Don't Go See Transformers.
As a personal favor to me, I would kindly make a request of everybody from my livejournal or myspace friends groups who posted or emailed to tell me that the Transformers movie is awesome. Please form a line to the left to claim a special, personalized once-in-a-lifetime offer, courtesy of your old pal, that Electric Bastard, Jaeger S. Meistersen
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I never said peep one about sudden alterations in mass--megatron being a bit tallish for a handgun or mirage not blowing away in a stiff breeze. I was talking about MECHANICAL PARTS. Why...why...WHY does an alien machine capable of space travel, laser guns, artificial intelligence and vehicular mimicry have a coating of 20th century automotive parts. Is there some REASON that the jet-man who can fly in man-mode still uses inefficient jet engines, the entire guts of which we can see splayed out over his MONSTROUSly wide gorilla shoulders? Axels...pretty necessary to the mechanical process. Carburetors? I'm not sure they really have a place in an autonomous robot animated by magical hokum snake-oil hoodoo radiation...you'd think they'd have progressed beyond that sort of thing. Size alteration doesn't play into that. What i'm saying is that OLD transformers used to keep all their fragile moving parts on the INSIDE behind colorful and easily recognizable which made one transformer easily identifiable from another and lent some measure of personality, and kept them from looking like a tornado that just come spinning out of the autobody scrapyard with a full load.
The fight sequences were as many fight sequences have been in recent years. Too fast, too jumbled, too frenetic, too busy. What was so wrong with the old swordplay of Errol Flynn? The pistol waving of old westerns? It's needlessly complex, the cinematography for these scenes is intentionally shaky and jerky and WAY too close, in order to MAKE these scenes nigh-unidentifiable. And I get that they're going out of their way to present some sense of the chaos of combat, but my OPINION is that I don't like it. It's a crutch. A shortcut. Another instance of our generation having been force-fed a series of dog turd sequences until we actually start to appreciate the taste.
It's another series of cop-outs by Hollywood, and I want something more evocative. I want movies that stand out, not more dog turds. And this, I feel, was yet another turd in the steaming trail of wanton suck that Hollywood has seen fit to carve through the memories of my childhood.
Dolph Lundgren's He-Man was better than this.
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I guess you missed the scenes of the Autobots landing, or any scene with Megatron, perhaps because you were wincing a lot. The actual Transformers themselves, in their non Robots-In-Disguise mode, had no carburators or rubber wheels; their skins were metal-like. All their fragile parts are inside. Carburators sticking out of armpits and whatnot came after said Transformer became a robot in disguise.
The OLD transformers were easily identifiable because they were animated poorly and barely reflected the mostly chaotic jumble of crap that the old toys look like. I owned Optimus Prime. Remember him? Yeah, when you transformed him, he had NO BACK. AT ALL. You could see his innards. Megatron, transformed, looked like he was taking a dump on his narrow ass stump legs. Now, the cartoon didn't mimic that, because, well, it would look like crap. And it's easier to draw a featureless colored square than tons of little colors and details. I prefer the new look of the Transformers, as it's an attempt to make them look detailed and slightly realistic. The new toys are pretty spectacular too; easily the best Hasbro has ever made, especially Blackout.
But I guess you're just gonna complain and argue no matter what, because Transformers wasn't what you wanted it to be. Thankfully, it's not, because it's making a gajillion dollars, guaranteeing a sequel, perhaps two, hopefully made in the same vein as this movie. Which to me, and the vast majority of people that are making this movie successful, is a good thing. This movie is superior in every way than the old cartoon. Well, it's your opinion, and you were obviously set about it before you even saw the movie, so nothing's gonna change. I, for one, am gonna go buy some of the toys to decorate my place :)
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Yes. I DID pay attention to the autobots landing. That's actually the BASIS for my argument. Why the hell does an autobot need a carburetor sticking out of his forehead when they obviously landed without ever having had a carburetor in the first place? Their technology shouldn't rely on old technology and doesn't...so why do they have them in their robot modes. Oh. Wait. THey're robots IN DISGUISE! So the cops, army men, religious fanatics and gun nuts they're hiding from are going to look at 20' tall Optimus Prime in robot mode and go, "Wait...he's got a carburetor. It's after market, but it's definitely from Earth. He's kosher. Send him through. He's not an alien or nothing."
Now...what about all this gives you the idea that I was set before I saw the movie, huh? What about me offering dickbats to people who led me astray gives you the impression I went in with a closed mind, huh? Yes...silly me. The people who mis-informed me and called it a cool movie just reinforced my predetermined notion that it would suck. It's obvious. You've found me out. Who are you--Perry Mason?
It wasn't what I wanted. And not much is. Not much has artistry or quality or lasting power. No, instead, I see a movie industry flooded with more sensationalistic crap, day-in-day-out. The kind of movies people will have forgotten about six months after the video release, not the kind of movies that form a true lasting impression. That movie is based on a cartoon show that made it twenty years. TWENTY YEARS after its inception, it has the clout and draw to make a summer blockbuster in addition to all its offshoot series and toylines. TWENTY YEARS and the original series is still being released on DVD and bought up by a whole new generation of children. TWENTY YEARS! So you tell me, chuckles, if you think that this movie, twenty years from now, is still going to be moseying off the rental store shelves at a regular pace. Is Michael Bay's Transformers ever going to make the Criterion Collection? Or will it suffer for six months after an initial push in rentals and retail sales before slumping into the discount bin?
It has been judged and found lacking.
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http://www.i-mockery.com/minimocks/transformers-movie-toys/default.php
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