How to Survive a Paranormal Activity Movie
Continuing my scary theme for Halloween, we’re going to be talking about the biggest horror movie franchise of the new millennium: “Paranormal Activity.”
I just saw “Paranormal Activity 3” over the weekend and yet again was annoyed and unimpressed. I saw the first two at home and didn’t see what the buzz was about. I figured that watching it in a movie theater might be scarier. I was wrong.
People in horror movies are normally phenomenally stupid, but I feel like the PA kids are the dumbest of the bunch. It seems only the D- kids of moviedom are the ones who get butchered like cattle - and deservedly so. This is a guide on how to survive in a “Paranormal Activity” type movie.
5. Don’t Put Your Daughter in a Nightgown
I don’t know what the deal is but demons love possessing and contacting little girls who wear night gowns. “The Exorcist,” “The Exorcism of Emily Rose,” “The Last Exorcism” and “Constatine” were all movies involving little girls being possessed or harassed by demons. The common thread was that they all wore white nightgowns. Perhaps it’s because the young girl in “The Exorcism” wore one so it’s become iconic, or maybe demons have a fetish, regardless of what the cause is you should buy your daughter regular pajamas.
4. Always Break Dark Sigils
If you see a demonic or evil sigil in your house, break it. Cut it, wash it, whatever. Do not leave black magic stuff lying around and certainly don’t take a video of it then walk away. Now some of you are thinking, what if it’s there to protect me? If you didn’t make it, don’t trust it.
3. Trust You Pets, Your Children and Your Spouse
If someone or something in your house is telling you that weird stuff is going on then please believe them. Dogs don’t bark for no reason, children shouldn’t have imaginary friends that make you uncomfortable and if your spouse is claiming that something is up, put some credit in what they’re saying. There’s a vast difference between disbelief and mind numbing stupidity.
2. Move
I don’t care how upside down your friggin’ mortgage is, if weird stuff starts happening then you need to move. No house or mortgage is worth your life. Go to a hotel, go on vacation, hell, burn it down if it’s bad enough. Toughing it out is miraculously stupid and proof that you should be weeded out by nature.
1. Put Down the F*&@ing Camera!
There is clearly a strange and demonic presence in your home, why are you filming it? Drop the camera and run, asshole! At the very least use the camera as a bat against the monster. People who film their own deaths probably deserved it anyway.
I just saw “Paranormal Activity 3” over the weekend and yet again was annoyed and unimpressed. I saw the first two at home and didn’t see what the buzz was about. I figured that watching it in a movie theater might be scarier. I was wrong.
People in horror movies are normally phenomenally stupid, but I feel like the PA kids are the dumbest of the bunch. It seems only the D- kids of moviedom are the ones who get butchered like cattle - and deservedly so. This is a guide on how to survive in a “Paranormal Activity” type movie.
5. Don’t Put Your Daughter in a Nightgown
I don’t know what the deal is but demons love possessing and contacting little girls who wear night gowns. “The Exorcist,” “The Exorcism of Emily Rose,” “The Last Exorcism” and “Constatine” were all movies involving little girls being possessed or harassed by demons. The common thread was that they all wore white nightgowns. Perhaps it’s because the young girl in “The Exorcism” wore one so it’s become iconic, or maybe demons have a fetish, regardless of what the cause is you should buy your daughter regular pajamas.
4. Always Break Dark Sigils
If you see a demonic or evil sigil in your house, break it. Cut it, wash it, whatever. Do not leave black magic stuff lying around and certainly don’t take a video of it then walk away. Now some of you are thinking, what if it’s there to protect me? If you didn’t make it, don’t trust it.
3. Trust You Pets, Your Children and Your Spouse
If someone or something in your house is telling you that weird stuff is going on then please believe them. Dogs don’t bark for no reason, children shouldn’t have imaginary friends that make you uncomfortable and if your spouse is claiming that something is up, put some credit in what they’re saying. There’s a vast difference between disbelief and mind numbing stupidity.
2. Move
I don’t care how upside down your friggin’ mortgage is, if weird stuff starts happening then you need to move. No house or mortgage is worth your life. Go to a hotel, go on vacation, hell, burn it down if it’s bad enough. Toughing it out is miraculously stupid and proof that you should be weeded out by nature.
1. Put Down the F*&@ing Camera!
There is clearly a strange and demonic presence in your home, why are you filming it? Drop the camera and run, asshole! At the very least use the camera as a bat against the monster. People who film their own deaths probably deserved it anyway.