor in the first place? Their technology shouldn't rely on old technology and doesn't...so why do they have them in their robot modes. Oh. Wait. THey're robots IN DISGUISE! So the cops, army men, religious fanatics and gun nuts they're hiding from are going to look at 20' tall Optimus Prime in robot mode and go, "Wait...he's got a carburetor. It's after market, but it's definitely from Earth. He's kosher. Send him through. He's not an alien or nothing."
Now...what about all this gives you the idea that I was set before I saw the movie, huh? What about me offering dickbats to people who led me astray gives you the impression I went in with a closed mind, huh? Yes...silly me. The people who mis-informed me and called it a cool movie just reinforced my predetermined notion that it would suck. It's obvious. You've found me out. Who are you--Perry Mason?
It wasn't what I wanted. And not much is. Not much has artistry or quality or lasting power. No, instead, I see a movie industry flooded with more sensationalistic crap, day-in-day-out. The kind of movies people will have forgotten about six months after the video release, not the kind of movies that form a true lasting impression. That movie is based on a cartoon show that made it twenty years. TWENTY YEARS after its inception, it has the clout and draw to make a summer blockbuster in addition to all its offshoot series and toylines. TWENTY YEARS and the original series is still being released on DVD and bought up by a whole new generation of children. TWENTY YEARS! So you tell me, chuckles, if you think that this movie, twenty years from now, is still going to be moseying off the rental store shelves at a regular pace. Is Michael Bay's Transformers ever going to make the Criterion Collection? Or will it suffer for six months after an initial push in rentals and retail sales before slumping into the discount bin?
It has been judged and found lacking.
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