*ugh*
i'm having a really hard time as of late. everything around me is dying, which usually doesn't bother me because the beauty of autumn is so stunning here. however, i have discovered that having two periods in a month and an in-between scraping out of my uterus does, in fact and of course, bother me in ways i can't even see.
i have been absolutely insane with anxiety. it creeps in late at night and shakes me awake, then i have to turn ON the television to shut OFF my brain. it seeps into my dreams, which are filled with large anaconda-like snakes, Shannon Hoon (always a good and bad sign when he shows up in my dreams), me driving off bridges, dying in snowbanks, and getting hit by large vehicles. more dreams of screaming into the darkness to find no one there. more walking in misty, damp places without sun or companion, more driving down roads that end abruptly in dark forests. waking up to another dreary autumn day without sunshine feels like waking up into death.
i keep trying to tell myself that my body is enraged at this continual loss of blood. it is acting out in ways that immobilize me with fear and irrational thought. last night i lay awake feeling fear down deep in my bones. fear that something bad is about to happen. not necessarily to me, but around. everywhere. to everyone. it's very strange. bad things are happening all over all the time, so that's nothing new--but it feels like whatever it is is stealing closer and closer to home, becoming bigger and bigger, like something is about to boil over. maybe it's just my brain. maybe it is boiling over with hormones that are confused and have nowhere to go. i am lacking focus and logic. i can't seem to ground myself. i'm in a bad space and ahve been for about two weeks.
and have i told anyone of this creeping-in? no, because it is too scary for me. until today. i told my supervisor, told her i needed more work, told her i needed more to do, because the more room my brain has to wander, the worse the anxiety is. so she gave me more work, but looked at me with concern. yeah, i'm a little nuts right now. so be it.
i may take a break from this internet stuff for awhile, because it seems to dramatically UP the anxiety when i have too much information in my head. so you may not see me around, or if you do, i won't respond because i am working or not wanting to drag other people into my nutcase drama at the moment. don't take it personally--it's just where i'm at right now. hopefully things will settle down and i'll stop drinking all this coffee which i end up doing because it acts like Ritalin for me, and i won't end up in a bin labled "loony" somewhere...
i have been absolutely insane with anxiety. it creeps in late at night and shakes me awake, then i have to turn ON the television to shut OFF my brain. it seeps into my dreams, which are filled with large anaconda-like snakes, Shannon Hoon (always a good and bad sign when he shows up in my dreams), me driving off bridges, dying in snowbanks, and getting hit by large vehicles. more dreams of screaming into the darkness to find no one there. more walking in misty, damp places without sun or companion, more driving down roads that end abruptly in dark forests. waking up to another dreary autumn day without sunshine feels like waking up into death.
i keep trying to tell myself that my body is enraged at this continual loss of blood. it is acting out in ways that immobilize me with fear and irrational thought. last night i lay awake feeling fear down deep in my bones. fear that something bad is about to happen. not necessarily to me, but around. everywhere. to everyone. it's very strange. bad things are happening all over all the time, so that's nothing new--but it feels like whatever it is is stealing closer and closer to home, becoming bigger and bigger, like something is about to boil over. maybe it's just my brain. maybe it is boiling over with hormones that are confused and have nowhere to go. i am lacking focus and logic. i can't seem to ground myself. i'm in a bad space and ahve been for about two weeks.
and have i told anyone of this creeping-in? no, because it is too scary for me. until today. i told my supervisor, told her i needed more work, told her i needed more to do, because the more room my brain has to wander, the worse the anxiety is. so she gave me more work, but looked at me with concern. yeah, i'm a little nuts right now. so be it.
i may take a break from this internet stuff for awhile, because it seems to dramatically UP the anxiety when i have too much information in my head. so you may not see me around, or if you do, i won't respond because i am working or not wanting to drag other people into my nutcase drama at the moment. don't take it personally--it's just where i'm at right now. hopefully things will settle down and i'll stop drinking all this coffee which i end up doing because it acts like Ritalin for me, and i won't end up in a bin labled "loony" somewhere...