wtf
I don’t fucking get it. I have gotten what I have always wanted and I am fucking scared… I don’t want to mess up because I am prone to doing so… I don’t want to fuck up as I am also prone to doing… and I know I will. And yes there is a difference between fucking up and messing up. And I haven’t told my mom. Cause I don’t know what to tell her. “Oh hey mom how was your day? Oh and by the way someone asked me out. But I am scared and I don’t want to screw up.” Wont that just brighten her day. LOL she said I wouldn’t be allowed to have a boyfriend till I was outta college. Yea… suuuuure.
Soo…….. I was thinking in study hall and that as I said before is BAD! And what was the thought process of this particular study hall you may ask? Well… it was first love and first everything with which first love entails… but the thing is… with first love comes first heartbreak… and there in lies my problem.. In going through my head in everything I have pondered, thoughts, anything and everything that has floated through my head I have realized… I have a fear of relationships and a possible fear of commitment.
I don’t want it but it’s there. And that’s why I think I put myself down when it comes to liking guys or life in general.. But with me I love to fantasize about “What ifs…” but then reality comes and possibilities come up and I freeze. Like I didn’t really want what I thought about but I do!
I know that I wont be together with … forever and because I know that… I don’t know… all I know is…
I am FUCKING SCARED!!
Scared I wont measure up
Scared I’ll fail
Scared of disappointing
Scared of not being good enough
Scared of believing
Scared of trying
I wish I wasn’t so… fucked up… I mean I kept giving… a way out. Telling him of my faults. And for whatever reason… he’s still there. I just wonder…. What’s gonna happen…? I cant but help looking to far into the future… and it seems my happiness is fleeting because I know something bad is gonna happen.
It seems everything fades.
Love
Like
Friendship
Friends
Even it seems family
Nothing is everlasting
No matter what people think
I don’t think I was made for this
I am my fathers daughter
We two aren’t good with emotions
That is I am a little better at it
But we are equally…
…. Uneducated in this…
this probably traces back to my great great great… grandparents. Because my grandparents loved their children in a sort of silent detached sort of way in that they weren’t a hugging type of family and they didn’t talk of their emotions and that passed on to my dad his brothers and his sister and that’s why I think I will be scarred for life.
Before I was too trusting… and I think I still am… but now I am more closed off no matter what you think.
Jordan said it and I think I have finally learned to accept it… I have social anxiety… I mean I get close enough to be your friend. But that’s it…
I mean being more that friends = being close. Being close = getting hurt. I don’t want to get hurt that’s why I always like guys I think wont like me back and if I think I might have a chance I believe it a slight SLIGHT chance… as in probably not. And another reason is… I try to see myself with said guy in the future and I can because I think I will bore him/disinterest him and he will break up with me. I do better in my fantasies. Its soo easy that way… that way I only get hurt in my dreams and then I wake up and realize it isn’t real and I can get on with my life…
And unless you’re really REALLY lucky you’ll find love. Real love. But unfortunately it happens less than it should.