a long long time.
so it has been a very long time since I wrote one of these but they say it is good for you to write a journal and now that myspace is so popular I can be pretty sure that no one reads these and I can say everything that I want to. so *deep breath* here goes. Its finally summer. I survived my freshman year of college. it was a little rough but with melinda as my roommate I did alright. and now exams and papers and assignments and memorization is all done and I get to sit around and enjoy the break. there's just one thing. it's lonely. everyone's busy and I don't know, it's hard to try to remake all those friend connections you used to have. its easier with some people. but I feel like I have time-traveled. I stumbled upon a few saved AIM conversations from a few years ago. seriously. it seems like 3 months ago, it was 2 and a half years. the ones that I loved were conversations with jordanroddy where we were dating, or maybe we weren't but we sure were awfully mushy and romantic. and I'll spare the details in case someone actually does read it but geez. reading those old conversations really brought me back. it's like I can really remember feeling like that. and it made me remember how awesome jordanroddy was and what a great thing it is to have someone who cares that much about you. by the end I was just crying. it made me feel better and worse all at the same time. better because it was a really nice time in my life. worse because for the past year I have been invisable to every man on the planet. or I feel that way. which is why I've been through all these "i have to lose 10 pounds" or "screw diets I don't care what anyone thinks" or "I just want to be healthy" phases because none of it seems to work. even when I finally come to terms with everything and I feel ok about myself... it would still be nice to have someone to help me along. not that melinda doesn't do that. shes very supportive and I would long have died of lonliness if not for her but she's got johnny. and she knows what it is like to watch a movie and not even be aware of the arm around your waist. she knows what it is like to just be able to kiss him whenever you want or hold his hand. man. it would be nice just to have someone's hand to hold. but maybe it'll happen soon. maybe. I've just forgotten what it feels like to be wanted. and now I'm afraid that the first man who hints at wanting to date me I'll jump so hard at the chance that I'll scare him off. can you tell I've been thinking about this a lot? I haven't left the house in a couple days, I've had time to think. and now I feel like I'm totally living in the past because I can't stop thinking about jordanroddy. I've just become so crazy. I can't help it. but I guess until I find someone I'll just be waiting and I'll keep on pretending it doesn't bother me. that I'm one of those secure independent women, and thats fine. maybe I'll end up like that. it's just been so long I had a lot to say, I just wish I had someone real to talk to about all this. I would tell melinda but I complain enough about being single. and besides today is her birthday. so happy birthday to melinda. and I'm sure I could continue to ramble, but why? I'm going to bed.