depression
robin williams' death brings to mind my own suicide attempts [but i am too inept and/or other people stopped me] and the overwhelming insurmountable pain and hopelessness and prison of depression. it is really impossible to describe to non-depressed persons. nothing "helps" - think of something nice? watch a funny movie? be with friends and relatives who hug you and tell you how much they love you? make art or music or win an award or excel at work or school? meditation/exercise/religion/diet/hobbies/classes/jobs/charity/community-political-religious social justice work? ... nothing nothing nothing makes the despair and hopelessness and physical pain of existence go away. and with the despair is the sense of causing a huge burden on your loved ones, on everything - i have often felt like a pox upon the universe that needs to be eradicated so that everyone else can be relieved and happy. suicide can be because you love and care about people and don't want to hurt them any more.
what to do? - much more education and awareness about depression [and other "mental illnesses"], much more access to help [and more effective help - training/research for the helpers], more research on how to deal with or even "cure" it.
things that just make it worse and don't help one bit are shame [oh, other people are worse off than you, stop being lazy and selfish...] and brainwashing and lack of understanding [depression is not the same as the sadness you might feel if your team lost the game or if you lost your job or if your romance ended or if a loved one died or a hurricane destroyed your town or anything like that].
in my case and some other people i know, and i believe in general, depression is biochemical. nothing outside you can do anything, nothing you do to the rest of your body does anything, the only thing i have found that abates it or makes it "tolerable" are drugs that change brain chemistry. i have taken celexa, paxil, prozac etc, and lamictal, and have been on effective enough doses in the past couple years to stop me from actually following through on suicidal thoughts. not that it stops the thoughts. luckily for me i have a seasonal mood disorder and in winter i am happy happy happy, but spring brings overwhelming despair/suicidal feelings, summer brings a fog and emptiness and suicidal feelings, and fall begins to show a light at the end of the tunnel with a bit of suicide mixed in. but other people are not so lucky to have the relief of a season and they experience the despair and hoplessness _all year round_.
david foster wallace - defining the voice of depression? on salon.com
http://www.salon.com/2012/11/26/david_foster_wallace_martyr_of_melancholia/
a link to a pdf version of david foster wallace's story "the depressed person" - which sort of give a glimmer about what depression is like:
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CB8QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fharpers.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2FHarpersMagazine-1998-01-0059425.pdf&ei=M17qU6n0KoqtyAS2gYLoAw&usg=AFQjCNFXGd2lH-dWQLkzG3TF_jnhoSHtBg&sig2=Scd4q_8cd6M4r3uY8T8pKQ&bvm=bv.72676100%2Cd.aWw&cad=rja4
or if the above link doesn't work, here are commercially available versions of "the depressed person" maybe you can find a cheap copy.
http://www.goodreads.com/.../11334386-the-depressed-person
or if your public library has old copies of harpers, maybe you can find it: harper's magazine january 1988
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and here are some of my poems - start at the bottom of the page and scroll up. sort of shows the influence of a higher dose of lamictal as time goes on. i think. i guess.
http://wendymukluk.com/mukluk/writing/writing.html
what to do? - much more education and awareness about depression [and other "mental illnesses"], much more access to help [and more effective help - training/research for the helpers], more research on how to deal with or even "cure" it.
things that just make it worse and don't help one bit are shame [oh, other people are worse off than you, stop being lazy and selfish...] and brainwashing and lack of understanding [depression is not the same as the sadness you might feel if your team lost the game or if you lost your job or if your romance ended or if a loved one died or a hurricane destroyed your town or anything like that].
in my case and some other people i know, and i believe in general, depression is biochemical. nothing outside you can do anything, nothing you do to the rest of your body does anything, the only thing i have found that abates it or makes it "tolerable" are drugs that change brain chemistry. i have taken celexa, paxil, prozac etc, and lamictal, and have been on effective enough doses in the past couple years to stop me from actually following through on suicidal thoughts. not that it stops the thoughts. luckily for me i have a seasonal mood disorder and in winter i am happy happy happy, but spring brings overwhelming despair/suicidal feelings, summer brings a fog and emptiness and suicidal feelings, and fall begins to show a light at the end of the tunnel with a bit of suicide mixed in. but other people are not so lucky to have the relief of a season and they experience the despair and hoplessness _all year round_.
david foster wallace - defining the voice of depression? on salon.com
http://www.salon.com/2012/11/26/david_foster_wallace_martyr_of_melancholia/
a link to a pdf version of david foster wallace's story "the depressed person" - which sort of give a glimmer about what depression is like:
http://www.google.com/url?sa=t&rct=j&q&esrc=s&source=web&cd=1&ved=0CB8QFjAA&url=http%3A%2F%2Fharpers.org%2Fwp-content%2Fuploads%2FHarpersMagazine-1998-01-0059425.pdf&ei=M17qU6n0KoqtyAS2gYLoAw&usg=AFQjCNFXGd2lH-dWQLkzG3TF_jnhoSHtBg&sig2=Scd4q_8cd6M4r3uY8T8pKQ&bvm=bv.72676100%2Cd.aWw&cad=rja4
or if the above link doesn't work, here are commercially available versions of "the depressed person" maybe you can find a cheap copy.
http://www.goodreads.com/.../11334386-the-depressed-person
or if your public library has old copies of harpers, maybe you can find it: harper's magazine january 1988
---
and here are some of my poems - start at the bottom of the page and scroll up. sort of shows the influence of a higher dose of lamictal as time goes on. i think. i guess.
http://wendymukluk.com/mukluk/writing/writing.html