Random expression of the day
"Even dust becomes a mountain if it piles up."
My life feels a lot like that. Lots of little things build up, and pile on, and I begin to feel overwhelmed by nothing in particular. Then I suddenly get fed up, shake it off, deal with what I can, and plow forward. Just got finished with the low part of the cycle.
It's frustrating to see where my problems are, to know what I need to do to fix them, and to be unable to do so (at least immediately) I have to continually take a step back and remind myself that my behaviours have built up over 30+ years, and being aware of them isn't enough to undo all that programming. Most of our behaviour (much more than we'd care to admit) is unconscious and automatic. It's almost like we live much of our lives on auto-pilot. If you want to change a behaviour, you can't just change IT, you have to trace back the sequence of events and thinking that lead to it, and cut off that chain at the source. Not easy.
The most frustrating aspect I have to deal with are what I've nicknamed "soft walls" It's where there's something I want to do (example in today's instance: Get a haircut) and my behaviour is set up to avoid it and/or procrastinate. It's not that I'm anxious about leaving the house, or that I have any reason not to go... It's just that my brain is screaming at me to do ANYTHING else. That's why I call it a soft wall. If it was just fear/anxiety, I know how to deal with it. But in this case, I can't define a source; the reason behind these thoughts. And without being able to see that, the avoidance is most often overwhealming.
The worst thing is that there are times when all those barriers drop, and I have a day or two where I can just DO things without anything getting in the way. I don't know whether those days are a blessing or a curse, because they seem to just highlight the contrast between what my day-to-day life is, and what it could be.
OTHER THAN THAT, though, life is generally good... The only times I haven't gone in for my day of volunteering have been for Dr's appointments, or, in two cases, a physical inability to go to work (one was some minor food poisoning, the other was a twisted ankle) I've been getting out of the house far more often than last winter, and I've been generally much happier and productive. But, of course, everything is relative, and there are many times I have trouble seeing the improvement from an inside perspective.
That's all for now!
My life feels a lot like that. Lots of little things build up, and pile on, and I begin to feel overwhelmed by nothing in particular. Then I suddenly get fed up, shake it off, deal with what I can, and plow forward. Just got finished with the low part of the cycle.
It's frustrating to see where my problems are, to know what I need to do to fix them, and to be unable to do so (at least immediately) I have to continually take a step back and remind myself that my behaviours have built up over 30+ years, and being aware of them isn't enough to undo all that programming. Most of our behaviour (much more than we'd care to admit) is unconscious and automatic. It's almost like we live much of our lives on auto-pilot. If you want to change a behaviour, you can't just change IT, you have to trace back the sequence of events and thinking that lead to it, and cut off that chain at the source. Not easy.
The most frustrating aspect I have to deal with are what I've nicknamed "soft walls" It's where there's something I want to do (example in today's instance: Get a haircut) and my behaviour is set up to avoid it and/or procrastinate. It's not that I'm anxious about leaving the house, or that I have any reason not to go... It's just that my brain is screaming at me to do ANYTHING else. That's why I call it a soft wall. If it was just fear/anxiety, I know how to deal with it. But in this case, I can't define a source; the reason behind these thoughts. And without being able to see that, the avoidance is most often overwhealming.
The worst thing is that there are times when all those barriers drop, and I have a day or two where I can just DO things without anything getting in the way. I don't know whether those days are a blessing or a curse, because they seem to just highlight the contrast between what my day-to-day life is, and what it could be.
OTHER THAN THAT, though, life is generally good... The only times I haven't gone in for my day of volunteering have been for Dr's appointments, or, in two cases, a physical inability to go to work (one was some minor food poisoning, the other was a twisted ankle) I've been getting out of the house far more often than last winter, and I've been generally much happier and productive. But, of course, everything is relative, and there are many times I have trouble seeing the improvement from an inside perspective.
That's all for now!