tales from the ship!
i was hearing fun things on the ship that i'm missing today, so i thought it might be time to tell some... ship stories! (dum dum dummmmm!)
working on a cruise ship is unusual in many ways, but dealing with the passengers is something that anyone who's ever worked in customer service will understand. once you have that nametag on and you're out among the old folks -- oh, excuse me, i mean passengers -- you're fair game. wearing a nametag makes you an automatic punching bag / tour guide / doctor / google web search / psychic / cruise ship captain / butler.
they think we can predict the weather or the behavior of wild animals:
"what time will we see the whales?"
"what will the weather be like tomorrow?"
"when is the rocking going to stop?"
of course, we do know the answers to these questions:
"they're wild animals, so... whenever they want you to see them."
"since it's hawaii, chances are it'll be sunny with a chance of pouring rain." (hawaii's green for a reason!)
"tomorrow morning, when we're docked." (i also get "can't you stop this rocking?" and my first response is, "well yes, since i'm clearly the captain." but i don't (usually) say it.)
they think we can supplement their failing brain cells:
"these photos displayed in the gallery, are they in alphabetical order? no? then how will I know which photos are mine?"
"you work here -- so, do you live on the ship?"
"does the ship supply its own electricity?"
answer key:
"you're in the photos... oh, it's too difficult."
"no, i have a home on the mainland, and i fly here and back every day."
"no -- and you wouldn't believe how long the extension cord is."
then, of course, we get those fabulous people who say, "i paid $3000 to be on this ship and goddammit i'll get what i want and what i want is your soul and your firstborn child and a bigger room and a pony and free drinks and..." anyway. since i'm the supervisor of the kids' program, one of my jobs is getting yelled at for various reasons, usually by parents. if a parent is yelling at one of the yc's, i get to jump in there and deflect the yell. luckily, i don't have to smile. they think you're a little weird if you smile while they're yelling at them. the number one thing i get shouted at about is: age groups! oh, yes. everyone thinks their 4 year old is so incredibly mature that they have to be with the 6-12 year olds. everyone thinks their 11 year old is so incredibly mature that they have to be with the 13-17 year olds. spare me!
the best are the POFs. this is short for "pants on fire", or liars. (we have our own british rhyming slang!) this is what we write on a kids' registration form when mom or dad has decided to take matters into their own hands and lie about the kids' age. they usually tell the kids to lie, as well. i think that is sick and wrong. making your child lie? good lord. luckily, the kids are usually guilty and tell us the truth as soon as their parents are out of earshot. then we take the child by the hand and put them into their correct age group. and boy, do i hear about it later.
this conversation actually happened, although it was longer and more circular, with more exclamation points:
angry dad: why is my daughter with the 2-5 year olds??? she's six!!!!! i put six on the registration form!!!!!
me: we do have a list that says how old they really are. and it says she's five.
AD: well, she's practically six!!!!! she shouldn't have to be with babies!!!!!
me: actually, there are quite a few five year olds in her group -- she's got plenty of kids her age.
AD: but both of her brothers are in the other group!!!!! she won't want to be separated!!!!!
me: her brothers are in the next room, and they can check on her whenever they want to.
AD: i can't believe you're doing this to us!!!!! do you realize this is ruining our family vacation???? *
me: i'm sorry, but we need her to be in her own age group.
AD: how am i going to tell my wife about this??? she'll be so angry!!!
me: i'm sorry, but i'm sure your daughter will be fine.
AD: oh my god!!! i can't believe you're doing this!!!!
it went on in this vein for quite a while, till he stormed off. for the record, this guy's daughter was extremely happy in her own age group and told her parents so. the dad apologized to me the next day. i graciously accepted the apology, and didn't call him a jerk.
* if you're on a family vacation, why are you dropping your kids of at what is essentially a daycare? don't you want to spend quality family time together? no? i thought not.
people never cease to amaze me. honestly, i think they all take stupid pills before stepping onboard.
that being said, i'll be quite ready to go back after vacation. my friend jena (who is still onboard, and whose conversation today inspired this post), compared ship life to a shower in this great analogy: "it's like a hot bath or a shower. while you're in it, it's so nice and relaxing, and you never want to get out. but you're not doing anything -- you're in the shower!"
i just have to decide when i'm clean enough.
working on a cruise ship is unusual in many ways, but dealing with the passengers is something that anyone who's ever worked in customer service will understand. once you have that nametag on and you're out among the old folks -- oh, excuse me, i mean passengers -- you're fair game. wearing a nametag makes you an automatic punching bag / tour guide / doctor / google web search / psychic / cruise ship captain / butler.
they think we can predict the weather or the behavior of wild animals:
"what time will we see the whales?"
"what will the weather be like tomorrow?"
"when is the rocking going to stop?"
of course, we do know the answers to these questions:
"they're wild animals, so... whenever they want you to see them."
"since it's hawaii, chances are it'll be sunny with a chance of pouring rain." (hawaii's green for a reason!)
"tomorrow morning, when we're docked." (i also get "can't you stop this rocking?" and my first response is, "well yes, since i'm clearly the captain." but i don't (usually) say it.)
they think we can supplement their failing brain cells:
"these photos displayed in the gallery, are they in alphabetical order? no? then how will I know which photos are mine?"
"you work here -- so, do you live on the ship?"
"does the ship supply its own electricity?"
answer key:
"you're in the photos... oh, it's too difficult."
"no, i have a home on the mainland, and i fly here and back every day."
"no -- and you wouldn't believe how long the extension cord is."
then, of course, we get those fabulous people who say, "i paid $3000 to be on this ship and goddammit i'll get what i want and what i want is your soul and your firstborn child and a bigger room and a pony and free drinks and..." anyway. since i'm the supervisor of the kids' program, one of my jobs is getting yelled at for various reasons, usually by parents. if a parent is yelling at one of the yc's, i get to jump in there and deflect the yell. luckily, i don't have to smile. they think you're a little weird if you smile while they're yelling at them. the number one thing i get shouted at about is: age groups! oh, yes. everyone thinks their 4 year old is so incredibly mature that they have to be with the 6-12 year olds. everyone thinks their 11 year old is so incredibly mature that they have to be with the 13-17 year olds. spare me!
the best are the POFs. this is short for "pants on fire", or liars. (we have our own british rhyming slang!) this is what we write on a kids' registration form when mom or dad has decided to take matters into their own hands and lie about the kids' age. they usually tell the kids to lie, as well. i think that is sick and wrong. making your child lie? good lord. luckily, the kids are usually guilty and tell us the truth as soon as their parents are out of earshot. then we take the child by the hand and put them into their correct age group. and boy, do i hear about it later.
this conversation actually happened, although it was longer and more circular, with more exclamation points:
angry dad: why is my daughter with the 2-5 year olds??? she's six!!!!! i put six on the registration form!!!!!
me: we do have a list that says how old they really are. and it says she's five.
AD: well, she's practically six!!!!! she shouldn't have to be with babies!!!!!
me: actually, there are quite a few five year olds in her group -- she's got plenty of kids her age.
AD: but both of her brothers are in the other group!!!!! she won't want to be separated!!!!!
me: her brothers are in the next room, and they can check on her whenever they want to.
AD: i can't believe you're doing this to us!!!!! do you realize this is ruining our family vacation???? *
me: i'm sorry, but we need her to be in her own age group.
AD: how am i going to tell my wife about this??? she'll be so angry!!!
me: i'm sorry, but i'm sure your daughter will be fine.
AD: oh my god!!! i can't believe you're doing this!!!!
it went on in this vein for quite a while, till he stormed off. for the record, this guy's daughter was extremely happy in her own age group and told her parents so. the dad apologized to me the next day. i graciously accepted the apology, and didn't call him a jerk.
* if you're on a family vacation, why are you dropping your kids of at what is essentially a daycare? don't you want to spend quality family time together? no? i thought not.
people never cease to amaze me. honestly, i think they all take stupid pills before stepping onboard.
that being said, i'll be quite ready to go back after vacation. my friend jena (who is still onboard, and whose conversation today inspired this post), compared ship life to a shower in this great analogy: "it's like a hot bath or a shower. while you're in it, it's so nice and relaxing, and you never want to get out. but you're not doing anything -- you're in the shower!"
i just have to decide when i'm clean enough.