Two Words (Scott/Shelby 2/2)

Jan 10, 2006 00:08

Two Words (2/2)

Rating: PG-13 for mature subject matter and coarse language(damn, I sound like a tv advertisement!)
Disclaimer: Aw, come on, the Barbie people don’t sue us for playing with their dolls!!
Summary: Two-part POV piece; Shelby and Scott wrestle with their emotions during the episode ‘Innocence’.

Part Two:

‘Shackled and chained
My soul feels stained
I can't explain, got an itch on my brain
Lately my whole aim is to maintain
And regain control of my mainframe
My blood’s boiling, its beatin' out propane
My train of thoughts more like a runaway train
I'm in a fast car drivin' in a fast lane’

Anxiety, Black Eyed Peas



I shouldn’t have gone. I know I shouldn’t have, but-

Why is she doing this? Why does everything have to be a fight between us? Why does everything I do backfire on me? It’s like the universe hates me, but I can’t figure out what I did to the universe. I was born maybe, I guess that’s enough.

But why did they have to send that damn football?

Okay, fine. So it did make me a little happy. At first.

But it’s just like them, too. They couldn’t even get this right. Everyone else’s parents, I’m sure, sent Barbies and shit they played with when they were babies. It was supposed to be a childhood memento. I can think of a hundred other things they could have sent, but what do they send me? A football they got me last year as a ‘makeup’ present for Dad missing my last game.

Correction: that Elaine got me.

Even here she manages to sink her talons into me. No wonder I keep regressing.

At first I wanted to throw it as far into the forest as I could and just forget about it, but like everything about Elaine, I just don’t have the strength to push it away. No matter how much I hate it, there’s still that part of me…that likes it…
That’s the part of me I’ve been killing all these years with drugs…

Stupid solo. Time alone to think isn’t exactly my favorite thing these days. Making progress hurts. Maybe when I get back I’ll ask Auggie how he got into that supply cupboard before…

“Scott!”

In an instant my heart clenches violently in my chest. It felt like I was going to die; for that split second, I thought it was her. She’d found me, even here I can’t escape.

“Scott?” Relief so powerful it makes me physically weak. It’s Sophie. “Scott, come on,” she says, unaware of anything but me sitting in front of my smoking fire. Only then do I realize how hard it’s raining. “We’re all going back to the cabin, there’s a storm coming in.”

The cabin’s warm, but I’m still freezing. Sitting by the fire doesn’t help either; the cold isn’t on my skin. Behind me Daisy’s being stupid again. I can’t take her, not now. This is all her fault, after all.
“Nobody asked you to butt in,” I hear myself saying, “this was our business!” I didn’t really want to get into an argument tonight, I’m to tired from all that thinking. Stupid solo.

“Right,” she drawls in that infuriating voice of hers. I calm myself by picturing what I would like to do to her at that moment. “Right,” she continues, walking over to me, making it that much more difficult to resist stuffing my fist in her face. “You would have liked it is she hadn’t have told you, wouldn’t you?” Now everyone was listening. I want to hit her - now everyone will know that story Shelby’d told the reporter was true. Doesn’t she know what she’s just said? “Well, maybe you should stop blaming everyone for your own twisted ego,” she mocks. Yeah, what about yours, bitch?

I want to respond, but my brain has shut down. Anger will do that to you. It’s like a drug - some of it gets you high, but too much and you can’t function at all. I just sit there, unable to even think.
I think that’s why I hate Daisy so much. Everything she ever says is true.

It seemed like only a few minutes had passed, but it was already dark when Sophie returned. She was soaked and freezing, but what I noticed the most was that she was scared. I don’t remember ever seeing her scared before.

“She left her campsite, I can’t find her anywhere!”

I didn’t hear the rest. My entire body had just gone numb. She’s gone, something inside me hissed. She’s gone, and it’s your fault.

“Why did she leave her site, she knew better!” Somehow Sophie is sitting in the chair next to mine. I didn’t notice her sit down, too occupied with that voice. It’s your fault, lover boy, it says, It’s all your fault.

I suddenly recognize that voice - it’s guilt.
“I went there,” I hear somebody say. I realize too late that it was me. “I interrupted her solo.” As expected, my words ignited that short fuse that is Daisy.

“You did WHAT?!?”
“What happened?” Sophie demanded. She was more concerned than mad, and the guilt monster inside of me took another chomp out of my heart. “Tell me everything,” she urged. Oh god, this is serious. What have I done?

“We…we got into a fight,” I say meekly, startled by my own tone of voice. Daisy starts up again, but to my relief and satisfaction, Sophie shuts her up.
“Did she say anything?” she asks earnestly, “did she say where she might have gone?” My heart sinks, making me feel almost dizzy.
“No.” My voice sounds hollow, even to me. Why did I have to be so stupid?
“Please, Scott, this is important,” she urges. I know she’s only thinking about Shelby, but the statement stirs anger in me again. You think I don’t know that?!?

“NO,” I shout, instantly regretting it. “She didn’t say anything.” I offer as she heads back to the door. “She probably didn’t want to be there in case I came back,” I add lamely, but she’s already gone.

Great. Now I’m alone with the wench.

She starts lacing into me the second the door closes, but I’m not listening. I don’t hear the words, but just hearing her voice is enough to set me off. I am not putting up with her. Not now…

“Back off, freak.” I’m almost happy when she tries to tackle me; I could use a good fight. Auggie and Juliette hold her back.
“If anything happens to her,” she screams, echoing the screaming of my own brain, “it’s your fault! Do you hear me? It’s your fault!”
I feel like shit.

The hours feel like years, but at the same time they slip by like seconds. If teels as if I’ve been sitting in this stinking chair forever, that the fire’s been burning since time began. Maybe it has been; maybe It’s just the fire inside me that’s been burning forever. I can’t remember ever feeling something other than anger and guilt and shame. It’s a part of me. I’m Mr. Shame.

On the other side of the room, Daisy’s looking blankly out the window. She’d calmed down about a year or two ago, and has been silent ever since. I find myself contemplating taking a vow of silence for a year. Cool.
At the table, Juliette and Auggie are talking. He’s apologizing for something, and she’s looking at her doll. I wish I had something like that to distract me, but I threw that damn football into the woods when Sophie came for me. Eons ago.

“I’m sorry,” says Auggie.

Two words, two lousy words, and you can’t even say them!

She doesn’t understand - none of them do. None of them can.

How can I say I’m sorry when the words don’t even mean anything anymore? How, when every time I heard them spoken to me they were a lie?

‘I’m sorry, Scotty, It’ll never happen again.’
‘Promise?’
‘This is the last time, I swear…’

I can’t take the chance that I’ll say them and not mean them. I can’t do it…not to her. She deserves so much better after what she’s been through. Besides, I don’t even know if I am sorry.

I’m sorry I hurt her, that’s true. I’m sorry that all I ever do is cause her pain. I’m sorry she ran away and may be dead somewhere.

But am I sorry for…

Hey, wait a minute! What did I do, really?

A sudden, sick realization haunts me. She talks to Daisy. She trusts Daisy. Daisy must know what’s up with her. I sigh. Time to work off some of that bad Karma I’ve stored up.

“You gotta help me,” I whisper, hoping the other two didn’t hear. Daisy barely even acknowledges my presence.
“I don’t have to do anything for you,” she bit back. “And besides, you’re beyond help.” Okay, I’ll let her have that one. Don’t let her think she’s getting to you, Scott, girls can sense weakness.

“You don’t like me,” I say, hopefully disarming her wit. “Fine, I get it. Just…” Just what? Just tell me why my girlfriend hates me? “Tell me what she wants from me,” I say instead. “She wants me to apologize, but for what? What did I do?” There. I said it. May the Karma god grant me lots of good…Karma.

“It’s what you didn’t do, Jock-O,” she taunts. I squish my rising anger before it starts. Damn, if Peter knew he’d be ecstatic that I’m making progress with ‘controlling your violent impulses.’
“Accept her for who she is,” Daisy continues. “Let her know her scars are okay with you.”

But she…
No, a colder, saner voice speaks up, That doesn’t matter anymore.

“We’re all damaged goods here,” she says as if reading my mind. “But you’re so wrapped up in yourself that you can’t see anyone else’s damage.”

Well, give me a break, I am in a rehab school, after all…

She’s right, you know, that new voice reasoned.

How could I have been so stupid?

Without even thinking about it, I already have my coat on. She’s out there because of me, because I’m the stupid insensitive jerk that can’t be the shoulder to cry on she’s been for me. I’ve been such an idiot.
Ignoring the others’ protests, I shut the door behind me. My hope evaporates almost immediately. It’s hell. Pure, unadulterated hell, and she’s out in it. Freezing cold, driving rain, biting wind, and of course, pitch black. No wonder Sophie was so worried.

Absurdly, it doesn’t take long to find up. I was so cold I was tempted to turn back, but then I heard her. She called to me. I try not to let the desperation in her voice get to me.

Once my arms around her, I can finally allow myself to believe that it’s true. She’s safe; she’ll be back in the cabin soon. I fight the urge to kiss her, settling instead to keeping my arm around her the whole trip back. She doesn’t speak and I try not to let that bother me. We’ll talk later, when she’s really okay.

I was actually having a good dream this time. Usually when I sleep it’s about them. All those guys…there are some things you never forget.
It feels good to be warm again. It wasn’t long after I decided to leave my site when the storm started. By the time I wanted too, I was so lost I couldn’t find my way back to my tent or the cabin. I thought I was going to die, but then I saw him.

He came for me.

Maybe…maybe he does really care. ‘Maybe you aren’t totally useless after all,’ I’d heard Daisy say. Does that mean she’s changed her mind about him? I certainly have. He may be incapable of an apology, but he’s proved that he does love - love? me.

I don’t know why, but my hand is drawn to my pack beside me. Everyone is asleep around me, even Scott. He looks so beautiful when he sleeps…

I haven’t held these slippers since…well, since I gave up ballet. I remember opening them for the first time, feeling their silky material and feeling so pretty wearing them. Some of the happiest times in my life were dancing. I wanted to dance professionally, but…

Well, life got in the way.

Scott’s watching me. He tries to hide it, to pretend he’s still asleep, but I know he’s seen me. I wonder what his parents sent him, and what he was like as a kid. I stuff the slippers back in my bag and try to sleep, but I feel his eyes on me again. This is it, I know it. This is our talk. I look up.

“What?” I see in his eyes…he’s picturing me dancing. I realize in that moment there’s nothing I’d rather do right now than dance with him. He whispers to me, and it takes me a long time to register that he really said it. He’s said them. Two words. And I know he meant it. Really meant it. All I had ever asked of him, and he’s giving it to me now. I’ve never loved him so much as much as I do right now.

“I’m sorry.”
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