rape? anger. Opinions. fk this all.
today, i read a couple of articles about rape & attempted rape & rape culture.
so it got me thinking.
years ago i once found myself in a "situation"...
i was _very_ drunk & stoned, and blacking out, and some creepy guy i'd never seen before in my life & if i'd been sober i sure wouldn't have even looked at twice at him let alone talk to him or even let him near me, just swooped in, took me away from the nightclub i was at, when i was blacking out, and i ......ugh ugh ugh..... eventually woke up and found myself in a bed naked with this creep on top of me.
all these years i have had a hard time saying this was "rape".
was it "rape", when i was so fucked up i was falling down and blacking out?
i was wearing a "sexy" dress, and trashed and staggering at a nightclub packed with people, and couldn't find my friends.
all these years, and still even now, i feel embarrassed & responsible & guilty -
i screwed up and made it easy for this asshole.
i have heard many stories from other people about some creep holding a knife at their throat or a gun to their head, or locking them in a room, or punching them in the face...
but that didn't happen to me. it was me stumbling around and saying garbled stuff and blacking out while wearing a tight low-cut dress ...
i didn't say "no". i didn't say much of anything except "gaaaahhhh" or similar statements. i might have even said stuff about fucking. i was that trashed. but any kind of sex with this creep? no no no no no. but how to convey that when i'm falling on the floor.
but i still feel guilty, i still feel that i was wrong, i still feel, when people talk about rape, that i wasn't "raped", it was some stupid mistake of mine i should have somehow prevented (how??).
so... how fucked up is that?
am i wrong?
plus i'm um, not exactly a "girl", i some freak trans* person, but i looked like, back then, some babe. so i'm in a female body, so i'm "male", does any of that matter? so, if you are not a "girl" and some cis straight man forces himself on you sexually, do you have any right to complain?
when it happened, some friends laughed at me - what a funny escapade - you don't get enough sex anyway.
and my [a-hole] partner at the time, when i called and hadn't come back yet, told me "don't bother coming home".
i had somehow betrayed and destroyed our "relationship" by this terrible act on my part.
how do i get over this? it still bothers me, 30 years later.
so today i am especially angry, i'm not sure why, and typing this up.
so you aren't supposed to put anything "personal" on social media or the web in general
but i have no secrets, i don't care what people think of me now,
and i hope somehow my [stupid] story might make others feel empowered to tell their stories or do something, anything - activism, lawsuits, being supportive of others, write, make speeches, videos, _anything_.
any of us - no matter gender or identity, any of us who have suffered abuse or injustice (of any kind, not just sexual) - have to be free and empowered and stop feeling shame. ha, i still have a way to go on that.
and i think that whole "no means no" ad campaign is stupid and pointless - it should be "yes means yes". maybe even something more emphatic.
being passed out or saying gaaahhh isn't a clear "no" statement, but absolutely doesn't mean yes.
so it got me thinking.
years ago i once found myself in a "situation"...
i was _very_ drunk & stoned, and blacking out, and some creepy guy i'd never seen before in my life & if i'd been sober i sure wouldn't have even looked at twice at him let alone talk to him or even let him near me, just swooped in, took me away from the nightclub i was at, when i was blacking out, and i ......ugh ugh ugh..... eventually woke up and found myself in a bed naked with this creep on top of me.
all these years i have had a hard time saying this was "rape".
was it "rape", when i was so fucked up i was falling down and blacking out?
i was wearing a "sexy" dress, and trashed and staggering at a nightclub packed with people, and couldn't find my friends.
all these years, and still even now, i feel embarrassed & responsible & guilty -
i screwed up and made it easy for this asshole.
i have heard many stories from other people about some creep holding a knife at their throat or a gun to their head, or locking them in a room, or punching them in the face...
but that didn't happen to me. it was me stumbling around and saying garbled stuff and blacking out while wearing a tight low-cut dress ...
i didn't say "no". i didn't say much of anything except "gaaaahhhh" or similar statements. i might have even said stuff about fucking. i was that trashed. but any kind of sex with this creep? no no no no no. but how to convey that when i'm falling on the floor.
but i still feel guilty, i still feel that i was wrong, i still feel, when people talk about rape, that i wasn't "raped", it was some stupid mistake of mine i should have somehow prevented (how??).
so... how fucked up is that?
am i wrong?
plus i'm um, not exactly a "girl", i some freak trans* person, but i looked like, back then, some babe. so i'm in a female body, so i'm "male", does any of that matter? so, if you are not a "girl" and some cis straight man forces himself on you sexually, do you have any right to complain?
when it happened, some friends laughed at me - what a funny escapade - you don't get enough sex anyway.
and my [a-hole] partner at the time, when i called and hadn't come back yet, told me "don't bother coming home".
i had somehow betrayed and destroyed our "relationship" by this terrible act on my part.
how do i get over this? it still bothers me, 30 years later.
so today i am especially angry, i'm not sure why, and typing this up.
so you aren't supposed to put anything "personal" on social media or the web in general
but i have no secrets, i don't care what people think of me now,
and i hope somehow my [stupid] story might make others feel empowered to tell their stories or do something, anything - activism, lawsuits, being supportive of others, write, make speeches, videos, _anything_.
any of us - no matter gender or identity, any of us who have suffered abuse or injustice (of any kind, not just sexual) - have to be free and empowered and stop feeling shame. ha, i still have a way to go on that.
and i think that whole "no means no" ad campaign is stupid and pointless - it should be "yes means yes". maybe even something more emphatic.
being passed out or saying gaaahhh isn't a clear "no" statement, but absolutely doesn't mean yes.