Don't Go See Transformers.
As a personal favor to me, I would kindly make a request of everybody from my livejournal or myspace friends groups who posted or emailed to tell me that the Transformers movie is awesome. Please form a line to the left to claim a special, personalized once-in-a-lifetime offer, courtesy of your old pal, that Electric Bastard, Jaeger S. Meistersen.
Boys...it's time for a dickbat. And what I mean by that is that I'm going to take a special, limited edition, directors cut, solid gold, diamond studded, ergonomically designed, antiseptic treated, space-age 2x4 and hit you in the dick with it at no fewer than 400 psi. Girls...because there ARE girls in that line...you don't get a dickbat. Obviously. You do, however, get a titwhip. Imported, hand-crafted, non-stick, turbo charged, easy-to-use, ready made, microwavable, low-carb, variable speed, battery operated, vibrating gold monofilament wires scourged into a diamond-tipped cat of nine tails and lashed across your tits.
Now line up and let daddy give you your medicine.
Movie review:
I posted on a forum recently that I have been awaiting the Transformers movie with the same kind of sick, stomach-churning, nail-biting anticipation one usually reserves for standing in front of a Mexican firing squad. Michael Bay's retort to this? “Bang.”
What plot there was remained unfinished at the end. I say 'what plot there was' because most of the movie revolved around a series of loosely connected teenage embarrassment jokes, urinary humour, pro-military propaganda and a fifteen minute sequence in which the noble Autobots, warrior-messiahs of my earliest childhood memories, were reforged into a troupe of circus clowns. This travesty was punctuated at odd angles by the occasional quote from the REAL Transformers movie, cartoon show or the byword of the toyline......that , I found merely condescending.
Prior to its release, a friend of mine and I were discussing the Transformers Drinking Game. Having never seen the movie, we guessed that by drinking for any instance of the original transformation noise, “one shall stand, one shall fall”, “autobots roll out”, unnecessary transformation or any moment where you want to cry for the death of your childhood one could be pretty well guaranteed to come out of the movie pretty shitfaced. We never realized we'd have to add the antics of the stupid and apparently invisible spy-monkey, autobots engaging in slapstick humour, or embarrassed teenager masturbation jokes...certainly not in the Transformers movie!
Certain of you told me that this would be a good, mindless, popcorn-action flick. It was not. No more so than any other of Michael Bay's (The Rock withstanding) astonishing DOGS have been thus far...admittedly, they're mindless and they're full of action...but that only goes so far. What this is more indicative of is the INSULTINGLY low opinion that Hollywood holds of us, the common viewer. Apparently, they see the lot of us as twittering seventh graders with our heads up our asses and a driving need to see someone more emotionally crippled than ourselves end up with the girl and becoming a hero. Hollywood has seen what they can get away with by spoon-feeding us ID4, Armageddon, The Core, The Fantastic Four and a thousand hours more of idiotic garbage. They've seen what we'll suffer through and what will pick away at our interests like an itchy scab to the point that we HAVE to go see it, “Just to know...” They know us better than we know ourselves and it's allowed them to get simplistic, insulting, prosaic, lazy, fat and stupid while we lick away at the same cowpies and trail droppings they shove in our faces. And we shovel our money at them for it.
Stop it. Stop it, people.
It has to stop somewhere. We have to make a stand.
Spare yourselves the misery. See something else. See 1408...at least that has good actors acting well in well-written scripts that aren't about shoveling ten bucks worth of popcorn down your gibbering gullet. It isn't scary, but it sets a mood, and it keeps you feeling that level of tension with AMAZING acuity. Watch The Fountain. Watch Pan's Labyrinth. Watch The Serpent and the Rainbow. Watch Buckaroo Banzai. Watch Day Watch. Watch Paprika. Watch A Scanner Darkly. Watch Requiem for a Dream. Watch Trust. Watch Suburbia. Watch Hell in the Pacific. Watch Glass Bottom Boat. Watch Madadayo. Watch Black Snake Moan. Watch Rose Red. Watch The Ring. Watch Pulp Fiction. Watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. Watch Charade. Watch Casablanca. Watch The Wizard of Oz. Watch Unforgiven. Watch Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind. Watch something better, starring someone better, written better, filmed better and with less reliance on explosions and mediocre special effects.
Fight ignorance in the cinema.
It's too late for me...I already spent my six dollars. I already added my filthy and undeserved money to their opening weekend total. But it's not too late for some of you. Show some self-respect and break the chains of spoon-fed mediocrity.
End of Transmission.
Boys...it's time for a dickbat. And what I mean by that is that I'm going to take a special, limited edition, directors cut, solid gold, diamond studded, ergonomically designed, antiseptic treated, space-age 2x4 and hit you in the dick with it at no fewer than 400 psi. Girls...because there ARE girls in that line...you don't get a dickbat. Obviously. You do, however, get a titwhip. Imported, hand-crafted, non-stick, turbo charged, easy-to-use, ready made, microwavable, low-carb, variable speed, battery operated, vibrating gold monofilament wires scourged into a diamond-tipped cat of nine tails and lashed across your tits.
Now line up and let daddy give you your medicine.
Movie review:
I posted on a forum recently that I have been awaiting the Transformers movie with the same kind of sick, stomach-churning, nail-biting anticipation one usually reserves for standing in front of a Mexican firing squad. Michael Bay's retort to this? “Bang.”
What plot there was remained unfinished at the end. I say 'what plot there was' because most of the movie revolved around a series of loosely connected teenage embarrassment jokes, urinary humour, pro-military propaganda and a fifteen minute sequence in which the noble Autobots, warrior-messiahs of my earliest childhood memories, were reforged into a troupe of circus clowns. This travesty was punctuated at odd angles by the occasional quote from the REAL Transformers movie, cartoon show or the byword of the toyline......that , I found merely condescending.
Prior to its release, a friend of mine and I were discussing the Transformers Drinking Game. Having never seen the movie, we guessed that by drinking for any instance of the original transformation noise, “one shall stand, one shall fall”, “autobots roll out”, unnecessary transformation or any moment where you want to cry for the death of your childhood one could be pretty well guaranteed to come out of the movie pretty shitfaced. We never realized we'd have to add the antics of the stupid and apparently invisible spy-monkey, autobots engaging in slapstick humour, or embarrassed teenager masturbation jokes...certainly not in the Transformers movie!
Certain of you told me that this would be a good, mindless, popcorn-action flick. It was not. No more so than any other of Michael Bay's (The Rock withstanding) astonishing DOGS have been thus far...admittedly, they're mindless and they're full of action...but that only goes so far. What this is more indicative of is the INSULTINGLY low opinion that Hollywood holds of us, the common viewer. Apparently, they see the lot of us as twittering seventh graders with our heads up our asses and a driving need to see someone more emotionally crippled than ourselves end up with the girl and becoming a hero. Hollywood has seen what they can get away with by spoon-feeding us ID4, Armageddon, The Core, The Fantastic Four and a thousand hours more of idiotic garbage. They've seen what we'll suffer through and what will pick away at our interests like an itchy scab to the point that we HAVE to go see it, “Just to know...” They know us better than we know ourselves and it's allowed them to get simplistic, insulting, prosaic, lazy, fat and stupid while we lick away at the same cowpies and trail droppings they shove in our faces. And we shovel our money at them for it.
Stop it. Stop it, people.
It has to stop somewhere. We have to make a stand.
Spare yourselves the misery. See something else. See 1408...at least that has good actors acting well in well-written scripts that aren't about shoveling ten bucks worth of popcorn down your gibbering gullet. It isn't scary, but it sets a mood, and it keeps you feeling that level of tension with AMAZING acuity. Watch The Fountain. Watch Pan's Labyrinth. Watch The Serpent and the Rainbow. Watch Buckaroo Banzai. Watch Day Watch. Watch Paprika. Watch A Scanner Darkly. Watch Requiem for a Dream. Watch Trust. Watch Suburbia. Watch Hell in the Pacific. Watch Glass Bottom Boat. Watch Madadayo. Watch Black Snake Moan. Watch Rose Red. Watch The Ring. Watch Pulp Fiction. Watch Breakfast at Tiffany's. Watch Charade. Watch Casablanca. Watch The Wizard of Oz. Watch Unforgiven. Watch Nausicaa and the Valley of the Wind. Watch something better, starring someone better, written better, filmed better and with less reliance on explosions and mediocre special effects.
Fight ignorance in the cinema.
It's too late for me...I already spent my six dollars. I already added my filthy and undeserved money to their opening weekend total. But it's not too late for some of you. Show some self-respect and break the chains of spoon-fed mediocrity.
End of Transmission.