It's been interesting.
Growth is an interesting concept. Sometimes it feels like NOTHING is moving forward, and then you suddenly look back and realize that so much has changed, and you don't even really recognize when the change happened.
Let me say first off that I'm at work, and these thoughts haven't been CLEARLY thought out, but I'm bored as hell and have been reflecting, so don't take the choppy flow that this essay will be as an indication of my writing abilities. Assholes.
In the past 17 months I've done nothing but talk, write, talk, go to a therapist, and talk more in order to retrain myself to think about things in a whole different light. I've had people in my life who have invested a LOT of time and effort into this. Uriah, Lord knows, has been the person who has sat on the couch with me and watched me smoke cigarette after cigarette after cigarette and say the same things over and over and over again. He's put up with my good moods and my bad moods, my happiness and sadness, my highs and lows, and my constant anger and bitchiness and screaming and inability to speak, but play cards in silence for a couple hours. He has pried things out of me that I never wanted to talk about, think about, admit to, and always knows what I am thinking and what I was thinking and everything in between, and always has something to say to make me feel better, and has this weird way of getting my head out of my ass at the same time. Daryl has also been an amazing person as well, as he's put up with my weird psychoticness (if that's a word, which I deem it is, as I've decided to use my poetic license, thank you), my incessant questions, my failed attempts to figure out why things have happened, and once again, my screaming and yelling and general instability and inability to communicate effectively when I'm pissed off. "Just say words and I'll figure it out."
Maybe this is an ode to the two of them to say thank you for everything they've done and their insane amount of patience, but it's also my own way of saying "This is where I was, this is where I am", or something. Because of these two people in my life, of whom I am very lucky to have, I've come far. I'm dating now, boys even ("Buh-whaaaaaat?!" you say. "I thought you were a big lesbian!!" Shut up.) So maybe boys/guys/men/PEOPLE WITH TAILS aren't all evil. Maybe they all aren't out to hurt you. Maybe they aren't all douchebags who think about nothing but sex (and if they do, they can actually talk about other things.) I'm not nearly as angry as I used to be, or nearly as often, either. I enjoy life more. I don't hate people as much. I'm not NEARLY as scared as I used to be. I go out and do things more and I'm not looking for THEM to show up.
When did this happen? I'm not sure. I just looked back and realized it. And you know what?
It feels good.
I'll prolly revise this later.